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People just don't get it, do they?


Tim'sKathy

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I am so disappointed with supposedly "good friends" and family that disappear when something like this happens...I understand that some of them do not know what to say, or don't want to see first hand what they fear happening to themselves....but

for crying out loud...GROW UP ! When a friend needs you (or family), you should be there...suck it up and just do what it takes !

I just had one of my "best" friends compare what I am going through with Tim having Lung cancer and that constant fear of losing him, to her cat being missing for 3 days....her excuse for not being around the last 7 months ? HA !

Just needed to vent and tell you all how glad you all are here and understand !

Kathy

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Hi Kathy,

No, people do not get it. I just had one friend compare what I am going through with Bill to troubles with her husband and impending divorce. I guess the point is - everyone has their own set of problems and no one will ever really understand until it happens to them. In the meantime I think they try to share their problems when we share ours. My sister never does this though. She always says to me, "I cannot even imagine what you are going through." And it is the truth.

Blessings to you,

Peg

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Peg,

You have a smart and sincere sister...wish I was so lucky. I can't help but think that if I had brothers or sisters or children of my own, I might have a support system at this point, but that's not the way God dealt my cards. My mom was unable to have any more children after me and she had contemplated adoption, but decided against it because she did not want any hard feelings either way between adopted and biological...if she had only known I would have killed for a brother or sister...I didn't care HOW it happened....

Divorce to me is so different from this situation...at least you know the person is still alive and healthy...not faced with the possiblity of never seeing or hearing the voice of someone you love again....I would gladly divorce Tim right now if it meant he could have his health back....

How are you and the hubby doing ???? I am here if you need me !

Kathy

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Kathy - OH MY GOSH! You and I keep talking about how much we have in common and I have to tell you that a few months ago the guy who delivers our inter-department mail compaired Hugh's and my ordeal with his and his cat needing hip replacement. I have to tell you I was shocked and I had a very brief moment of pure rage. I managed to say nothing to him and when he left I turned to another woman who was in my office and I actually started to laugh. I think the laughter was, at first, an almost hysterical reaction to feeling so uptight but in the end we both ended up finding humor in his obvious ignorance and it actually became an office joke. I think Peg is right, people don't get it, can't get it unless it happens to them. Someone's cat missing, or a divorce all seems like the end of the world to someone going through it especially if they haven't had the misfortune to go through something worse. One thing I find amazing is after Hugh's diagnosis I do not sweat what I now consider the small stuff nearly as much. Things that before would have caused me sleepness nights I now realize don't even matter.

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Kathy, they haven't a clue! How could they, when they haven't walked in our shoes. They try to relate by bringing up situations that in their experience are tough, not realizing it isn't even in the ballpark of our situations. There are individuals, like Peg's sister, who are sensitive enough to know they have no clue. I have a guy working with me as a lay minister who said the same thing, "I can't imagine what you are going through". If he had not said that, he would be of no use to me in helping me through being a caregiver. We have to forgive these people and really hope they will never know what we know in the way we know it. Even cancer situations are different. My two bouts with prostate cancer can't even hold a candle to what my wife, Lucie, is going through with NSCLC. My experience did prepare me, though, to be a good caregiver to her and to have a background of knowledge to help her. Blessings. Don

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Well, I have to be on the other side of the fence. I coulndt ask for any more support from my friensds and family. They have been the best. I get calls every night from friends and family asking what the can do for me and that they are at the store could they pick somethin up for me. Even my sons baseball coach gave me the championship trophy and said they dedicated the season to me. It was the most otuching thing that was ever done for me. When I would go to the games I felt I had 10 wives telling me to get in the shade, put sun screen on, giving me water and asking me if theres any thing I need. I FEEL SO LUCKY!!!!

The only one that gives me a hard time is my older son who is 19. He doesnt want to hear that im not doing good or I feel sick. It hard for him to accept. I dont blame him.

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Ray - you are lucky to have so many good friends and relatives. It reminds me to focus on those friends who are awesome and let the others fade from my thoughts. Though I have been through some tough times with people who just don't get it, and unfortunately they seem to be greater in number than the ones that do, I DO have one friend that calls me every single night just to check in and see how everything is. She is worth 100 of the "don't-get-its". I have caller ID and I have one friend who's phone calls I just don't answer because every single time she calls she tells me that Hugh is going to die. I decided she wasn't worth talking to, I am a coward, I don't have the courage to tell her to buzz off, so I just don't answer the phone. My sister called the other night while I was cooking supper the other night and actually told me Hugh should be cooking supper since he isn't working. She said her husband does now that he is retired. I didn't even bother to remind her that Hugh isn't actually "retired". I just wanted to add that to the "don't get it" stories.

My goal for today is to be thankful for the good friends I have and not waste my time on the ones that don't get it. If I succeed even for today I've helped myself!

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Hello all,

I think that friends and family who just don't understand this all are almost as bad as dealing with the cancer sometimes. My mom's sister has called her one time since she was diagnosed ...and this is two years after they both lost their mom to SCLC...

When I asked her why she doesn't call..she said to me "laura..do you know how hard this is..only two years after my mom died of the same thing?" Is she serious? Do I know how hard this is? OF COURSE!!!! Its my mom...and it was my grandma who died!!! She acts like it wasn't my family too!!! I was at a loss for words....when I questioned her more about why she doesn't have twenty minutes a week for my mom (who is 45 years old)..she said that she's mad at her because my mom for some comment she made about my aunts wedding...

For some reason...I cant understand why a grown woman would choose not to speak to her own sister who has a very serious disease because of a comment that my mom made!! Does my aunt have any idea how sick my mom is? She can't possibly understand any of this.

People say some remarkably stupid things...but all we can do is take responsiblity for our own lives..and actions..and pray for those who can't

Ray..I'm glad to hear that you have such a great support system!! Thats wonderful

Candy and Kathy..hang in there...and stay here with us..We UNDERSTAND!!!!!

Laura

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I agree! Some people really don't get it! Luckily I've had a lot of support, but I've also discovered who I need to disassociate from. I had one of my friend's call after five weeks of my telling her about my mom (first time I had heard from her since telling her). (She was the first to tell everyone about my mom as if it were the latest gossip.) She left me one message that said, "I know you are having 'personal problems', but I haven't heard from you and feeling a little neglected" Personal problems? how minimizing! She's feeling neglected? I didn't call her back, then I heard from another friend that she was telling everyone she was mad at me and couldn't believe I would do this to her after living with her for 7 years, blah blah blah. She's clueless. It really doesn't come as a surprise. I think when you go through something like we are all going through, there's a finer sense of clarity. I always knew deep down she was selfish...but now I have some sense of clarity as to what is important in life and I REALLY see the things I didn't want to see before. I find this new clarity as a gift. Life is too short to spend time with negative people or people that wear you out. There's already family members that are difficult to deal with, but they are family and you can't do much about that, but friends? If someone really sucks as a friend then it's time to kick them to the curb!

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Boy can I relate to this topic!

One day my husband's sister was whining to me about what a terrible day she had had, lost a bid on a condo, yada yada. :roll: I just told her I'd trade her problems any day. Shut her right up. I mean really, after this, your idea of a problem is put in perspective.

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You're right. I have a friend who was complaining about her body and being 15 pounds over the weight she DESIRES (she looks fine!). I commented that at least she HAD all her body parts. She gave me a startled look, thought about it, and then said, "You're right". That settled it for a while, but now that summer is here, poundage complaints are resurfacing. I love her dearly and just accept the fact that, to her, this is something worth worrying about and that affects her self-concept. I don't have energy enough to "worry" about the "worrying" 8) .

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We are fortunate also in the tremedous support we are getting from family, friends, church, even people in places where we eat out. However, I was in a small group of men who met for breakfast once a week. One of the members and his wife are the "doom and gloom" type -- they mean well, but they don't help. I got out of that group (after privately explaining to the others why I was leaving) and got into another breakfast group that is soooo supportive and positive. So I agree that we need to surround ourselves while going through this ordeal with people who support and love us and can be positive. Don

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Further comment to add. I have a friend who called yesterday that I haven't heard from since Bill's diagnosis. Bill answered the phone and she proceded to complain to him about me not calling her. Bill said, "Well, Peg has alot on her plate right now." That didn't satisfy her and I we were leaving to go to the doctor's anyway so I just talked a couple of minutes. When I hung up the phone I realized why I never call her - SHE IS ALL DOOM AND GLOOM. When things are going well she can bring you down in a second. No one needs that.

Peg

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At least I am not alone feeling this way....and you are all right...this was a good way to weed out the friends that I do not need. My friend Michele has a problem with hospitals...gets physically sick if she has to visit someone, so back in January, when Tim was in for the pleurodecis, she didn't visit, but she called him..called me when I got home at night, and even came over and threw in a few loads of laundry for me...People like this, even if they can't handle certain situations are angels in my book.

Candy- this is getting too freaky !!!! Are you sure we are not twins? LOL !!!!

Kathy

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I've decided it is up to me to educate these types I run into. People I work with start whining, I look them in the eye and tell them "We woke up today, it's a good day". Shuts them up every time.

I've also learned through the years to let them know what's going on. Sometimes I can't believe I'm talking so calmly about the CAT scan, X ray, or doctor's visit.

This took me a long time (and yes, three cancers). With the last one, my husband told me if I was having treatment I would be doing much better emotionally, that I seemed to him to have done better with the 2nd cancer :roll: then the third. I look at him and said "fooled you too, didn't I?" I was a mess that time, but heaven forbid I let anyone know.

It's a learning experience for everyone.

gail

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I feel lucky to have the wonderful support of my family and friends. I've always been very close to my family, but lately it has been more so. They've made a point of being there for me, whenever, and not getting frustrated with me for how much I unload on them.

But, I also have had the opposite experiences as well. Many friends of Keith and I, no longer call at all. I just pity them for missing out on wonderful opportunities to spend time and memories with us.

I also have a friend, a man I have considered my best friend for the past 12 years, who is completely clueless. It really hurts me, that he, of all people, is incapable of seeing past himself after all this time, and everything we've shared. He rarely calls me anymore, I have to call him which I do maybe two or three times a week, when I really need to talk to someone. I try and tell him how stressed I am, how tired I am, how much I need some help or support, and he always comes back with comments like "tell me about it, my job is so stressful, you couldn't understand." or things like that. It is always about him, and how whatever I am going through, he has it worse. He's a security guard for a public school. He spends all day, walking the halls of a middle school with kids age 10-12; escorts them to detention and the principles office, mans a metal detector, but mostly sits at a desk watching the survellance cameras. Not to mention, he is currently off for the summer, so his summer job is to work security at a parking lot, collecting fees. He lives at home with his mom, pays no rent or bills, is not married, dating, no kids. He works, and then spends the afternoons fishing or taking pictures. And he has the "you know whats" to infer that he can not only relate to what I'm going through, but has it rougher. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

I'm just confused, as I know he cares and loves me, but he just doesn't know how to empathize or maybe he's trying to make me feel like I'm not alone in my suffering. I don't know what, but I do know it's sort of frustrating.

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Don't be too hard on friends that don't like to or can't visit hospitals. Sometimes it is deep rooted. My mother died in a hospital when I was 24 and after that I felt panic every time I had to go visit someone in the hospital. I did not begin to get over it until I was in my 50's and not really comfortable Unitl I had heart surgery six years ago. It is good that your friend can respond positively to you in other ways. Don

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Guest DaveG

Kathy:

The are two types of people, those who disappear and those who will be there no matter what. Cherish those who are there, as they are very few and far between. Don't worry abouut the one's who disappear, because they're not worth the worry. Church people are the best, because they are reminded in the weekly prayer cycle. When I was moved from the "Pray for the Well Being List", to the "Pray for Those in Need List", I got many hugs, and still get many hugs, on the Sunday I was first moved. People did not know that I had been restaged and was in dire straits, so to speak, so they hugged me to let me know they cared. Now they hug me because they see that prayer is working.

Cherish those people with the hugs. They are the best. Prayer goes a long way and goes both ways, out and in.

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Well, from reading all the posts on this subject it seems that this is a problem that effects all of us. I have this problem, too. I really don't have an answer. a few weeks back i wrote about my friend who doesn't have a clue and a few responses suggested i talk to her. well, i haven't done that. nor has she called. i don't know what to say. it'll be the same old conversation, weather, carpenter ants, her mother, her kid, etc. She has no clue, and frankly, i don't have the energy to clue her in. Maybe not even the desire. I'm so tired of this whole battle. Cancer is a physical, emotional, familial, financial battle. You get tired of fighting, but, i feel, if you keep fighting, at least fight with the small number of people who really care about you and forget about the rest. It's just too much to handle. The other day, my husband said to me, " i couldn't image life without you." Well, it sunk in, and now i know who matters and who doesn't matter. Maybe if we all step back and re-think, maybe we'll figure it out. :?:(

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