Fall54 Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Hello Dear Friends, Today (well yesterday now,11th) marks the 1 year anniversary of my Brother's passing. I cant say it has gone fast as it has been the most challenging year of my life. Way too much depression. He passed away at 10pm and just after 10PM my other Brother's wife called to sing me "Amazing Grace". It was the song that played on a clock I had given Alan when he got sick and it played on the hour, it played just as he passed that night. It was sung at his funeral and very wonderful of my Sister in law to call me from NC to sing it to me and talk with me to see how I was doing. I know that some of you know this but I also know that many do not so I want to tell you what I do for work. I provide a home and training for 3 mentally handicapped men. I have done this for 15 years. On the 9th of June I lost the man that has lived with my family 15 years and the one I have had the longest. 2 weeks ago he was dx with colon cancer and he was at high risk for the operation to remove it but only had a couple weeks when they found it that his bowels would have been completly closed off and the DR told us it was an extremely painful way to pass away. His Brother opted for the operation and so did I. His name was Harold. I loved him very much. He had major complications and without me going into it all,passed away on the 9th. I got flowers today from his family (siblings) and the card read "Thank you for loving and caring for our Brother". and it was signed all of their names. I cried of course. I talked with a friend the other day whom I had not spoken with in a long time as I have been in a shell sort of made up of depression since my Brother's dx. She had lost her 2nd Brother this year to cancer and she told me that her Brother had told her to "Live for him" That really struck a chord with me and I have decided to "Live for my Brother, rather than die from depression for him". There was such a bond between my Brother and I that he would have hated to ever see me sad, and that is all I had been. Today was a double duo with the anniversary and losing Harold 2 days ago but I have got to make up my mind that I am sombody that a lot of people love and it is time I learned to love myself again. My Mother is here and she and I went down and bought my Brother's favorite tree to have planted in his memory in my yard, I also picked out a white birch which is my favorite to plant for Harold as he was non verbal and I did not know his favorite tree. I was going to write Alan's story in my story tonight but the phone call kept me busy for an hour and 1/2 and I am just not up to writing it now. I will make sure to do that in the coming weeks. I want to thank everyone here who has helped me through this loss and I want you to know that I not only pray for the ones I know here but also for the ones that have joined that I dont know but are having to persue this journey. You could not have found a better caring "Family" than The Lung Cancer Support Community. God Bless you all, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nushka Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Jane, I am so pleased that you have decided to live for your brother. I would want that for my family and I am sure that Alan would want that for you. I am so sorry that all of this sorrow has been put on you. You are a very caring and loving person. I think highly of you and wish you nothing but the best. Take care my friend. You are loved and needed, so live for yourself and for all of the people that depend on you. Let us hear from you often. Nina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Thank you for your inspiring post. Love Pat and Brian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Jane, I'm glad you have had the epiphany with life and your brother. I'm sorry you have lost one of your "big kids". How very sad, but very fortunate that he did not have to deal with a lot of pain and some icky treatment that would be extremely hard to explain to him. I hope you are taking steps to take care of yourself, as well. Hang in there, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted June 12, 2005 Share Posted June 12, 2005 Hi Jane, Good to hear that you are feeling better. Grief is a process, no doubt. We all do it differently. You are sounding like you are coming to an easier place. I love the idea of a birch tree. They are one of my favorites. I heard that they do better when three are planted all together. I don't know why that is. Have you heard that too? I think it might be an American Indian thing. But, you know, those old American Indians have a lot of wisdom. Do take care, Jane. Cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Jane. I am so sorry for your loss so close to the first anniversary of losing your brother. I know how hard it is to lose someone you've worked with and cared for. I also work with developmentally disabled individuals. Years ago I managed a very challenging group home. One of my favorites was Tom. He was one of the last individuals placed out of an institution the State of Michigan was closing. He was extremely self abusive..so much so he blinded himself beating his head. While our relationship started out rocky (he broke both my thumbs) we became great buddies. Turned out he was allergic to milk and taking it out of his diet made a world of difference. I became his guardian when I left that job so I could alway be involved with him. When he died I brought his ashes home. So what I am trying to say is, I know how this hurts and I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debi Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Jane, I am sorry for your recent loss. In spite of this, I have to admit that I am glad to see you posting, even though I'm sorry for the reason. I am also glad to see that you have made a decision to start living more this coming year. I doubt that anyone dies wanting their survivor's lives to be miserable; in fact, that is probably my main fear of dying, of making my children and family suffer. If I could make it that they wouldn't grief more than a day, I would and would die happy knowing that the people that loved me would be okay. I'm sure that your brother felt no different. Climbing out of your grief won't be easy, and will take alot of effort, but you can do it Jane, not only for yourself but for your family and Alan's memory. It sounds like you have already started. Keep going forward, and when all else fails, just get angry, don't let this damn disease take any more lives than it already has.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Hi Jane, I love the idea of a tree. And as that tree grows, it will stand tall and strong, just like your beloved brother. Also, your friend who you looked after will always appreciate that you are doing this for him in his memory. You are an exceptional human being. You give of yourself to help others. That is a gift. Not everyone can do that. I am so glad that you opted now to celebrate life, as we know how precious it is. I believe that a soul has things to accomplish up there just like here. If we grieve too long, this can stop the soul from moving on. You have to let him go. You are doing the right thing. This should give him so much relief as he worries about you grieving so much. He does not want to see you so hurt, as you would not want this of him if it was the other way around. Please take care. He knows how much you love him, but it is time for both of you to move on. One day you will reunite and it will be a blessed moment. Peace be with you both. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dadstimeon Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Jane, Sorry for your recent loss. Rich Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 I understand the "1 year mark" we just passed it on 6/8 for dad. Moms 2 year mark is coming up on 8/15. Its really unbelieveable to see the calendar turn to 1 physical year since we have seen them or heard their voice or hugged them. I put one foot in front of the other and am still just walking along. I haven't learned to live "happy" again yet. hopefully we all will someday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted June 14, 2005 Author Share Posted June 14, 2005 I want to thank you all that have read or left me a post. I cant tell you how much each has helped in many different ways. Debi, you really gave me a very new perspective. So many people have said to me "you're Brother would'nt want you sad" and I knew that but continued to be sad. You said it in such a way that I was able to put those shoes on myself and you are so right. That is exactly what I worry about when I think of death, is how my family will hurt and be sad and God I don't want that for them. My Brother would be crushed if he was here and saw the state I have been in since he was dx. It all becomes clear... Maybe this is why he found this so hard to talk with me about as he knew making me sad would make him even sadder about leaving the people behind that he loved so dearly. He once pointed his finger at me and said "You and Mom are the ones I am most worried about". Now I know he was and how hard that must have been for him. Ahhhhhhh the clearer it all becomes. I could not see the darkness for the trees. Ry, Yes, Harold's passing has hurt me but I know I was his gardian angel and now he is mine. All good things come back to you ten fold. Nina you were always my late night buddy and always someone that showed me how much you cared, I thank you for that. Becky, thank you for all the words of wisdom you have given me here on the board and in PM's you have no idea how much they have helped this ole girl look at things and reminded me that I needed to take care of me. I am trying real hard to do just that. Rich, thank you again for sending me all those lung cancer ribbons for me to give my xtra big family to wear to show our support. Ry, for the book my Mom and I read cover to cover. Maryanne, Shelly, Cindy thank you all for you're continued support. I could just go on and on but what I really wanted to say with all my heart was Thank you!!!!!! God Bless You All and keep you in his care, Jane xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted June 18, 2005 Share Posted June 18, 2005 All good things come back to you ten fold. Yes, my dear sweet, Jane, and they will come back to you, too. You are a giving, loving wonderful woman and I'm sure you will some day hear those words we all want to hear: "Well done, my good and faithful servant." You deserve it! Love and hugs, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenl Posted June 18, 2005 Share Posted June 18, 2005 Hi Jane Just wanted to say Hi, and I am glad that you seem to be feeling a little more settled these days. You have been missed around here! Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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