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Just me venting today....hummmm....

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Well, it was such an eventful weekend. I knew that it was going to be a really fast pasted, fun filled weekend trying to not feel guilty that I was not able to visit or stay with mom and dad. Plans on Thursday night, Friday night, and plans on Saturday. We had a couples wedding shower on Saturday. Then, Paul - brother came into town on Saturday home from TX (of which my mother was supposed to call me to stay with dad if needed and of course she did not call!) I am not sure if I was more upset that she didn't call or worried that she wanted to call and didn't. Either way all was well. Plus today I finally caught up on some long over due sleep! That's right, slept 'til half the day was gone and even the dogs looked more rested. Give me a sofa, a TV with a timer, and send my husband golfing and it just has sleepy Sunday written all over it. What a beautiful day! Even my daughter was gone until like 3:30pm this afternoon which is about when I woke up. She didn't even bother to try waking me up but rather just let me keep on sleeping. What an angel she was!

I should feel great that my husband took me out on Friday and that I was able to get some "us" time in. And I should have been elated to go to a friends "couples" wedding shower because the weather was great and everyone was happy, healthy, and ate and drank way too much, not to mention that the bride and groom to-be are so in love and happy that it is contagious. But deep down I'm not feeling very social right now and I want to be able to go through this entire grieving process if that is what I am going through. I want to be near the phone or my mom or even my computer so that I can just research anything and everything that I can get my hands on. I want to coddle up with the dogs and stay in with them right now. That is pretty much it. And I don't want to have to feel that I need to explain my feelings to anyone. I hate what people ask how I am. And sometimes I even hate when they ask how my dad is. Everyone knows how he is. Plus, what can I say? Sometimes I just say oh, he is weak but doing well. Then there are the times that I say oh he has good days and bad days. And my all time favorite, the real answer, he is not doing well at all and then just go into the details of what is really going on. Most people that are asking do it out of concern. Some people are asking just to be polite and they really don't want to know because it scares them. They don't know what to say or how to react.

I think that I will have Todd play interference from here on out, I'll just let him answer everyone and then I won't have to worry about it. Or at least I won't have to worry about it when he is around. And he can continue to keep his family updated as they want to know what is going on as well.

It is 3am now and I just don't feel like sleeping. I don't want to go to bed and toss and turn again wondering if dad is awake or asleep. Mom is such a day person and dad is having such a hard time sleeping at night now I can tell it is wearing her out. Paul is in town until Tuesday and then we will see if she wants to have me come and stay with them for a while.

Oh, and Thursday night we went out to watch the playoff game and there was a woman there that kept bumping into my bar stool or elbowing me in the back. Well, we know quite a few people at this restaurant so I finally asked a couple people what was going on with her as she was clearly drinking way too much and could hardly hold a conversation by the time we arrived. Found out that she has been dx with cancer -- not sure what the stage or name of it. Her friend said that she has gone to numerous doctors and there is nothing more that can be done. She had just gotten back from Boston where she had surgery to remove a tumor in her stomach and now it is back again bigger than ever. I don't really know a lot of the details or anything but if anyone out there in 'cyberland' has a minute to say a quick prayer you can add her to the list. I'm hoping that she was just having a drunken moment and that she really hasn't just given up all hope which is how she was talking that night. Anyway, all prayers are always helpful in my book. Silly me, here she is with her friend saying that she is terminal and all I am thinking is how she shouldn't be drinking because I heard that increases the cancer cells. Funny the thoughts that go through a persons mind at times.

Well, that is my little venting session today. And I shouldn't be venting at all after the Pistons won today! If only SA won too then it may have been a better day! hahahaaa

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