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Could it be bad?

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I'm feeling really scared right now... I'm afraid things are getting bad. I'm afraid that maybe they've been bad. And I'm mostly afraid that despite of all my hopes and prayers they're not going to get better.

Mom is in pain. The radiation had eased the pain off some... Now the pain, especially in her shoulder is back with a vengeance.

She is really short of breath. Talking on the phone or trying to give herself a sponge bath to clean up just completely finishes her.

And all of the bad feelingness makes it hard for her to keep her spirits up. I say that a lot, but I DON'T think her problem is depression related...

She really has only had one or two marginally good days in the last 4 months or so.

It all just seems like it's all in decline... And as much as I want to be able to fight I am wondering if even the doctor will be near saying the, "There's not much more we can do" stuff soon.

Could she still come back and rebound a bit from this, or do I need to be getting myself ready for the even tougher stuff?

We leave again on Monday for Washington to pack up our apartment and put it into storage and so that Carolyn can spend some time with her Daddy, but I am truly just so scared to do that. I am afraid of wasting precious time... but Carolyn and Andy need each other. We (baby and I) will be back here again in two weeks to stay.

Maybe I am just venting again, but I am really scared right now.

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Oh Val, honey, I wish I had an answer for you, but its in G-d's hands. Even though your mom is failing, you are a blessing to spend time with her. Show her your love... that is the best medicine, not matter which way her fate turns out.

I really feel for you Val, you are so confused, scared and your feelings are so bottled inside, you Don't want to let it show. You should go out to your car, get inside, lock the doors and just scream so loud. Get it all out of you.

Val, you will get through this because when this is over... you will go back to your husband and you can all be a family again. That is what you mom would want. I am a mom, your mom so you know, she would want that for you. For you to carry on, and have a healthy, happy life. Your mom will always hold a most special place in your heart and when Caroline can understand her grandmom will hold a special place, also in her young heart.

Then their are miracles... Its in G-ds hands, we all know that.

Thinking of you and sending prayers for your mom to become pain free. Sending love and strength to you. You WILL get through this, young lady!!

I wish I could do something to lighten your load.


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Scared is perfectly okay. Believe me, we all get scared and anyone who tells you they don't is simply lying.

You are in two very unique situations. You are a daughter who feels the tug of helplessness in her mother's health. You are also a serviceman's wife with the underlying unspoken of every goodbye maybe being your last and a mother who needs to be sure that her own child wrings every drop of love out of her goodbyes with her daddy. Never feel guilty for choosing the more immediate over the urgent-but-can-wait-a-bit things. Your mother will hang on for as long as she can, your husband will be shipping out and you NEED to spend time with him, as well.

Think with your heart, Val. Your mother wants what is best for you, and knowing the innuendo of a serviceman's goodbye, she wants you to be sure you are taking care of your "new" family, too.

She very well COULD rebound, don't give up hope of her getting better.

...and ya know, pain and fear can depress a person yet not be "depression". It is possible to be extremely sad and not be depressed. You can still talk to her about anti-anxiety medication - it helps ya breathe when the monsters start lurking.

Take care, Val. I do not envy your spot between a rock and a hard place. Trust your heart.


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Hi Val.

Pack up the baby and go see Daddy.

Your Mom can get through this leg of her illness too, although it is tough. Sorry you are all so far apart. I know from first-hand experience what a helpless feeling that is.

Take care, see you in a couple of weeks.

cindi o'h

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