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Still grieving for my Dad


Guest xena

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Guest xena

I was on here last year when i was by my Dads side while is was very poorly with LC.

I am still crying every now and again, and why can i not stop thinking about the horrible things.

The long journey started in August while my Dad was on honeymoon, he fell and had a fit in Greece, after tests we found out he had terminal lung cancer and pnumonia!! After 2 months we finally got him back to UK in an air ambulance, the pnumonia cleared but he never regained strength and passed away in November.

I cannot stop thinking about how ill he was within a week of seeing him on his wedding day, when i rushed out to Athens after he fell, he was so ill and delirous (the cancer had spread to his brain) please can someone talk to me :?

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I know that watching how fast everything escalated must be awful. My dad went through the same thing. He was diagnosed in August of last year, past away on May 23rd this year.

Sometimes I find myself smiling now while I am remembering some of the things that my dad used to do. I still find myself in tears a lot. Last week, my husband and I got into an arguement and I found myself sitting at the cemetary for 2 hours bawling and just talking to dad.

Some of my friends that have lost parents tell me that it will get better, that the good memories will start to erase the bad memories. I know from my head that they are correct but sometimes the heart is talking louder than what the head is and the heart always wins out in the end.

People around me didn't understand how to deal with my grief either. It was awful and sometimes still is. My husband finally just sat me down and said that it was time to get back to my life, meaning get back to work, start taking care of my daughter, and most importantly for me, give my undivided attention to the living, especially my mom. I was so mad at him for telling me all of this stuff I can't even tell you.

To make a long story short, I got back to work right after Fathers Day and now I can feel some of the pieces starting to come together again.

I can't imagine some of your pain, that is only because I know that we are all dealing with everything in our own way, but I will be here. If you need to talk to someone shoot me an email sometime. I promise that if you are in tears, I will be in tears with you. No one will cry alone on my watch....

I'm keeping you in my prayers and thoughts....

Mary

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Xena,

My Earl had a seizure the day after we returned from a 2 week vacation in Italy. And we were down in Atlantic City New Jersey when he got sick. While he lived for 23 months after this, he was never the same. His concentration was shot, his balance was off, all very sad to watch. And it is sad now for me. But our loved ones are still here tucked away in our heart and mind.

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I think your dad would want you to get on with life and not be tied up still with his death. A good way to honor his memory is to be the best you you can be, and that means to let go of the past, move on, and remember all the good things about your dad, and tell others. I hope you can do that.

I lost my dad when I was only 23, but I cherish those years and try to be a good son in his honor. It takes a long time to heal from a parent's death. I lost both my parents within 11 months, so I had to deal with grief for both of them at the same time. I survived, and you can too. I wish you well. Don

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Guest xena

Thanks to you all, its such a help to have this forum. I know i need to look forward and mostly i do its just the odd moment i have thats all. But thankyou all for your kindness :wink:

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Xena, I was so very touched by your post. I know how hard it was to see your father's health decline so quickly. It is so very hard to lose someone we love. As Don said, I know that your father would not want to see you so sad. He would want you to remember all of the happy times the two of you shared! When my mom died, I somehow felt that she had become a part of me and felt that she was living on...in my heart. I can tell from your post, that your father, does indeed, live in your heart. So, Xena, you really have your father with you every day. I once heard an interview with the singer Josh Groban. He very deeply loved his dear grandmother that had passed away. He said that she used to say to him ..."Whenever you think of me, I'll be alive." So, we can keep our loved ones alive in our hearts and minds every time we think of them. I know this hasn't been much help and I maybe made little sense, but your post just tugged at my heart strings and I had to reply! ((((((((Xena)))))))) and hoping you feel much better today!

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Guest xena

Ann thanks so much for your heart warming post, i know this may sound weird but because it was so quick i felt that it has took so much time for me to come to terms with it all. I have obviously heard of LC before my Dad became ill, but i never thought for one minute it can make someone so poorly so quick, and i think thats why it has upset me for so long. I suppose i have to think that whats happened has happened and my life needs to move on. But the other thing which has upset me in particular, my Dad never really knew (unless he kept it to himself) what was wrong with him, because after the fall and fits he never really went back to his normal self, very delirious and sometimes never knew you were in the room with him. The docs and my step-mum thought it best not to tell him anything but i wanted to, but didn't as i didn't want to upset anyone. He kept asking if he had alziemers (sorry spelling!) And we said no, but he never mentioned Cancer. I feel that there's so much i wish i could ask him now. Sorry to go on.... :(

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Xena, I know how you feel. I lost my mom 9 months ago. There are good days when I can think of her and laugh out loud at things we've done together, and then there are days I just think of her and want to cry and bawl like a baby. I sometimes that I should have see the "signs" sooner; I'm a respiratory therapist for the love of God!!! Why didn't I see it coming! I sometimes feel like I failed her, I mean she and my dad put me through college to become this and I, will all my medical knowledge, did'nt see the signs! I then have to step back and tell myself I didn't do this. It's not my fault, this was God's plan, not mine. There are times when I still feel like she isnt' gone; that I can just call her up and she'll be one the other end of the line. All I can say is cry when you need to cry and laugh when you remember the good times. In time, the laughs will happen more than the crying, and your life will go on with your dad in your heart. Praying that you find some peace with this soon.

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hi xena, i feel for you. i too lost my father but in march 2005 and i often relive horrible memories of his decline. it's VERY painful. lately i'm doing better at pushing them away and REMEMBERING CONSCIOUSLY that my father was not his illness; he had a life before that and I try to put my thoughts to better memories becuase thinking of those final weeks is just too painful. for a while i couldn't help but think of them, they just stayed in my mind; now lately it's becoming easier to have more control over my thoughts. maybe you can try this too? I don't but I hope so.

Also in reading your postings, it seems like yes, even though your father passed from a "terminal illness,' becaue of teh suddenness of teh diagnosis and his sudden spiral into very poor health, that it's almost more like, perhaps, for you, a sudden death, like someone experiences when they lose someone to a heart attack or anuerism [sp].. very very traumatic! and often it's so very normal in these experiences to relive bad scenes in our minds; it's truly a trauma...

having said that, even though it's understandable and reasonable, it is at the same time painful for you (and for me when i do it).. and so, well, i guess we can just cry out way through it AND try to find ways of really realizing that our loved one was NOT his illness, that his life was NOT those last weeks or months, and that every living organism breaks down and dies. yes, iknow that sounds so technical but it has helped me to remind myself over and over and over again that death is natural and inevitable and that we all have our time....

it dosen't help me to stop missing my dad but it does soothe me somewhat to LET GO of my need to control my life, ie i want to control it so that my dad is here!! but i can't. and you know we all have to accept things as they are, because when we don't we just torment ourselves.

i know i sound really rational. in truth, i am not! : ) I've had a really rough time since my dad's passing and it continues to pain me deeply but i guess i'm just philosophical tonight! and in truth, i am having a decent week. i hope you do too. take care xena, let us know how you are. lori

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Thanks all for your kind and helpful replies, i'm okay at moment and trying to remember my Dad how he was before LC took hold, and that was a great, hard working man, and a wonderful Dad. :)

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Xena, I am so sorry. This comes especially hard when there was just only few months from diagnosis to end that no one can expect this. It must be very uneasy to you and your family members. The griefing time must be very long so you have every right to feel upset and down during the griefing period. But please know that we as human, even the doctors can't control life, all we did were already the best we could do.

Xena, let your grief and upset out as much as you wish at anytime, don't push yourself too much as your dad is deserved for every teardrop, but on the other hand, you are much more deserved to be happy in the rest of your life. Your dad won't be happy to see you unhappy forever.

All the best and please know that we are on the same boat.

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Hello Xena,

remembering the pain and awful effects of cancer is so difficult. I still remember my dad in pain and suffering. It is then I cry the most. Iwould have done anything to take away my dad's pain. Now, two and a half years later, I am starting to remember other things. The memories are bittersweet. I am thankful to have other memories besides him in the hospital bed, etc. However, I long for the good memories not to have faded. Recently, I have a recurring dream that I can't remember if my father is dead or not. That is, in my dream he is still sick but regaining strength and I wake up confused. There is no way through this time except to go straight through it. Time may not necessarily heal all wounds, but it does become easier. I wish you strength and love in your path forward. Mirrell

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