How do you encourage when you need encouraging?

[Guest youngnblessed]

Hello All,

Lately we have been going through so many changes both good days and bad days. Today we crossed another previously known side effect. I tried my best to encourage my husband, but I didnt get the best results. After the reaction that I recieved I myself am starting to feel very discouraged and dont really know what to do. I feel like I just want to crawl under a rock, and be quite waiting for the storm to pass. Someone please help me to find a way to get through this! Open to suggestions.

[Don Wood]

I also am a caregiver to my LC spouse. It is a very difficult job -- maybe one of the hardest. We need to keep them going, keep them fighting, keep them positive with hope. In order to do that, we must first take care of ourselves -- that means eating right, exercising, taking time for oneself, having someone to talk with on a regular basis. It was once explained to me like the heart -- it feeds itself with blood before it pumps it to the rest of the body. If it didn't do this, it would eventually weaken and not be able to perform its function. You must take care of yourself. You can certainly vent here and get support, but you need someone you can physically reach out to, to talk with besides your hubby. In order to have time also for yourself, you will have to be willing to ask others for help -- let them do things for you and your husband. We have been showered with help from friends, neighbors and church members -- because we encouraged them to do so. I hope you will take this to heart. We are all with you here. Blessings. Don

[bunny]

Listen to Don. I find him so inspiring. Otherwise, I am praying for strength and tolerance for all us caregivers (I had a take a dressing off my mom tonight for the first time and it hurt her - SO HARD) and health for all the people fighting LC.

xoxo

bunny

[nancy c]

Hello, hang in there. It is very hard. Never did I give up hope or let my husband give up hope. I always encouraged him--I know personally alot of that was from my own denial. But he had hope right up until the end. He wanted so to get better and live. Be strong and do take time for yourself. The caregiver has a huge burden on their shoulders. You live on a roller coaster. Good days and bad days. Just keep praying. God will take care of you. God bless, Nancy C.

[daggiesmom]

Don is so right. He knows better than anyone how to take care of your spouse in this circumstance. We, here on the board, can give you alot of advice on treatment, side effects, etc. but Don is the best advice man when it comes to being a spouse with a "i don't know what to do" problem. Keep postin' we're here for you.

Joanie

[Fall54]

Hi,

I always kept an upbeat attitude with my Brother and cried behind the scenes, I didnt take that time for myself as I should have and completly lost myself for a long time. Please listen to Don as All I can tell you is how I didnt take care of "Me" and how I have payed for it. My prayers are with you both

God bless,

Jane

[Snowflake]

Young,

I think a big part of the feeling of helplessness for you is that you are a newlywed and do not know your husband all that well. My husband and I had been married six months when I was diagnosed and had been going through the whole "working into each other's way of doing things". That all was put on hold for surgery and treatment.

It's pretty tough stuff to get through when you've been married over 40 years (46 for Don and Lucie), but when you don't KNOW the patient that well, it's an added hurdle. You and your husband will need to reach an understanding (many refer to it as a "Come to Jesus meeting") - you are there to HELP him, but are not his verbal punching bag. Sure, he can vent, be frustrated and angry, but he should NOT take it out on you, personally.

You need to talk, plain and simple. Let him know that you know he is hurting both physically and emotionally, and that some of the things he says hurt YOU. You do not need a huge chasm between you emotionally, take steps to building a bridge or it will get far too wide to get over.

Take care,

Becky

[Ann]

Being a caregiver is probably the toughest "job" I have ever had! I put job in quotes, as it wasn't really a "job" but instead a true labor of love. Yes, by all means listen to Don's advice. He's our resident expert here when it comes to advice for caregivers. From my experience, I found it was absolutely a must to have someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. Like others have said, I tried to be tough and not cry until I was away from Dennis. I found it's very important to cry, talk, scream, yell...whatever you have to do in your own space and time to relieve some of the feelings of pain and frustration that are all hidden inside you. I will be thinking of you!!!

[Justakid]

Although I am the patient and not the caregiver, I can speak for my husband. It has been about 15mths since dx and my husband is beginning to have problems. He can no longer look at me and tell me everything will be OK as I sit there with my oxygen on coughing and complaining that I am going to die. After all this time he is having a hard time being optimist.

I have told him to come here and it's too much on him, when he reads the stories he can't take it emotionally. I think I have him convinced to try counseling. I think it helps (even in my situation) to have an unassociated third party to help walk you through it.

Good luck!