Kel M Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 This is difficult post to write. Mom's been suffering from the pain associated with the progression of the disease. There are definite bone mets and her hip break was pathological in nature. The doctors decided to radiate her side and leg to bring her comfort. The upside of it was that if it were to work they would be able to lower the dose of pain meds that were making her sleep constantly and very confused when alert. [update] In the past week we've had many family members arrive for visits. Mom knows why they're here and we can see her struggling with that reality. No amount of my saying it doesn't have to mean anything brings her comfort at this point. Most difficult to cope with, is the confusion/memory problems Mom has been having. They've intensified of late and I can't be sure if it's the drugs, the disease, the pareneoplastic syndrome or a combination of the above that is doing it. Mom's also developed the most fragile look - she looks like a very small child with the biggest eyes and sometimes, the most vacant look. It's gut wrenching and heartbreaking. On the other hand, there's nothing like seeing her eyes brighten (maybe even twinkle) when I arrive and say "Hu-llo Sweatpea". And so we are at a crossroads between life and death. My beautiful, amazing, courageous, kind, generous, special Mom is making the transition that we will all have to make at some point with as much dignity as she can muster. I love her to bits and I don't want to be without her, but I now know what it feels like when you come to the point where the balance tips towards wanting peace for someone over yet another battle just to keep them with you. I love you Mom. Kel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean44 Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Kel, I am so sorry that you are at the point you are with your Mom. I was there with my Dad, can relate to your feelings, and know it is a hard road to travel. It is so hard to watch someone you love so much decline. I also did not want to lose my Dad but, in the end all I wished for him was peace and a painless journey to Heaven. Your Mom, you, and your family will be in my prayers at this difficult time. Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeR Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Kel, I want you to know my thoughts are with your family at this very difficult time in the journey. I know exactly how you feel as I went through this with my dad. It brought me to tears reading your post because it brought back those memories I always try to push aside and forget. I loved my dad with all my heart and it just crushed me to see what he went through emotionally and physically. In the end all I wanted was peace for my sweet dad. Your mom sounds like a wonderful kind person. I hope the radiation helps the pain and she is able to spend much quality time with family and friends. Take care Kel. DianeR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addie Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Oh Kel...your loving words just break my heart. I so hoped your mom would be back out there chasing that little white ball around 18 holes...and then maybe stopping by the 19th for a tiddly. I hope you'll always be able to remember her out on the course, having fun and seeking the elusive birdies! She is so blessed to have you, honey. The love and regard you have for your mom must fill her heart on a daily basis. Just keep letting her know how much you love her..and look for things to make her smile. This will provide you with more of the happy or "normal" moments to remember down the road...to help offset the confused or fragile looks you sometimes see now. The radiation continues to work for a while..so I will hope for continued reduction in her pain level, and therefore less confusion and more alertness. Again...you're a wonderful, loving daughter...and your mom has fought a long, brave fight. I'm not giving up on her just yet..and know you aren't either...but this is a hard time. Many, many supportive thoughts and wishes are with you as well as hope for continued improvement for your mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Kel, I cried reading your post too. I traveled the same path with my mother 20 years ago. She was too young -as was I. I remember her eyes. I remember them smiling at ME. Today those are wonderful memories and not sad ones particularly. You are such a wonderful daughter. If this could just be wished away. If so - I would wish the biggest wish ever for you. Instead I will wish and pray that you continue to have the strength needed to support and comfort you Mother at this time. So many special prayers to you, Kel. Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Dear Kel, I'm so very sorry to read this post. It just breaks my heart. It brought back a lot of memories of my mom from 6 years ago. She had lung cancer, 3/4 of one lung removed, and mouth cancer, as well as a gazillion other health problems. She also became fragile and thin and it was heartbreaking to see her that way. It sound like you have come to grips with this and are ready for her to have peace with no more pain. That shows that you are a very unselfish, loving daughter. Love and prayers, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terriep Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Kel - My prayers this a.m. are with you and your Mom. I think you are such a loving, caring daughter. God bless you both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Kel, Prayers being offered for you and your mom. I am so sorry to read your post, but so glad for the good memories you made in FL and since........Hold on to them and join us in hoping for better days. Love Pat and Brian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Hang in there, Kel. My prayers are with you all. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DebsSky Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Awww geez Kel: My heart goes out to you and your mother. I do know what you mean as when my mom first started treatment she ended up having seizures and a few ambulance rides later, they had us believing the worst and at that time I was hoping for peace for her, no matter how much I loved her. Keep the faith Kel, I will be praying hard for you two no matter what happens, Deborah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail p-m Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Kel I'm sorry you're at this crossroads with your mother. I know how difficult it is -- having done it with my mom 7 years ago. You love them so much and don't want to let go, yet you see their pain and suffering and wonder how much more they can take.... It's a tough place to be for both you and your mom. I send my prayers to both of you. (((Kel))) Gail p-m Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Kel, I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain. It is so difficult to deal with. Yet we do, we have too. You being there calling her sweetpea, is so precious to her. You are a wonderful daughter and she loves you so much too. Her transisiton will go so much easier because of you being there with her. I pray she will be at peace soon and she will be pain free. My heart goes out to you. I watch my dad go from an very independent person to someone who needed 24 hour care. It hurts so much. Just be with her as much as you can. That is what she needs most, family around her. Will pray for her. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBeth Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 I'm sorry Kel. I hope you can feel some comfort from the many prayers being sent out for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy RN Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 As so many before me have said. I recall those last days with my mom before she went onto Heaven. The last thing she said to me that actually made sense was when I left to go back to my house for a few hrs. was---I love you too. The next day her speech was very garbled. I still see her laying in the bed, in the family room and hear those words. At first it hurt but now I smile (still makes me cry) and think how lucky@!!!!! I was to have had her as my mom. God be with you at this time. Love Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Kel, I am not even going to try to add to these posts as Addie has so eloquently wrote of everything I would say to you. I'm praying for your mum to have a peaceful journey & courage for you & your family to get through this. Rachel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UncleDoug Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Kel: That was so beautifully written and expressed. Your appreciation and love for tour mom is so evident and heart felt, that I felt that I knew you two in seconds. I lost my dad last year. His passing was so sudden, just two weeks, that I didn't really have a chance to say goodbye. You and your family seem to be handling it with all the grace and love you can, and I am sure that your mother understands and appreciates it. All my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. I only hope that I can pass with as much dignity as your mother and surrounded with as much love. Uncle Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted May 19, 2005 Share Posted May 19, 2005 Kel, I'm so sorry for your pain and I know it all too well..I will keep you and your family in my prayers..Its such a devasting time right now for all of you.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted May 20, 2005 Share Posted May 20, 2005 Kel, I too know just what your going through, AND I know just what your mom is going through. I too have been on both sides of this fence. (((((((KEL & MOM))))))) I remember the far away look in my mom's eyes when we were going home from the hospital after she was dx.d with her lung cancer. She just looked out the car window with just a lost look. Your not alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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