bunny Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 I've been reading all the new posts since I last signed on a couple days ago. I began to respond one by one, but realized I wanted to say the same thing to each new poster, so here goes: I found my hope. I knew I had god, I suspected I was 'tough enough' to handle this and see my mom through but I could not get past the terror, the sadness, the anger over the return of my mom's cancer. I was mad at EVERYONE. I signed on here around June 10th. slowly, you guys got me to start seeing something other than death in my mother's diagnosis. but still, I could not get my heart around HOPE. I was too afraid to invest, as I did last time, in the idea that she would get better. so here's what happened today - I went to TWO catholic christenings (I am the child of a mixed jewish/protestant marriage and I live with a catholic born and raised on the west coast of ireland). I was in church all day long with beautiful babies and their amazing parents. one of the churches was a block and a half from ground zero. it was all incredibly moving. at first, I felt sad because I am not a mother yet and my mom is not a grandmother. but then, something shifted. the baptismal prayers changed me today. I realized that my prayers have been too limited - "please god make mom ok" "please god, fix her cancer". I was selling us both short! so, now, here's my prayer "please, god, help me remember that I and my mom are your children. like any good parent, you care and look out for us whether we know it or not. and no matter what the outcome of any given situation is, god, help me remember that, in your eyes, I am an only child. my mother is an only child. there is no limit to your love and grace. that what I would ask for is far short of you can provide" so now, I have decided to stop limiting my prayers to what I think god can do, and let god decide what s/he/god can do. that's my hope. I'm still scared, but I feel so much better now that I remembered that my mom, and me, are in god's hands. I still have a hard time investing in a specific outcome for my mom, but I can whole-heartedly know that we are being taken care of. it hasn't escaped me that today is father's day. my own father has been out of the country for six months for reasons I don't completely support. so now that I've remembered who my true parent is (god, obviously) it's just not as hard to face what's going on with my earthly parents. I hope this made some kind of sense. you are all instruments of faith for me, right now, so thank you. xoxo bunny PS. bunny is a college nickname - my name is amie. I have trust issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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