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Well-meaning friends


Candy

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I know I am not the only one who wants to spend every single second with my spouse since he has been diagnosed. I find lately that its becoming very difficult to explain myself to well-meaning friends. Everytime something is coming up (retirement parties, drinks after work, etc) I start to get uptight. The latest was the annual "goodbye" dinner for all of our co-workers who retired or decided to move on at the end of this school year. I used to attend all of these functions. This one consisted of a get-together after work at someone's house which then moved on to dinner at an area restaurant. They are parties that spouses aren't invited to. The problem with all of this stuff is simple. I do not want to go. Its not even a case of I wish I could go, but I should be home with Hugh. I don't want to miss one supper or one afternoon with Hugh, but also I am HAPPY and calmer when I am home with him. When I do go, all I can think about is being home and by the time I can gracefully get away I am nearly sick. So this time I when everyone asked me if I was going I simply said no. Holy Crow! You would have thought I committed a crime. The rest of the week people teased and pleaded and asked why not. I thought of all the excuses I could use and settled on the truth. Because I really want to be home with Hugh right now, its where I am most relaxed. Even that didn't work. I have been called everything from neurotic to a stick-in-the-mud. "You'll only be gone a few hours", "Hugh won't mind", "You need to get away" are only a few of the phrases I heard. So here is my question: Is it really so wrong of me to limit my social activities if that is what I really want to do? Is there a phrase anyone has found that actually makes people realize that you aren't lying when you say you really need and want to be home and that your not wishing you could get away from it all? These people are really nice people and I appreciate that they want me to join them and they mean well, but spending the week last week trying to justify staying home really got to me. The last thing I want to do is make my friends angry at me because I really need friends and we all know not all of them are comfortable with you when your dealing with this stuff. Heavy sigh... I guess I am just venting today.

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Candy, first, you don't owe them an explanation. "No" is a complete sentence. Second, there is nothing you can say that will penetrate their skulls, so don't waste your energy trying to find just the right response. Third, if you really don't want to go, that is sufficient reason for you, and you are the only one that needs to be satisfied with that. Fourth, I do hope you are taking breaks and doing some things you want to do, because us caregivers are not superhuman, and we need to take care of ourselves as well, if we are going to be there for our loved ones. Don

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HI CANDY,

YOUR POST HIT HOME. THE DAY MY HUSBAND WAS DIAG WITH LC I STOPPED MOST OF MY OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES. I WAS VERY HEAVY INTO QUILTING ACTIVITIES. i HAVE NOT MISSED ANY OF IT. IN FACT, A MEMBER IN ONE OF THE CLUBS I BELONGED TO PHONED ME ABOUT 6 MONTHS DOWN THE LINE AND WANTED TO TELL ME THAT SHE ADMIRED ME FOR WANTING TO SPEND MY TIME WITH MY HUSBAND INSTREAD OF MY QUILTING GROUPS. sHE KNEW HOW MUCH I LOVED QUILTING AND ALL THAT GOES WITH IT BUT SHE ALSO SAW THAT IT WAS ONLY SECOND TO MY HUSBAND.

dON'T FRET WHAT OTHERS SAY, WHO CARESSSSSSSS. SPEND ALL YOUR TIME WITH HUGH IF THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AS IT DOES ME TO SPEND MY TIME WITH MY BUDDY.

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Dear Candy,

I read your post and i felt i had to answer. Although having friends is the greatest thing in the world, if they are truly friends they will respect the fact that you feel you need to be with Hugh at this time. They will understand. If you really feel that you need to be with him, then that is what you should do. Please know i'm thinking of you both.

Joanie

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