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My Sister Da's birthday was this week

dani hobbs

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It was my sister's birthday this week, just shy of 4 months since she died. Coincidentally, her husband had sent to me, just a week prior to that, a box--unexpected, just left on my doorstep, with no preparation from him. In it were some pieces of her jewelry, and the chronicles of my nuclear family's life. Most of these things I had never seen--my sister was quite a bit older than me, the wanted one, I was the unexpected one. So, these things weren't shared with me until, I guess, no one else wanted them. There are very old photographs of her with our parents---my parents were smiling and happy, something I never saw. There are documents, valuable to no one now but me. There are old letters, telling exactly how my parents felt about me. My parents really wanted my sister to be my mother, and she did take care of me in the early years, but, probably to save herself, resisted from that point on, although I know she loved me. I almost wish I had not seen these things, and am torn between looking at them, putting them away, and burning them. My sister's daughter had told me at the time of her funeral that my sister had requested that she be buried close to our parents...that surprised me at the time, but now I know that it must be so, that they really loved her and that her relationship with them was so much different than the one I had. I seem to be stuck here now--in the past--with no one to share this with. My husband returned to work after his surgery and tells me I am stuck, obsessed, my daughter is moving out permanently in a couple of weeks to be closer to college. They are busy with their lives and avoid me as much as possible. I have lost my job and my good friend has a new job that keeps her very much occupied. I have never felt grief like this--my sister was the one person who accepted me for what I am, and here I am, unable to move, looking at these old pictures and papers, that even my husband and daughter are not interested in seeing. So, although this posting is probably completely inappropriate, it kept me sane for just a moment---something that a phone call to my sister used to do---I could hear her voice, appreciate her wry humor, know that she knew exactly what I was talking about, not be impatient with me, and somehow I could get through the day. Now, I can't get through an hour, or even a minute. I really wonder what the point of all this is....my sister loved her cigarettes, that's what killed her, but they gave her a lot of pleasure, so why not???? She always grabbed life with great gusto. I, on the other hand, can't even imagine what the point is in continuing. She would be angry at me for going in this direction, but she's not here, now, is she?

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How painful for you!!

Brian and I love you for who we see you to be:







We love you!

Try to remember that you won't always feel like you do right now.

It will change

It always does.

I promise.



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(((Dani))) We can only BE what we are at any given moment, that is all. I admire your raw honesty and your love and devotion to your sister.

When we lose the one person in the world that we felt like REALLY loved us unconditionaly or REALLY knew us, it's like being adrift in the ocean with no oars or shore in sight - but the shore really is there, and this time of pain and relection and heartache will lessen, I promise. One day you'll find that shore all on your own and know that the love that Da gave you all of those years is still there inside you, sustaining you, and giving you the strength to get yourself back to that shore.

Don't be hard on yourself - you're just doing the best you can do and that IS enough for this moment.


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Oh Dani, my heart just goes out to you. I can certainly feel the pain you are in from the words of your post. I know how lost you must feel without your sister. I also know that having your children move out is a very tough thing. I almost didn't survive that. I was very close to my boys and when they left for college, I felt as if a part of me had gone away. Everyone needs to know that they were loved. I was adopted as an infant by a wonderful couple that loved me very much. I found my birth parents when I was 21 and have never been able to feel any love from my mother. My sisters and brother are very loved. It's a really tough thing to cope with. Just remember how much your sister loved you and that will make up for anything else! Please remember that you can talk to us anytime! We're all here to help each other!

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I am so sorry that you have nobody to talk to to share your thoughts with. I truly know how that feels. I really like your honesty about your feelings. People here really understand what you are going through and we are all here side by side, getting through this together. My thoughts are with you.


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