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Mind if I Whine?

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This ain't the happiest place in the world today...

Mom is really discouraged. Really, really discouraged. I think her resolve to fight is waning. She is tired of feeling yucky all the time, tired of not getting any good news, and tired of having really uncomfortable symptoms that the doctor has no solutions or answers for.

Dad is on edge and has been short with Mom. This makes Mom feel even worse. Daddy I think is just exhausted, and scared, and angry, not at Mom, of course, but at this whole awful situation. He doesn't mean to direct the anger at her, but that's where it lands. I guess he needs another insurance company to get mad at. Maybe I could work on that. ;)

I am aching over all of the above, plus it's really hit me the last couple of days how very changed Mom really is. She looks like HER Mom did the last few years of her life and her Mom made it to 90. She's hunched over, can't get around very well, short of breath, in pain...

The Oncologist is pretty much up on all that is going on with her... he listens and takes her seriously and tries to help. Mom is resistant to anything that requires too much time out of the house... like time in the hospital, and if we ever get to a point where she needs to go to the ER, I fear it'll be a battle to convince her of that. If a second opinion was a wise idea she wouldn't get one because it's so hard on her to travel. She is at a point where it is so hard on her to leave the house, that she doesn't want to, but for the doc or anybody to really see what she is going through or help her with any of it, I think that's what would be necessary. On top of that, the doc doens't seem to be real sure about some of the things Mom is experiencing.

I think part of Mom's problem is that she is very depressed, but she doens't want to take the anti-depressants the doc gave her because she doesn't like the side-effects, and she doesn't want to really talk to anybody but daddy or I. I am honored to listen, but I can only listen as one who hurts with her, but hasn't been where she is.

I just feel so sad, and angry at what this has stolen. My ahead of myself projections are scary, not hopeful...

And I'm tired... The baby has been very needy, we've been really busy, I'm missing my husband very much, and things are just hard right now.

So anyway... I'm feeling pretty down, and so is the rest of this household (including Carolyn who had a pretty tough day today too--probably picking up on our downness, and the weather is changing, and we had a busy couple of days).

In lighter news--Mom got a walker today and seems to think it will really help her mobility. This is WONDERFUL news to me... maybe it will help her want to try to do more LIFE-y things.

Carolyn had a real GIGGLE for the first time yesterday, and she's been watching a "Daddy video" that my husband made her for the separation time we're in now... It didn't get to us for a couple weeks and I was afraid it had been too long, but when we play the tape she smiles and coos and tries to talk to her Daddy. Makes me smile and choke up every single time. :)

Sorry for the whine. Just aching and exhausted today.

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:( I do feel very bad for you. You have an awful lot on your shoulders. It is very hard to watch some one change from what the used to be. That is exactly what I see my husband going through right now. All we can do is give support and an boat load of love. Your baby is beautiful and just looking at her should make you smile. Keep you're head up--God does take care of us all. But this is an excellent place to vent. God Bless,Nancy C
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Oh my!!!! Go ahead and whine big time. What a time you have been having. Wish I could just do something to improve the situation - sorry I can't. You come here and whine, cry, yell, complalin, or whatever it is you need to do. Cannot imagine the stress you are under right now. How long are you staying? You have been there for a while, right? I just have NO suggestions to make things better. I just want you to know how terribly sorry I am your family is dealing with all of this.

My prayers are going out to ALL of you. May God find some way to help you all during this trying time.


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What a very brave gal you are! I am so proud of you and I know your Mom gets a great deal of strength from your support. I'm sure that your Dad is very afraid of what lies ahead for him. Dealing with an illness is a very emotional issue for a spouse. Please don't ever think that you are whining. I consider your post merely venting and letting a few frustrations come out! We're always here for you! You have no idea how much enjoyment I get from all your posts about Carolyn!!! Babies are such treasures and hearing all about them makes me realize how special many things in life are!!!

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I just wanted to add my prayers for you and your family. You are such an inspiring young woman, and handle this stress with so much grace. You know we are here for just that reason - to lean on when it seems like a lot to bear. God bless you dear, your lovely little girl, and your family.

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Dear Val,

It's not whining, it's just a true expression of all that you are trying to deal with. I remember well how it felt when my husband went to Vietnam for a year, and I didn't even have a baby or sick parents to deal with.

You just way too many stressors to deal with all at one time. Like Katie said, though, "You are stronger than you think." You can and will get through this, but you are probably going to have a lot of ups and downs.

Always remember that we are HERE FOR YOU!!!!

Write whenever you need a boost.

All my love,


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(((Hugs Val)))),

You have every reason to be feeling down. Sometimes, our emotions just fill us to the brim and we have to spill over somewhere. I can relate to that. Been having one of those days myself. You did the best thing you can, you came here. I would imagine that there's not one person on this board that can't relate to some of the depression and sadness you are feeling . What we do is what you are doing... we vent to people who love and understand us... then we look around at the positives.. mom's walker... carolyns giggle etc. and we try to put together a better tomorrow. It's not easy , but what other choice do we have but to make the best of this... I think I'm giving myself a pep talk here, as well :idea: . Val, know that my prayers go out to you and your family. I really care and I understand. God Bless you.

Love and prayers,


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Hi Val,

First of all, Carolyn is adorable. I love when you post and her picture is there. Such a cutie!!

You do not have to say your sorry for venting. You know that is one of the reasons why we are here. On top of that, you certainly have reason to be upset. This is your mom, and she is not doing well, and that is a major concern. You have a lot on your plate. Besides having your little one to take care of, you have to deal with your moms illness, along with some father issues also.

You know we are here and any time you want to vent, vent away. It is certainly better than keeping things locked up inside. Venting is good.

It is so nice that your husband made a video for Carolyn, and to see the way she reacts to it. Priceless!! Watching that video, you must miss him so much. But you will be together soon.

Prayers going out to your mom.


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For a taste of how it feels to be the patient, take your original thought of "oh no, I'm going to lose my mom" and multiply it by every person she knows. My thoughts raced with diagnosis of all the things I was going to miss - my son growing up, my husband, my parents, all my friends, etc. It's fear, plain and simple, and grief....and disbelief...and then, acceptance.

She does NOT have to accept a death sentence, but she really needs to accept that she is the patient and that she has a serious disease that she needs to fight. The sooner she can get to acceptance, the better. Her mental health is important, there's a lot of "I want to give up" involved in active chemo (according to some of my friends who have gone through it) but ya just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if that is the ONLY thing you can manage to do.

I'm not saying watching that battle is any easier, doesn't look too easy on my husband's side of the fence from here, either. I'm sure saying your mother's illness is a stress on your parents' marriage is an understatement. This is getting to the very core of those vows taken so long ago, "in sickness and in health" being one that pops into mind.

You are no different than anyone else, feeling depressed by what you are seeing is NOT a reason to feel you are any less than normal. It's not pretty to see someone dealing with something that changes them physically so much. Who, in their childhood fairy tales of life, pictures their mother bald? The mother of the fairy tale princess is supposed to age gracefully and have an abundance of snow white curls wisping over her ears and forehead and dancing on her shoulders... It's a horrible thing to see, I'm sure - proof that your parent is human and NOT the superhero you always viewed them to be.

I hope, Val, that your mother comes around to accepting what is and taking it right by the (as my dad would say) "short and curlies" and tossing it to the mat. If you can get in to see her doctor, talk about her mental/emotional battle as well, and see what can be done to help her there.

I wish you well, and your mother, too.

Take care,


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Val - Sorry things are rough for you guys right now. I am sure it means alot to your parents to have you and Carolyn there. Sometimes it is hard being the "strong one who never breaks down" remember to take time to yourself and to do what you need to do to keep yourself under control. Many prayers for you guys, Val!

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Hi Val

I think we ALL understand where you're at, so please don't feel alone with what you are going through. My second child was born about 2 months after Mum's diagnosis, so I can relate to the added stress of a newborn at such a difficult time in your life!

No advice to offer, just keep on keeping on, and be grateful for each and every day that your Mom is with you (I don't mean for that to sound flippant - I know it is much more difficult when she is not feeling well).

I hope you get some nice times together soon.

Hang in there,


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