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First time back since losing Dad.....


Angie Daughter of Bill

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Hello gang! This is my first time back on the site since I lost my Dad on March 16th. Thanks to TeeTaa for posting Dad's obituary for me. I just couldn't seem to make myself come here and type the words.

It has been two weeks today since I lost my Dad. I am dealing with this the best I know how. Like my usual "in control" self, I threw myself into a small remodeling project. The room where my Dad stayed brought much sadness to me, my hubby and our girls. We decided to make it into a "kid's den" area. It has many bright and happy colors...........orange, lime green, hot pink...........it's very 70's retro looking. (All of the colors and furnishings were chosen by my 8 year old and 13 year old girls.)

Now that the redecorating is done, I don't know what to do with myself. I spent so much time caring for my Dad, sitting with my Dad.........at times, for just a split second, I still find myself thinking that I will go and sit with Dad for a while. Then it hits me...........he's gone.

I do find comfort in some things such as my Dad being at home when he passed. Dad didn't want to get hospice. He didn't see the need for all of those "strangers" coming in and checking on him. In his words, "I think you are doing a fine job with things." Also Dad was not in pain when he passed. The last three days Dad began to sleep longer periods of time. The night he passed, I told him at about 11:30p.m. that I loved him and good night. He was barely able to talk, but he managed to say, "Goodnight, hon. You're a good girl. I love you." Those were the last words spoken to me by my Dad. At 3:00a.m., my sister in law,who is an RN and had been staying with us the last couple of days, came in and woke me up. She said that Dad's breathing had changed several times over the last hour. She didn't think it would be long. Of course me and my hubby went to be with Dad. Dad was unresponsive to us. About 2 or 3 minutes before Dad passed, he had this huge smile come over his face. I believe that Dad caught a glimpse of Heaven at that moment. He took just a few more shallow breaths and he was gone. :cry: My loss was Heaven's gain.

In the three or four days that followed it was like a whirl wind. Although Dad and I had gone back in December to pre-arrange his funeral, there were still many decisions to be made. The words for his funeral, the music, etc. One of the songs that I had played at Dad's funeral was "Wind Beneath My Wings". It was dedicated to my Dad from me. Dad was my hero and always will be.

It is just beginning to sink in that I won't see his kind and gentle face again on this earth. That is really hard to come to terms with. I have not allowed myself to cry since the funeral. I have tried to stay strong for my girls. As I am typing this, the tears are falling. I think I better close and go have a long overdue cry.

I thank each and every one of you who have supported my Dad and I during his illness and passing. I don't know how I would have made it without you guys. I am not leaving the site. Not now. It's just hard to come here right now. I might read, but not post too much for a while. Love to all!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my thoughts and prayers~~~

Angie

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Angie,

I've held you and your family in my thoughts and prayers these last couple of weeks. I'm so very sorry for your tremendous loss.

you said.

About 2 or 3 minutes before Dad passed, he had this huge smile come over his face. I believe that Dad caught a glimpse of Heaven at that moment. He took just a few more shallow breaths and he was gone. My loss was Heaven's gain

the same thing happened with my dad. After being unresponsive for a couple of days, he smiled too before he died. I think that was the best gift they could have gave us, aside from their love of course.

It's been 18 months for me, but reading your post made me feel like it just happened, and I am crying with you, for you.

Please know that I am here for you, that I understand, and that you have many friends here.

Love,

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Angie...I'm so glad you checked in with us. It's so hard to know how to fill the hours you used to spend with your dad, I'm sure. But I know in time, you will fill them and you'll have all the wonderful memories to help ease the pain of his loss.

I think changing his room on the advice of your girls was a great idea. It has brought new life to the room....and in time, maybe there will be a spot for a few special pictures of Dad in that room....eh?

Take the time you need to heal, honey....but know we're here if you need us...and that we send you strength and vibes of comfort.

Thinking of you.......

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Angie,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad five yrs. ago. From the

description of his passing was very similiar to my dad's, down to the

Wind Beneath My Wings. Cherish your memories. It must be such a comfort that his last words to you were so wonderful. It took me a long time to really cry because I was to busy being strong for everyone else.

Take care.

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Hi, Angie. It sounds like it went as well as it could for you and for him. That memory of that smile will sustain you. I know how you might be feeling - the first couple of weeks were on automatic for me. Then there was a lot of giving things away, rearranging, kind of making my own nest, maybe a security thing. I am dealing with two things mainly - the long days, thank goodness for your kids, they will fill a lot of that time. And for me - anxiety. I just have to deal with that. Another security thing, I guess.

Anyway, my heart to your heart, you did good. He is at peace. You will be though it might be a long time. They tell me just about everything is normal right in the feelings way.

Love, Margaret

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Welcome back, Angie. I've really missed your posts. I know the past couple of weeks have really been tough, but I'm so glad to hear that you got busy right away and fixed up the room for your sweet daughters. That was good therapy for all of you.

You will miss him, as I miss my dad, but I do get a lot of comfort knowing that he really is in a better place and that he is no longer suffering. I hope your dad and my dad meet in Heaven. I think they would really like each other a lot.

God bless you,

Peggy

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Angie,

My deepest, sincerest condolences for the tremendous loss of your very special dad.

It took me a year to come back here and post, March 17 is the one year anniversary of my father's passing. There was so much in your post that I couldve written myself. How wonderful that his last words to you were that he loves you. That big smile must be such comfort to you, knowing he was off to Heaven.

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Angie,

Just know that support will be here for you always. My father died suddenly 10 years ago. While the pain of his loss is no longer with me, I still long to see his smile that he had when I walked in the door. I carry it with me in my heart.

You wrote a beautiful post. To help me deal with the grief from my father's death, I kept a journal where I wrote letters to him about my feelings of loss. I cannot begin to tell you how much this helped. My son was three when my mother died. He saw me cry and grieve. I know that we want to protect our children. In the same way that you showed your girls how to care and love for someone ill, you can show them how to grieve. This will be gift that they will bring into their adulthood.

My prayers and thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Maureen

PS: The kid's den sounds great.

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Angie dear,

I have missed you. My Dad died when I was 7. I have always felt a little cheated that I had such a short time as 'Daddy's little girl'. You will feel this way too. No matter how old we are we will always be 'Daddy's little girl.'

It was so right to make that room into a place of fun and not a reminder of sadness. As a parent, we know that all we want for our children is for them to be healthy and happy and I know your Dad wants you to remember him smiling not crying. It will take time but it happens.

Love,

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Thank you for sharing your Dad's journey with us, Angie. By telling us of your Father's smile I found renewed comfort about my Mother's death. My Mom had that smile, too. And this in turn comforts me when facing my own demise.

Circles within circles...

I am grateful that you have come back to us.

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