teresag Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 From another board I frequent: Bachelor Cooking 101: 1) Open freezer door and using large kitchen knife, begin to hack away at the 300 pound block of solid ice which has engulfed everything; continue until something is dislodged and falls on your foot. Read first aid manual for the treatment of frostbite. 2) Determine if dislodged item is edible. If not, return to Step 1 and try to figure out how the TV remote wound up in the freezer. 3) Using large kitchen knife again, chip away as much extraneous ice from food product as possible. Check first aid manual for instructions on how to stop bleeding from four-inch laceration in hand. Make mental note to check medical records for date of last tetanus shot. 4) Place food item in microwave and nuke for 20 minutes on HIGH to make sure its cooked thoroughly. Call mom for advice on removing blood stains from the kitchen curtains you used to stop the bleeding. 5) When microwave beeps (or explodes) food is done. Grab charred remains of food with non-lacerated hand; refer to first aid manual again for treatment of 1st degree burns. 6) Scrape food out of container and onto last clean dish in the cupboard. Read list of ingredients to determine what could possibly be causing that luminous-green glow. 7) Season food with large amounts of salt, ketchup, hot sauce and that orange stuff from the spice rack that mom gave you for Christmas 10 yrs ago. Read chapter of first aid manual entitled "Food Poisoning." 8 ) Under cover of darkness, bury food, plate, utensils and microwave in neighbor's backyard. Rationalize it by telling yourself you never liked them anyway. Make mental note to read first aid chapter on dog bites. 9) Order large pepperoni pizza from a place that also sells beer. Write check post-dated for August 2025 and hope delivery boy doesn't notice. 10) With now-defrosted TV remote in hand, turn on football game. Crack open that first beer and BON APPETIT !!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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