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I think i need help


osirus226

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Hi all.

One or two of you might remember me from a while back and my mom Deb who lost her fight with this relentless disease in Sept 2004. I think I am getting worse as time goes on. Not a minute goes by where I'm not thinking about my mom. I have the ugliest pictures in my head that wont go away. I try to cover them up but I know they are always there and they aren't going away or getting less vivid. I feel like I'm living a nightmare. Well, in my eyes, I am. I'm jealous of all my friends who have mothers and take them for granted and the hardest day so far was mothers day, I have no idea how I made it through that. I literally have a knot in my throat as I write this. I'm so angry at everything and I'm irritable at little things. I feel like I have a wound that closed up before it could heal and is just hurting more and more as time passes. When I think about everything thats in my head I feel like I'm going to be physically sick and I just want to crawl into a corner and bawl. I dont really know where I'm trying to go with this I just need to tell someone I guess.. I think I should get some kind of help but I dont want people to think I am rediculous now that 8 months have passed and I went all this time without any counselors, therapy or any drugs. I think that was a big mistake. Does anyone know if insurance normally covers counseling or anything of that sort? I dont know if I could call the hospice people they'd probably laugh at me because of all the time thats went by. I just dont feel like I'm getting any better at all and I feel like I'm outside of my own body.

Thanks for listening anyway.

Kelly

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Kelly,

I completely understand. My heart hurts just reading this.

For me, I kept myself so busy and exhausted, the grief came in huge waves many months later. I worked endlessly at a busy job, Rick and I were still getting LCSC off the ground and all the work this entails, taking care of my mom + my own family, and just two months after my dad died, we adopted a baby girl.

I made sure there was no time to grieve- because I was so afraid that once I let go...I'd never stop crying- I'd never find my way back.

I learned that you can't hide from it because it catches you. I had horrble months, grief like you can't believe, and now 19 months later I still have some horrible days.

My insurance does cover some counselling services, and there are free support groups out there too at local hospitals and cancer facilities. Also, I think calling the hospice folks would be a good start. They understand your loss and was witness to it and may have more information about where you might get some support.

Also, I don't know if it was Gail or Judy, but one of our pioneer members here used the phrase "Better living thru chemistry". Anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressants might help too.

I wish I had some magic words to make this better, but there just aren't any. We just try to get on with the business of living as best we can and hope that joy enters our life again one day, while keeping those we have lost close in our hearts.

Please know that I am here for you. You can PM, e-mail or call me anytime.

Many Hugs,

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Oh Kelly, I wish I could just give you a great big hug. I lost my mom 10 yrs ago to this crappy disease and I know exactly the feelings you are having. I would call the hospice, they usually have bereavement support groups and it can really help. What helped me the most was I started a journal and would write to my mom all the things I wished I could call her and say. I would tell her how mad I was she was gone and how scared I was. Please look into the book "motherless daughters". Hang in there girl and know you're not alone.

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Kelly, no one who has experienced a loss will laugh at you or think you're ridiculous. When you think about it, 8 months isn't very long to "get over" losing your mother. My mother has been gone for almost 12 years, and I still cried at my son's college graduation last week because I wanted her to be there. I look at my granddaughter and think how much Mom would have loved her. When you love someone, you carry a part of that person in your heart for the rest of your life.

You really need to talk to someone, either a professional or someone who's been through it. Don't judge your grief or put a timetable on it. Someday, on your schedule, you will find yourself thinking of your Mom and smiling rather than crying. You will still miss her, but it won't hurt so much.

Lately I've been watching happy, contented people and trying to figure out what's different in their lives. They have losses, unfulfilled needs, pain and all the other things normal to humans, but they seem to be happy anyway. I think the difference is gratefulness. They have found a way to be grateful for everything from the warmth of the sun on their faces to the love of a parent that stayed with them after the parent was gone.

So, I've been trying to change the way I view things. My mother and father are both gone now, so when I think of them, I remember things they brought into my life for which I am deeply grateful. I am so grateful to have had them as parents, to have known their love. I would gladly suffer the pain of losing them again as payment for the privilege of having them in my life. That has helped me feel more joy and less pain.

Talk to someone, Kelly. There are many, many compassionate people who can help you feel better. If posting here helps, post often. We know how you feel, and we hurt with you.

Kind thoughts,

Pam

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Kelly~

The hospice should have a support group. Why not go and talk with others that are grieving also? I enjoyed writing back and forth with your mom. She was a sweet woman. I was thinking about her just yesterday...I hope you find some way to talk this all out.

Rochelle

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Grief comes and goes. You won't look «ridiculous» because 8 months has passed. I think it's hard to estimate a «normal» grieving period by I have been told it could take 2 years. Don't hesitate to seek for help. In Montreal, the hospice offered a «Hope and Cope» service with a psychologist. Also, the funeral home did offer something similar.

Anaïs

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Kelly,

8 months is still very new..I dont think anyone would think you are crazy..Actually if your are crazy then I am completely out there..Its been 21 months since I lost my dad, I can honestly say an hour can't go by when I dont feel the loss..

Its devasting to lose someone who has been sooo important to you, your life will always be different without your dear mom just as mine is without my precious dad..You will never get over the loss, you will just learn how to live with your new normal

You still have to go through many of the "first" and those are really hard..I understand how hard Mothers day was for you, but you made it through and you will continue to make it through, however if you need something to help you along then dont be afraid to ask.. I know many people that take mild doses of anti depressant just to help take the edge off...There are many grief support groups too...My mom belongs to one that is held by the church and there are people that lost loved ones 5 plus years ago, so by no means is 8 months a long time after such a great loss....

Please let us know how everything is going..Praying for you to find peace and begin to heal..

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Hello, and first I want to tell you how sorry I am about the loss of your mother. I lost my sister, who was more like my mother, in February, 3 months ago. We were very close, and I sometimes still can't grasp the reality that she is no longer here. The day that I spoke to her husband and learned that hospice was there (only 3 days before she was to see her oncologist about further treatment!), my heart started beating erratically & kept on beating that way all day. I have a heart condition---but I just didn't care that day. I only mention this to illustrate how profound her loss was to me. I see that your mom & my sister became ill at about the same time. First of all, I don't think that anyone can put a time line on grief--I don't think it ever completely leaves you, and, as I was told, maybe some people who think you should have "moved on", have not yet in their lives experienced such a profound loss.

I think you have to be able to express how you feel, somewhere, for as long as you need to, maybe forever. For myself, the first month I talked to my husband, on and on, obsessively. I had total access to him because he was home recovering from a joint replacement surgery. Also, I started a journal. Coincidentally, when I wrote to this forum earlier, Ann, one of the people who replied to my post, suggested this, but I had already begun, as a way to hold onto my sanity. I have written pages and pages...for no one but myself to see. It has helped me cope. A journal might help you.

Some insurances will pay for professional counseling, but most of them are getting so cheap...but I don't think anyone from the hospice would think that your grief is unusual, and I bet they tell you about a bereavement group that you could join. Also, just keep posting on this board. It has helped me.

One more thing...if you are finding yourself so paralyzed by grief that you can't even move, you might want to try an anti-depressant. They don't change the situation, make you forget, or cheer you up...they just help you keep moving, keep putting one foot in front of the other, to get through the day. I hope this has helped....it's such an awful, awful pain.

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Kelly,sorry you are having a tough go of it right now.I think counseling is covered by a lot of ins. companies and may be of a big help.

I wish I could say something to help pick you up,but I don't know what to say to do that.The loss of someone as close to us as Deb was to you is a very difficult thing to overcome and often times does require the help of a counselor.

Praying that as time goes on you maintain strength and find comfort.

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Kelly, I doubt that anyone here is surprised that you are having all of these feelings. Like many have already said, eight months is not a long time at all. I lost Dennis on December 15, 2002 and there are many times that all of the wounds feel so fresh and I feel as if it just happened. I have always thought that the one thing that gets you through all this is having someone to talk to. Luckily, I had friends that were very good listeners. Like you, I often wonder if I need to talk to a professional. i have found that my insurance does cover some counseling. I think I may take advantage of that benefit and just make an appointment and take a huge box of tissue and let the feelings roll! You can always talk to us at anytime. The members on this board have a lot of experience dealing with pain and grief! Have you thought of starting a journal and writing your thoughts and feelings down? I did this as if I was talking directly to Dennis. It really did help! At first, I wrote an entry every single day. Now, I just write when I feel all the things I want to tell him really build up. When I go back now and read what I wrote just after his death, I can see what strides I have made in the healing process. Regardless of what you do to help you heal, please remember that we are here for you and are sending prayers for you!!!!

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oh kelly, your note just breaks my heart. i lost my dad almost 3 months ago but i already know that i'll still be missing him in 8 months. i don't want to repeat what all these good people said to you above but i can tell you that i too feel i'm getting worse with time, in some ways.

it's like in the beginning when he first passed i was on another planet, just hysterical, and that lasted for about a month more or less. The the second month I got very distracted with "real life" and was seemingly doing "okay" with my grief. But then somewhere around the beginning of the third month I started to get all weepy so so so so often. and well it's like that CONSTANT ACHE that won't go away and i honestly don't know what to do either. I am in counseling too.

With me my dad was depressed for the last 10 years of his life and had certain social problems stemming from a lifelong dependence of alchol so i'm also grieving his lost life before he died.

Every one's grief is different and everone's is complicated. YOu have enough pain with the loss of your mother, pleae don't beat yourself up about not doing the grief thing right or anything!! You know what I mean!?!??

xoxoxooxoxoxxooxox

Lori

Hi all.

One or two of you might remember me from a while back and my mom Deb who lost her fight with this relentless disease in Sept 2004. I think I am getting worse as time goes on. Not a minute goes by where I'm not thinking about my mom. I have the ugliest pictures in my head that wont go away. I try to cover them up but I know they are always there and they aren't going away or getting less vivid. I feel like I'm living a nightmare. Well, in my eyes, I am. I'm jealous of all my friends who have mothers and take them for granted and the hardest day so far was mothers day, I have no idea how I made it through that. I literally have a knot in my throat as I write this. I'm so angry at everything and I'm irritable at little things. I feel like I have a wound that closed up before it could heal and is just hurting more and more as time passes. When I think about everything thats in my head I feel like I'm going to be physically sick and I just want to crawl into a corner and bawl. I dont really know where I'm trying to go with this I just need to tell someone I guess.. I think I should get some kind of help but I dont want people to think I am rediculous now that 8 months have passed and I went all this time without any counselors, therapy or any drugs. I think that was a big mistake. Does anyone know if insurance normally covers counseling or anything of that sort? I dont know if I could call the hospice people they'd probably laugh at me because of all the time thats went by. I just dont feel like I'm getting any better at all and I feel like I'm outside of my own body.

Thanks for listening anyway.

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Kelly....I lost my Mom to LC a month before you did. We were so close and I miss her so, so much. I can really empathize with you there. There will always be a place in my heart for her and I will always miss her.

I did go through a hospice sponsored grief group and it made a WORLD of difference to me.....I still miss her, but I've been able to let go of the pain associated with it. I hope that makes sense...

It's never too early or too late to get some help if you need it....check with either your local hospice or ANY local hospice. The group we attended had NO requirements that you were a family member or someone on their service.

Wishing you peace and praying you find your way to a better place....

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Kelly,

I lost my Mother to Lung Cancer almost 14 years ago. You sound completely normal to me. But if you think you might need help then I urge you to seek it. There is nothing wrong with having someone to help guide you through the grief.

There are still some moments in time when the grief I feel over the loss of my Mother is as sharp as the day she died. I think it is normal. I expect it to happen on occasion, and I don't beat up on myself because of it. I don't expect others to understand. It is what it is. I do expect others do accept that this is part of MY grieving process. I won't ever get over the loss of my Mother. I have learned to live with it. In time you will, too.

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Hi Kelly,

As I am in the midst of feeling that I am losing my mind also I feel right at home speaking to you. I just lost dad May 23, but I feel like no one WANTS me to grieve. It is strange but everyone around me is just afraid of what I will do if I really let go, which is just now beginning to happen. Everything and anything will set it off. Crazy things that I haven't thought of in years, music, smells, even the look of my own arm set me into tears just the other day. All I could see was the bone in dads arm before the end. He was down to between 80 - 90 lbs. Just a bag of bones really.

Anyway, I wanted to mention that I see so many others are mentioning Hospice, they really are there for purposes like this. Not only that but if you contact the Funeral Home where your services were held, or any funeral home for that matter, they can also give you grief support groups. Counseling is a must. Doctors can give you medicine for depression and anxiety but that is really just a short term fix. Hospice and grief support groups are there for long term support.

In regard to losing your mom 8 months ago and still going through this, compare that to how long she was in your life? Please keep in mind that there is no right way or wrong way to deal with this, it is a terrible thing that no one should ever have to deal with.

I'm praying for you right now. I'm also praying that your mom is in heaven showing my dad around town and that they are having a great time. Maybe my dad is playing his saxophone for her, after all he couldn't play it for the past 6 months and that was tearing him apart in itself. My brother said it best when he said that our tears should be for us, we are the ones not in heaven, we can rest at ease with the knowledge that our loved ones are!!!

I wish you luck!

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Thank you to all of you who posted. Your being here makes me feel human and lets me know that I'm not the only one on this wretched path. I am sorry that it took me so long to post this. I am still trying to decide whether or not going to a group would help me. I would really like my sister to go with me but I am not sure that she is the kind of person who opens up to others, especially in a group format. Anyway, I just wanted to post a thank you to all of you.

Kelly

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I too lost my mom to cancer when she was 48 and I was 16. This was over 40 years ago and times were different, therapy was only for people with "real" mental illness and my dad bless his heart didn't know what to do with two teenage daughters.

The upshot of it all was that my dad did all the wrong things for all the right reasons, my sister and I knew tacitly not to cry and what a mistake that was.

Please get help, I didn't and paid for it later on when I had to learn to grieve for my mom in my 40's.

No one is going to sit in judgement or think that you are off the wall in your grief, I wish someone had taken me by the hand back then and gotten me the help I needed - so much about my life would have been easier.

Take care

Geri

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