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To all our pets(long but cute)


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"A Letter to Your Cats and/or Dogs"

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain

your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my

food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle

of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it

becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that

aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is

not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the

object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall

faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.

I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue

sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they

sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to

each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having

tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space

is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the

bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and

manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to

claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get

your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.

I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -

canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other

dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following

'Rules' on our front door.


"Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and

Like to Complain About Our Pets"

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay

off the furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an

adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy and

walks on all fours. Although they don't speak

clearly, they communicate extremely well,

especially cats.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less,

don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,

usually come when called (this does not apply to cats),

never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using

friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having

to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and

don't need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they

get pregnant, you can sell the children!!!

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