Daddys Little Girl @ 35! Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 I know that I need to get back into my life. I know that my family is tired of me sleeping all day, drinking, acting selfish and out of control, but I honestly don't have any desire to continue living a "normal" life right now. I just want to grieve my way, not my husbands way, not my daughters way, not my friends way, just my own way. Yes I am the emotional one in the family. I know enough to admit that. And I know that my family needs me to be back to my normal self. But frankly I just no longer care. I want to cry when I want to cry, I want to scream when I want to scream, I want to go to the cemetary when I want to go to the cemetary. And I just want to be left alone when I want to be left alone!!! Why is that so difficult for others to understand. I know that my dad suffered and that it is better this way. I know that he would want me to be happy and get on with life. I don't know who these people are that they feel that they have to say "What would your dad want you to do?" I just want to reach out and strangle them when they say that! Fathers Day is gone now. All I can say about that is Thank the Lord it is over. Now Monday is here and I am back to work. If that is what you call this. Basically I am just sitting here at the computer trying to stay out of everyone's way and can't get into my email or half the items that I need to be able to get into. This sucks!! I just want this day to hurry up and get over with! Praying for patience now.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Mary, I know yesterday (Fathers Day) must have been a very hard day for you to get through. I'm hoping that today is much better and sending lots of hugs and good thoughts in your direction. Everyone has different methods of grieving and it sounds like your family needs to give you a bit of space and let you find yours. I also know that people have your best in mind when they say things to you right now, although it doesn't always seem that way. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping you have better days. Don't worry about computer thing...it's Monday! I'm having the same sort of day here in my office!!! (((((((Mary)))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patut Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Mary, you have a right to feel as you do. It has only been less then a month for you. My daughter came over yesterday and burst into tears as it was Father's Day and she had so memories of her past Father's Days with her Dad. And it has been six months for us. I notice that the grief doesn't go away, but we learn to live with it in our own way. At least that's the way it is in our family. For me, each time I cry I think of it as an honor to his memory. Then it passes and I am able to move on. Another thing that helps me is to write down what I'm thinking - sometimes long epistles, and then shred it up so no one sees it. It's amazing how this helps. Just want you to know you are not alone with these feelings. I wish you the best! Cyndy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Have you thought of joining a bereavement group? I'm going to step over a line here and suggest that you think of the others you are impacting with your actions. Yes, YOU have a right to grieve, your feelings of GRIEF are legitimate - the example you are setting for your children is NOT. You are hurting - the kids lost a grandfather, too. They don't need to lose their mother to a bottle of alcohol. You can get into that bottle so deep you won't be able to crawl out. See a counselor, see a psychiatrist, but get some help. Yes, it's new, it's raw and it HURTS, but you are hurting others with your current actions. Find a constructive way to grieve, and be present for your family - the one that sees you every day. Try to get control of the grief, don't let it control you. I wish you luck, patience and strength. Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 I am sorry for your rough time. It is hard for all of us whose families are not what we pictured them being not long ago. And so I understand why it was tough. But I agree with Becky. If you are turning to alcohol to ease this pain, then that is so very dangerous. I don't expect you to be "over" things or ready to move on with your life - it has not even been a month yet - and being emotional in front of your children is fine, too. They are grieving as well, and need to understand it is okay to give expression to their sadness. But the drinking worries me, and not functioning worries me. Do find some counselling or a bereavement group. I have been seeing a therapist every 2-3 weeks for about eight months now, and she was indispensible for most of that. Now I enjoy having access to her wisdom and perspective, but it is not as necessary as it was. Good luck. Know you are in my prayers. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Mary, I am so sorry for your pain..Yesterday was the second fathers day I had to go through without my dear dad..I truly know your grief..I too am so glad its over.. I did the total opposite when my dad passed, I stay away from alchohol only because I am afraid of where my emotions may go if I tried to dull the pain..I am afraid I will feel even worse than I do now..I think the alchohol adds to the depression... I know how hard this is for you, you have to really want your life back in order to get through it...You have to give it time, its so new and raw for you, I am not going to say its easy because I still struggle with the loss everyday.. We are all here if it helps to vent, Somethings we just cant do all alone..Please take care, wishing you peace and healing... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geri Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Mary I'm so sorry that you're hurting so bad. I've been where you are and it is very painful and all the 'firsts' are dreadful but they keep on coming and then they do get easier. I lost my mom when I was 16 and my dad when I was 23. It's a long story but I didn't grieve for my mom properly and paid a very high price later on. I have to say that had I been able to talk someone about it at the time my life would have been such a lot easier. I can't stress enough that counselling would be a huge benefit, the pain could be much easier to handle and maybe you would not feel the need to be so alone in your grieving. I shall keep you in my thoughts and hope for an end to your despair. Take care Geri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 hang in there, girl. get help if you can, but above all hang in there. love and prayers. bunny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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