How do I get my husband to accept hospice?

[MichelleZP]

Hi all,

I was just reading through the posts and they sure comfort me. I love the positive attitudes here. Way to go!!

My husband was released today. He is now resting comfortably. His oncologist is on vacation this week so another onc. from the cancer center saw my husband. The social worker called to tell me the doctor asked her to accompany him in to see my husband to discuss hospice. Well, my husband was in SHOCK I was told. The social worker called me back and told me my husband just will not accept the doctor's prognosis. (good for my husband for continuing to FIGHT for his life!!!!). So, the social worker said instead of hospice, there is a program called Bridge - it is just like hospice, but not hospice. Has anyone here ever heard of this program? I guess I will have an RN come daily to check on my husband and social workers/counselors are available for my husband and all of us. When the time for hospice comes, the transition is made w/the same people. It is confusing...

Well, my husband grabbed me and said he needed to talk to me. He said the oncologist was VERY MEAN to him. He said the onc. said, "Bob, there is nothing more we can do for you. You have to accept this. Why do you keep coming back to the hospital? You need to be in the care of hospice." WHY ON EARTH is that DOCTOR so COLD? I am calling tomorrow and reporting him!!!!!! We will tell his onc. when we see him on Monday what happened as Dr. W would NEVER be that COLD. Oh I am mad!!

Now, my husband told me he asked for clinical trials and the doctor said he is too weak and the cancer is too advanced? Is this true? I thought people who were advanced went to clinical trials when chemo stopped working? Am I wrong?

The Iressa did not work, but my husband is still on it. I don't know why, but perhaps it will extend his life.

My husband's CAT scan showed a spread to the right side. We had a hunch it would. He never did have pneumonia. The MRI showed the brain to be clear! The sunken eye, they concluded, is from radiation therapy damage. My husband lost his voice from radiation therapy, he is on a feeding tube from radiation damage, and now his poor eyeball is sunken in.

I was so upset today I could not even drive! My in-laws picked my husband up and brought him home for me. None of us are on the same page. My MIL thinks Bob will beat this and be cured, my FIL is not sure, my SIL sides w/her parents yet pretends to understand. I try to share what the doctor/nurses tell me and I think they think I am lying!! I don't know why they feel as such as I am no liar - never have been, never would be. The social worker wants US ALL to be at the Monday appointment w/my husband's onc. so his parents and his sister can be told straight up what is going on as they don't believe me. I wish this weren't so, but it is.

I am praying for time for my husband and for a good quality of life - no suffering. Please keep us all in your prayers - we sure need it! How do I get my husband to accept all of this? He too is on the mindset that he will be cured...and the doctor said there is nothing more they can do and the social worker said he is dying. The social worker said it would benefit my husband to accept this vs. fighting this so he can let go, when the time comes, peacefully.

Take care,

[kimblanchard]

Michelle, I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this very rough time. I am angry at your doctor too. He should never have spoken to your husband like that. When my husband was end stage his onc pulled me aside and told me there wasn't anything else they could do, my husband was just not responding to any of the chemo and things were happening so fast (Iressa wasn't available last year). But my husband wanted to continue to fight it all. I told my doctor I understood but Joe didn't not want to give up. His doctor (who was awesome) said he knew that about Joe and that's why they were going to continue with radiation for cancer pain in his sacrum. My onc never told my husband he was end stage, I never did either. My husband contracted pneumonia (sp) at the end of it and the cancer had spread to this other lung, the doctor ordered breathing treatments, antibiotics and a morphine pump. They were so pro active even though they knew and I knew. The moral of the story I guess is that my husband believed they weren't giving up on him, in his mind he was fighting it and it gave him control and peace of mind. When he passed away, he didn't even know he was dying and just slipped quietly into a coma without pain and without fear. It was more then I can ask for, that he died not being afraid of it. I am sorry my post is so long, I hope I didn't depress you in anyway. I wish with all my heart and pray very hard for you that you get past this rough patch and turn that corner towards healing. Don't let your husband give up, don't let his doctor give up. I pray hard and every day for a cure of this horrible, terrible disease. God Bless you, your husband and your family.

[Karma1976]

Michelle I have heard of Bridge(heard great things) they wanted my dad to follow with that cause you can still do treatment. the never did bridge cause they could not staff enough people which was dumb. so he was only given the choice of hospice after that.

as FAR as that doctor...shame shame on him!!! honestly it is one thing for a doctor to detach themselves from the patient...but to be inhumane??? NO WAY. I think my dad's oncologist was a little assholic myself and he told me after he told my dad no more treatment (by the way planned on going STRAIGHT for a second opinion hey if they said the same ok, but worth the effort) well after he told my Dad he said...I think he has accepted his death....I said oh really cause my dad might be guy not afraid of much BUT I HIGHLY doubt that jerk. like honestly!!! WTF you serious!! so so cold. I would say something. and I would ALSO reiterate if this was your family member??? would you not fight until you can not fight no more. that is what my dad did and I am very proud he did!!!

I would talk to doctor and if he says that is it no more treatment. i WOULD get a second opinion. some people critize you when you do saying oh just let them die in peace!! no such thing. no peace unless you know you did all you could. or if you are content and they are content with it. I laugh at the people who discourage others from fighting as long as they can