Jump to content

deleting all posts


kimblanchard

Recommended Posts

Christina, yep, moms can make their children feel guilty. I remember my mom doing it and I have seen my wife do it with her children. I think it is a mom thing. Having said that, you do have the strength, and you can ask God for more strength, to be your own person and act as an independent adult. You don't need someone to run interference for you, although that has been nice. It is not unreasonable to ask your mother and others to treat you as the adult you are. Good luck. Blessings. Don

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Christina,

I am so sorry for your loss. Everything seemed to happen so fast. Take some time just for you. If you know that your mom is difficult to deal with, then distance yourself from her until you can regain your strength. You seem worried about falling under her "control" again. I know you are very strong because of the way you stood by your husband's side and watched what this horrible disease can do. Build on that strength to live your own life.

Regards,

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Christina,

Don is right some moms do that. You have to be stronger than her. I know you love her, but you cant let her control you. You are so vulnerable right now and I think it will be easy to fall into that again. try to be strong sweetie. Let us know how you doing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Chris

My husband has left me with 55 years of age and I have my dad breathing down my neck . They disliked each other a lot.

My father tries very much to get me going back to my home country and to sell our house . This is all a mess and really all I need is that kind of problem as well.

I miss my husband more than anything in the world and feel so vulnerable as well. Nobody seeing me this special way any more and making me escape my own self by seeing me another way.

I don't know if I can get that across ....in a way one was age less in sucha long relationship ..all beit only 20 short years...but the best of my life.

How are you doodeling at the moment ???

I am bathing in salt today and every day is different.Tina

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Christina,

Don is right - its a mother thing. My mother did it to me and she did it right up until the day she died. She did it knowingly and used it whenever she felt it would benefit her (which was often). She was also my best friend and I wish every single day that I could have her back, but I remember amid all the grief I was feeling when she died actually having a feeling of freedom to make my own decisions and be a "big girl". (which by-the-way led to MORE guilt). I never had the courage to stand up to her because I never wanted to hurt her feelings. The worst part is I do it to my own kids. I try really hard to catch myself and put a stop to it but I know I do it. (For instance my youngest son joined the Airforce after he learned of his father's illness and I laid some pretty heavy guilt on his doorstep about that) Sometimes if I am really out of line they will gently remind me that I am. The "Mom, I really don't deserve this" reminds me. Other times my husband will remind me. I personally don't get angry at them because I know it stinks when someone lays a lot of guilt on you.

Just an end note: Sometimes I think women are destined to live with guilt FOREVER!!!! My mother heaped guilt on me and when I do it to my kids, I then feel guilty for doing it! Go figure.

I hope you can work things out with your Mom.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Christina-

The only one who can make you FEEL guilty is YOURSELF! Your mother may attempt to influence you, but how you handle her interference/concern comes strictly from inside yourself.

This is a terribly difficult time for you to try to come to terms with outside pressures, but I am praying that you be granted strength and serenity to aid you through your grieving process. What would Chris have wanted for you? What do you want and NEED for yourself?

You have shown courage in the past; continue to stick up for yourself in a matter-of-fact manner. You deserve dignity and respect as you work through your loss and sadness...without feeling quilty and without projecting guilt onto others.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Christina,

I believe that people use guilt as a form of control. If you learns that you can't be controlled by her she should stop. Stand up to her and just say that's your opinion and I don't see it that way. The sooner you get this under control the sooner you can enrich your relationship with your mom. I say this from experience, I did this with my mom and after that I welcomed her presence back into my life rather then dreaded it.

The first thing that can to my mind when I read your post was not to have her come over at all. Meet her somewhere or go to her house, that way when you get irritated with her you can just leave yourself.

Chriatina, a mother is a wonderful gift to have in your life. In your sitsuation she just hasn't let you grow up in the way she should. Letting go of our children is very hard as I am comming to find out. Normally it happens a little at a time. Maybe your mom has had very little control in her own life therefore she tries to control yours. I pray that you might be able to work these thing out and have a great relationship together. You both need each other. Help her to understand what you need from her in the way of respect and ask her the same questions. Start treating her like an adult and hopefully she will do the same.

HUGS, Shelly

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guilt is definitely a control device. The more self-assured we are, the less effect it has from others. It is true that we can control how we react to the attenpt. When people try that on me, I just grin and say, "You're trying to make me feel guilty and it isn't going to work!" Don

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don that was of great help to me....its identifying what lies behind such aproaches. What one sometime cannot do ,when so close to a person like father or mother.

Its like beeing frozen in time ....and they always see oneself as not grown up ....I would love a third arm just growing out of the clouds shaking me awake when this happens....

Thanks again

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.