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What I want


mjb

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The kids are gone - off to pursue their dreams. Now we’ll have some fun!

Collapse, an ambulance, a diagnosis. Small cell lung cancer - it runs in his family. No fair! We’re only in our early 50’s - we’re supposed to enjoy this phase of our life - travel, spend time together, get ready for the day we’ll be grandparents.

A new appreciation for every single day God blesses us. More happiness, more sadness than I’ve ever known. All the things I love about him - what if I lose him?

How do I survive?

Ups, downs, I never did like roller coasters. I still don’t. But I’m strong - everyone tells me so. I’m doing great, they just don’t know how I handle it.

At least that’s what they say when they run into me. Funny, I thought I had more friends. But if they were really friends, wouldn’t they call ever so often and see how I’m doing?

I’m not really that strong, you know. I’ve turned it over to God, but then I turn around and ask Him to give us a few more years. I smile and say all the right things and keep a positive attitude. Then I go off by myself and cry. Then I fix my face up so he won’t know.

Does God think I need more character? Trust me, I have enough, I don’t want any more.

What I do want is:

More research to improve lung cancer treatment.

For my husband to live to see his grandchildren and teach them how to play baseball,

how to hunt, how to tell if the construction of a house is good.

For my husband to be able to drive again.

A normal life that doesn’t revolve around doctor’s visits and MRI’s and Petscans.

To grow old together.

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When you go off by yourself to cry, please know that you can come here for some comfort. I hope we can all help each other get thru this until the day comes when NO ONE has to go thru this.

My prayers are with you.

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So sorry about your husband. I know how difficult this is for you and my heart goes out for you pain and uncertainty. It is so scary and not fair for this to happen when this is the time you want to just relax and enjoy life. But life has a way of throwing curves, and we have to take them as they come. You both can and will get through this. You have to stay strong and have faith.

My prayers go out to your husband.

Please know that we are here for you anytime you have a question or just need to vent.

Please take care of yourself too,

Maryanne

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MJB,

Your mind works just like mine.........lists.....organization......

I love the way you articulated your feelings. I understand, agree, and second your motions.

It feels awful and like you are alone in your crying out.

You are not alone.

That really doesn't help all day long, but during those scary times when you secretly cry.........I hope it does. and at night.......

I care, I understand, and I have you firmly in prayer.

Lots of love, understanding and support.

Pat

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WOW! Other than a few facts here and there, I could have written your post and signed "Peggy" to it. Boy, do I EVER get the drift of how you're feeling - more than you know!

God bless you, and I know that we will get through this, but I think we are all going to need each other.

Love,

Peggy

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MJB,

Thanks so much for your expressions of hope. We are in exactly the same situation. I'm 62, my wife Bobbie, 58. We have been struggling with this diagnosis since March, 2004. One year after surgery to remove the right lobe of my lung, we find that the cancer has metasticized to left lung and right lung. Don't know where it will go from here, but doc says I'm stage IV.

We have been married for 39 years, and the magic we felt the first day we met is still there. It's a bit more grown up, but nothing feels better to us than being together. We love each other deeply and felt we were many, many years away from having to say goodbye. I retired in 2002, and like you, planned to travel and enjoy our future years.

Hold on to him. It's obvious that you love him very much. That's a gift you both deserve. Love may not conquer all, but it's one heck of a lot better than whatever come in second!

Prayer and good thoughts...

Michael

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MJB~~

You've expressed what I think my hubby feels, but could never articulate in the same way. I'm the one with cancer...and I know he suffers the fact that, "this wasn't how we planned it to turn out!" He retired in '99 and we were/are building a house in Arizona where we planned to move. The house should be done in another week or two...and it's going on the market. We're staying in the snow belt so I can continue with my doctors here. Not exactly as we planned it.

He finally said to me that he doesn't know how/what he'll do if he loses me and that if it happens, then nothing really matters to him! :( That's a tough thought for ME to take to my grave, if it comes to that...you know? I want to know he'll be okay!! That he'll grieve, sure...but that eventually his life will go on and he'll be okay. It's nothing less that he'd want for me!

We've found ways to talk more about all of it...and it's helped. I'm actually doing well at the moment...so it's made it easier for us to find moments to laugh together (I'm big on laughter...he's the more serious one :roll: ). We're planning a golf trip for this fall...and looking forward to the future plans of our two (as yet unmarried) sons. I'm knitting grandbaby clothes just to have on hand...but NO pressure. :wink::D

But something it's easy to lose sight of is that NONE of us is gonna escape this life alive!! And awful as cancer is....those of us here have been given a warning...a wake-up call...to not waste a moment. The guy or gal that gets in a car, leaves home and mixes it up with an 18 wheeler on the highway...never gets the warning.

I keep looking for the positives...the upside to this disease...and they DO exist. I have my lesser moments...don't get me wrong...but I fight those like I fight the cancer...because to live in fear or depression or misery just doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me! :!:

Seize the moments with your hubby and appreciate the friends who stand by you. I've got a few who bailed too...or who seem to feel I'm contagious or something. Who needs 'em? They're the ones who might be left with some regrets when I DO go...but I won't have any regrets, because I didn't treat them this way when THEY were sick!!

I think you're chock FULL of great character. It's all there in this post. Keep smiling with your hubby as much as you can...and I wish you many more years of togetherness. What we end up getting may not be exactly according to plan...but Life is What you Make of it...right? We play the hand we're dealt and if we're lucky, we stay in the game a bit longer than we might have thought!

Sending all good wishes your way....

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Oh Boy!!!!!!!!!!

MJB and Addie pretty much covered MY life to this point. I am the one with cancer. I have most of these thoughts as does my DH. To see the words written down so eloquently has totally moved me. It came at especially an opportune time. I was awake ALL night last night. My mind got that "when is it coming back" thing going on and that was it. We want to see grandchildren graduate from high school. We want to be able to CELEBRATE retirement and have fun. I sometimes am riddled with guilt that beause of ME some of these things will not be as we planned. And I grieve.

So MJB and Addie, my hat's off to you! Thank you for being my spokesperson today. Maybe, because of the two fo you, I will sleep a bit better tonight.

(((Mjb))) and (((Addie)))

Kasey

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I have really been trying to read my mom in the past few weeks, especially since she also is one who will hold in her feelings and go off alone to cry, whiping the tears away before anyone sees. You have broken me to tears myself reading this post and I can't thank you enough. For the first time in a long time it feels like a welcome cry, especially on the day that I was determined to not cry!!!

In regards to the friends that you think are not coming over, please know that they don't mean too. I myself love my parents more than I can ever explain and there are even days that I myself have to really push myself to go visit. It is not that I don't want to offer support and comfort to them it is more that at times I feel my presence more than anything is a burden. Mom is still trying to be the perfect-gracious hostess and now dad has just gotten to the point that he will go lay down in the bedroom or fall asleep on the sofa. Up until recently (the last couple of weeks) he would also try to be a good host, as if that is what we care about right now right! Your friends may be feeling the same that they are burdening you when you already have enough on your plate. My opinion is invite them over, let them know how you feel. I would want you to tell me if I were your friend. Especially if you felt that I were abandoning you during your hardships.

I want you to know that your elegant words have touched me so much. I can't even tell you what they have meant for me. Makes me want to drive myself over to mom and give her a great big hug right here and now.

God bless you and your family, I will be keeping you in my prayers and thoughts...

Mary

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:( All of the above posts have made me cry. Mjb-I think you took the words right out of my head!!!

I looked at my husband tonite-and I thought why can't it be the way it used too? I am so grateful he walked our daughter down the isle last week--but now--I want more. I want him to drive again, walk without a cane, feel like going out to eat, not have to have visiting nurses; be able to keep his lawn perfect,etc. I want my Mike back! I feel robbed, let down and selfish. Why should he have to hurt and not be able to enjoy my company after work--instead he has to go to bed because he is so tired and fatigued.

I try to be positive but I feel him slipping and I have no control over it. I know as bad as I feel--he feels 100x worse. I just needed to vent. I do thank you-mjb and addie as I know how you feel. God bless you,Nancy C

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You have all lifted me up! I got something from every post here and it lightened my mood considerably. This was the only place I could have gone to express my thoughts and not have people think I'm losing it. I know other people really don't know what we're going through, but every one of you does. And I know there will be other days when I go off alone to cry but I will carry you with me and that will make it more bearable. I pray that God blesses each of you and helps you beat this monster. Love to all.

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