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One year


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My dad has passed away for almost 1 year. April 29th is the one year upset mark. I am so sad today as I don't ever expect this thing will happen on me, on us. I never expect I lost my dad at my 30. He was only 58 years old. He never had a chance to go to Austrialia & New Zealand, as I mentioned to him these are wonderful places. He never had a chance to go to a island that I wanna him to go while he was sick. He couldn't make it due to this darn disease. He never had a chance to see us being success, this is his dream to see our success. He never had a chance to meet his grandchildren.

When I look back that period, he cried twice in front of me...the last time was he teared on hospital bed while he heard my mom was crying. I helped him to wipe away the tears. These are very impressed me and I never forget those situations and moments. They just make me very upset...I can understand how he felt at that moment for the bad turnaround. He was so hopeless and for a person who doesn't want to die, how despair it was that we can imagine, how traumatic it was. We never tell him there was no return, but we believe he knew about this at the late days.

Even the day before he passed although he had a fever and he can't open eyes and speaked, he still needed our support and held my hand, I know he has been accepted the fact...I was glad I was there to hold his hand the day before his passing while he can still move his right hand. He knew I was there for him. I think this was what he needed and he was not alone. I blamed the nurse urged me leave at 10pm the day before his passing. She should have allowed me to stay longer with him.

I can't stop crying now...Dad, I love you very much indeed.

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I know how you feel, the anticipation of the anniversary date is harder than the actual anniversary..We were also told we couldnt stay through the night with my dad when he was in ICU..Another thing I feel guilty about, I should have fought them and stayed..So I know what you mean about not really wanting to leave them..

Wishing you strength and peace to see your way through this..XO

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(((Berisa))) -

The first anniversary is difficult, but like others said sometimes the dreading of it is worse than the actuality, and once through it, that's one more "first" out of the way. All of these "first" events without them hurt, but going through it somehow lessens the pain of the second time around. You have everything to be proud of and nothing to feel guilty about -- you did everything possible for your dad. Fact is we all search for something to feel guilty about, and can usually latch onto something, but really we did the best we could with the situation as it was at the time.

Later, we look back and fret -- in reality, your only option at the time was to raise a big fuss arguing to stay, which if done in his room might have really upset him, and possibly caused him to die panicky and worried for his daughter, and if done outside his room might have merely gotten you escorted from the hospital and less cooperation from the hospital staff the next day if he had lived. You could not have known how close to death he was, and his last conscious thoughts were surely warm ones of how caring you are, whether you were still holding his hand or not.

I agree with Katie, you were already a success in his eyes the minute you were born. But yes, we do especially miss them when we have an important event to celebrate. We will all eventually adjust to this life without them and go on, because to do otherwise would dishonor their memory. Their faith in us lives on.

Wishing you well, Berisa. You are one terrific daughter.

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My friend Berisa,

I am so sorry this is such a difficult time. I know how much you miss Dad, I feel your pain so clearly. Please know he is watching over you and he is so proud of his daughter and the way you have handled yourself through all of this. It is so difficult to believe they are really gone isn't it? Life just does not seem fair at times. Please know I will be thinking of you on the 29th and praying for your peace. Daddy is close by... this I know. Love, Sharon

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