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I'm New....Husband's dad is stage 4


boxgirl73

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my husband received a call from his half sister this monday (aren't in contact with each other EVER) telling him that his dad has been in the hospital on and off for the past 2 weeks and has Stage 4 LC! It's spread to his back and now to the throat. He's in a VA hospital now after being forced by his brother to check himself in.....couldn't walk and had lost 40 lbs in 2 weeks! Today when we called the sister (we're out of the area but are going to see him tomorrow) after her visit with him, she said the cancer had spread to his throat. He's mostly coherent but will occasionally drift off onto a subject like finding his keys to his truck. I remember this is how my gparents got at their end of their bout with LC (both died within 3 months of each other last year with lung cancer). I know theirs went to their brain and am concerned it has gone to my father-in-law's as well. However, the VA Hosptial wants to transport him for treatment (he's refused treatment since he was first dx back in June of last year-he had this and never told anyone!) and with it being in stage 4 and already have spread to 2 other places, why would the hosptial ship him to Philadelphia for a treatment for his throat? doesn't this seem wrong? I don't want to see him be put thru chemo or any other type of treatment that will only make his suffering prolonged and moreso....if he really wants it that's fine but i don't think, from what i hear, that he's all there and he's never wanted to be in hosptials, etc...that's why he was forced to go back after not being able to walk over the weekend. why are the dr's doing this to him? i intend on asking them questions when i get there tomorrow to make sure his comfort level is main priority....any thoughts on his condition? soudns like he's got only a couple of months-to weeks to live. the dr. told the sister he's got 6 months but after dealing and seeing first hand what LC can do once it's spread, i know his time with us is shorter than 6 months.

any advice or input into his condition would be appreciated..or even experience with Veterans' Hospitals.

Update from yesterday's visit:

We just got back from seeing him yesterday. He was unrecognizable. In much pain. Had to go to the nurses station and request pain meds for him! Very hard seeing him in such pain and seeing my husband look at his father in this state. He doesn't seem to acknowledge that he's dying. Although the drs told us he knows what's going on..i don't think he does entirely. he kept saying he's going to have tests done and have surgery that should help him. However, that's not the case. when talking to the dr, we found out he had a mass in his lung found over this past summer..he refused a biopsy...then had back pains so went to dr for that and thought it would just be from his disc problems...no it was cancer.....the cancer apparently spread from his right lung to all over his spine, his hips, his legs (his one leg is almost paralyzed..can't walk), his collar bones, his lymph nodes, his throat. Said it isn't in his brain yet. dr's won't talk to us since he's still fairly lucid. living a couple of hours away, we can't be there every day to get a daily update...very frustrating. we suggested hospice but they will only move him there IF the father wants that. very sad to see this...husband isn't taking this well and harder on him since his relationship with his dad was less than favorable throughout his life. his dad, by the way, is only 59 and was a heavy smoker forEVER!

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Well hello there, girl.

Your FIL is definitely sick. You were asking about treatment and why now at this point when you FIL has refused it in the past. I think that sometimes the oncodocs do "palliative" treatment. Treatment to get his pain under control or better managed.

He sounds sooo sick. I am sorry for all of the lc in your family. Please try to hang in there and I just wanted to tell you that I am glad that you posted. This is a great place even just to vent. We have some of the best listeners.

Cindi o'h

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Sounds like pallative treatment to me. Just to get pain and stuff under control.

Your husband's father can sign papers allowing the docs to talk to your husband. he should ask your father to tell the doc he wants that.

This has got to be tough for you, having watched your own parents die from this awful disease. Keep being so supportive, I know you know how important it is.

Hang in there,

Karen

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I am sorry that your father-in-law is in such pain. It would be good if your husband could get his dad to sign papers authorizing him to be briefed on treatment and to make treatment decisions. I would hazard a guess that the treatment the hospital offers is palliative in intent, perhaps radiation treatment.

It may be best to get his dad in hospice now. Perhaps they can deal with the pain management better.

Don M

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So sorry to hear that your FIL is in such pain. I pray for him to go pain free and with his family by his side. That will help make his transition much easier.

Let him know you are there for him and it is okay (when you feel the time is right) for him to just let go.

Maryanne

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I agree 100% with telling him it's ok to just close his eyes and go...that's what my mom did while by both of her parents' sides last year. HOspice was wonderful. The update is that the cancer has spread to his liver and it sounds like it's in his brain...he couldn't talk on sunday and was very confused (could be his morphine though..so hard to tell). he wasn't in much pain this visit. my husband is going to meet with the social services at the VA hosp on Tuesday to sign a power of attorney and a living will if his dad will sign.....we found out he does NOT have a will....we have no idea where to begin once he passes. my husband just wants him to go quickly-there's no way he'll be with us for another 6 months..he's gone down hill so quickly over the past couple of days...looked even thinner. so sad...i'm so tired of seeing cancer!

So sorry to hear that your FIL is in such pain. I pray for him to go pain free and with his family by his side. That will help make his transition much easier.

Let him know you are there for him and it is okay (when you feel the time is right) for him to just let go.

Maryanne

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So Sorry to hear about your father in law.

Try to focus on the smaller items instead of the big picture. Everytime I look at the big picture I start to freak myself out. My father has stage IV LC (Liver, spine, Ribs) and its hard to see him in pain, however a relief when he has the good days.

Hang in There!!

My prayers are with you.

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