Remembering Dave Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Just a short note and then I'll probably disappear for a while again. Our internet crashed around June 25 and I just got around this morning to getting it back up. missing is any emails sent to me from around June 25 to July 2. Faith and I were supposed to move last week but for numerous reasons it's been delayed, hopefully to on or around July 15. At that point I will have cable high speed internet and I'll probably just wait until then to come on the board and post again. I'm not going back to work for quite some time, and this dial up internet connection is so slow it drives me nuts, plus, I just plain ole' don't have the time to sit here babysitting the computer all day. I am incredibly busy. Just imagine the world of arrangements that need to be made upon the death of a spouse, add to that selling a house, buying a house, and moving and liquidating all of the personal property I will no longer need: boat, tractor, pickup truck, travel trailer, tons of power tools like table saws and miter saws and, yuk, guns. And taking care of a three year old, which involves getting her to daycare every day so I can get SOMETHING done at home. but it's a one hour round trip, each way. two hours a day just getting her out of the house so I can get stuff done. more importantly, though, is keeping her on a routine and as regular a schedule as possible, which seems to be the very best thing for my little angel. I was going to post in the grieving section but I can't honestly say I am grieving. I miss Dave terribly, but am happy that he is with God in Heaven as I know he is. he suffered so much at the end and he made me promise that I would never let him suffer. I tell Faith that Daddy is living with God because God is the only one who could fix Daddy's boo boo and that is true. The docs tried everything they could in the hospital to alleviate his pain but just never could quite get it. I feel awful that happened to him when I made the promise, but on the other hand, he fought so hard, till the bitter end, to live, that he fought himself through alot of pain, never giving up and giving in, and he endured alot more pain than most folks would have just to have every last day he could with Faith and I. Stubborn dear man that he was. One of Dave's best friends - no, I will call him Dave's very best friend - has really been there for Faith and I. She asked him to be her daddy now and he said yes, he loves her so much and is already doing things with her, him and his 15 year old daughter who he has custody of, who in fact has been helping me with everything from babysitting Faith to going through Dave's clothes with me and picking out things for some of her dad's and Dave's friends. so with the help of friends like this little family of two that already feels like a family of four, Faith and I are going to make it, and we won't be too lonely, and having Dave's friends so active in our lives will keep him alive in our hearts and minds because they cherished him as well. After I move and switch ISP's I plan to rejoin the board with a new "handle" under my new email address, so I'll see everyone again later. God Bless, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Hi Karen, It was great to see your post. You have been missed. Sounds like you are mega busy......I understand how you feel on the greiving issue, I felt the same way when my Mom died, and helping my Dad kept me busy too. Glad to hear Faith is well, and you have lots of support from friends. Hope everything goes well with your move. Take care. Faylene Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Karen, it is so very good to hear from you! I can't imagine how you are handling everything that you are doing at one time! Moving alone is a tremendous task, one that I absolutely hate. Then, to have all these other things to deal with at the same time...you are one strong lady!!! It sounds like Dave and Dennis had a lot in common as far as belongings go. I still have a storage unit filled with tools, camping and hunting items and anything else you might imagine. My sons are getting together in a couple of weekends and deciding who wants what and then I'm either selling or giving away the rest! I know exactly how you feel about being glad Dave is no longer in pain. Dennis was in such terrible pain that the doctors seemed to do little to control. I was relieved that the suffering ended for him. Please keep in touch with us, as we think of you so very often. I am so glad you have friends to help you through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 wow. I am in awe of your strenght but also a bit worried that you are making yourself so very busy that your not taking the time to go through the grief process. I am just worried that one day it will hit you so hard, you will hit rock bottom. please be extra kind to yourself and do something for YOURSELF once in a while. Faith needs you deerly now and as her mommy you need to take care of yourself. much luv Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Karen, You sound amazing! You have so much on your plate and you are doing it with the help of your friends and God. You go girl! love, cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Karen, It's so good to hear from you. I'm sure I speak for many of us when I say that you have been on our minds and in our prayers. It sounds like you have been quite busy and it's good to hear that Faith is doing well. Knowing she is doing okay is a comfort to you, I'm sure. Gonna jump out of here for now, but will be looking forward to your return. It's just not the same without you. Take care. Love and Prayers, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 (((Karen))) You're doing a great job of putting one foot in front of the other. Keep it up. You'll get through this mountain of stuff. Know that you are thought of often. Val Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDianneB Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Good to hear from you Karen, and that you are staying busy and getting through things. I'd say that I wish I were there to help you move, but that would be a big ol' lie! I hate to move - yuk! Take care of yourself. Don't work too hard -- makes me feel guilty! Di Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Karen, so good to see you posting and getting an update on you and Faith. Glad you have the friend helping you both. Look forward to your posts. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addie Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Great to hear from you Karen. I guess an email or two from me was lost....as I did write to check in on you. Sounds like you are coping even with all that remains to be settled in your life. I hope the move goes smoothly and that other issues do as well. Know that you're thought of and that good wishes are coming your way. Hugs to you and Faith.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Bless you Karen for all you are going through and all that you have endured. I can't wait for you to get settled in and back to a "normal" life. Or as normal as you can make it. I just want to say good luck with all your selling, moving, driving etc. You are one tough cookie. Will be waiting for your post when you get settled in. Thank you for the update, it is great to hear from you and know you are busy doing what has to get done. You are amazing. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail p-m Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Karen It was good to see you post. You do sound terribly busy though. I hope that once you get into your new house, you'll be able to take a breather. I'm glad that you have many friends who are there for you and Faith. Remember there are many of us here for you but in a different way. I've been thinking of you and Faith and keep you in my prayers. Gail p-m Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 I hope all goes well with your move. Thanks for letting us know how you and Faith are doing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted July 7, 2005 Author Share Posted July 7, 2005 Hey, guys and gals, especially Shellie, please don't worry about me and the grief process. My WONDERFUL pastor, who was at the hospital every day that last stretch, and I sat down and talked about that very thing, the afternoon before Dave passed away. Ginny pointed out a few months ago to me here on the boards that it seemed I was grieving in advance and I didn't realize it but yes I was. I've known for at least a few months that I was going to lose Dave and I started the process then. In fact, the week before Dave died and I took him to the hospital for the very last time, I sobbed my heart out at work every single day. Didn't do a damn piece of work, just sat there with my face in my hands sobbing. I knew it was coming, with the inner instinct only a spouse as close as Dave and I were, knew. Anyway, the pastor said he could see how I had been walking side by side with Dave throughout this entire process, and how I was in step with him and in tune with him 100% and therefore already going through the steps and stages of grief and more or less "keeping up". Trust me, I still have my moments. I constantly want to ask him questions, of course - and then sometimes when I'm alone here at the house I just cry out for him. But I do find incredible peace knowing his pain is gone and he is where he should be. God had a plan for Dave and to have absolute Faith in God one must accept God's plan. Faith is a blind trust. I have a blind trust that Dave is in the Kingdom of Heaven and is fine. It is us, left behind, that suffer because we are deprived of the physical love and companionship we expected to have for a long time to come. But I am determined not to let myself succumb to the feeling of being a victim but instead I'm making sure Faith and I are getting out and being among friends and soaking in as much love and life as we can, not just for the time being but for the long term. We have too many friends that love us not to take advantage of that. Moving will really help with that because we will be living right in the thick of a rather small community where most of our friends happen to live, near daycare and all of Faith's daycare comrades, bunches of Dave's friends that are now my dear friends, in a friendly neighborhood with lots of kids, and more importantly, right in the thick of some decent big box shopping (walmart and target) and bunches of family friendly restaurants. I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. I will say I've done my homework to prepare for this as well. Weekly visits with my clinical psychologist who coached me through clincial depression after not being able to carry a pregnancy. Periodic phone calls with my pastor. Venting to friends when things got frustrating. It all helped me prepare for what I had to accept. Anyway, I lied, I got back on the board, but gotta go now walk the dogs before Faith wakes up. God Bless, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eileen Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Karen---I am so glad you checked in with us . I am glad to see you are keeping a positive attitude. People handle grief in different ways and no one can tell another person how to grieve. Even though you thought you sometimes did not handle things well, I think you handled things in a manner that few people could have if they were in your shoes. The best of luck to you in your new home and I hope your move goes very smooth. regards, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kel M Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Karen it's good to hear from you. I continue to keep you and Faith in my prayers. Stay strong! Kel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 good luck with the move, and everything else. you really sound like you are doing right by your daughter, which I admire so much. I pray to find even an ounce of the grace you possess. xoxo amie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ellakc2 Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Karen, You have been on my mind. God's speed to you girl. Do what you have to and come back to us. Mare Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rogfam Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Karen, you are simply amazing. God is most definitely with you. And yes, God had a plan for Dave, just as He does for you and Faith, and thank God you know that! God bless you! Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Karen...just wanted to chime in and say that I am all too familar with grieving in advance. I really felt like I lost Dennis months before he died. The man that I had known and loved for over 25 years had been gone for some time before his last breath. I probably began the grieving process when the doctor told us....nonoperable....noncurable....but maybe with treatment we can buy a little time. At that point, I began preparing myself for what was to come and how I would survive alone. I never once let Dennis know that these thoughts were in my mind. I managed to stay optomistic and cheery in his presence. When I was out of his sight, the grieving would really take hold. People were amazed how well I held up after his death. A counselor helped me understand about the grieving process and it was then I realized that, in my mind, I had been preparing for his death for a long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Hi Karen, It's so good to hear from you. I sent you an email at work a couple of days before David died, so I expect it will still be there when you get back to work. I'm actually glad to hear that you have all this work to do to keep busy. Ginny has said numerous times that the key to keeping on after losing a spouse is to keep busy. Well, you certainly have quite a large number of things to keep you busy for a while. Like Shellie said, though, I think a time could be coming where it might get a little tougher. Maybe not. I hope not, but if it does, we're here for you. Take care of yourself, Karen, and give Faith a big hug from me. Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David P Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Hi Karen. I want to thank you for choosing to stay an active member of the message board. You have a wealth of experience that will help many people get through what you are experiencing. And I don't think I have ever heard it described before -- the things a spouse must do and the feelings one must deal with when a spouse passes away. Thanks for that. Take care Karen; I look forward to seeing you post when you get all settled in. David P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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