A True Confession

[Patkid]

Well, friends, I owe each of you an apology.

I am asking for your indulgence and forgivness.

I talk a great story.

I am not so hot at walking the talk.

I profess Faith and Hope and Charity.

Then, when the going gets tough............I forget.

I refuse to trust.

I try to control things.

I try to be strong.

I try to be proactive, and 'handle things'.

I think that outcomes are dependent on my input.

I try to 'reason' the unfairness out of the situation.

I try to justify events, happenings and results.

I get my feelings hurt ~~~~~~~~ like this whole cancer thing is about ME.

I look to get MY NEEDS met, forgetting to meet the needs of those around me.

I am angry.

I am sad.

I am scared.

I am overly sensitive and needy.

Now for the worst..............I am jealous of the good news and demoralized by any bad news.

I have internalized perceived criticisms and felt sorry for myself.

I have wallowed in self-pity.

Having admitted this, I am asking for support and prayer while I give this sinfulness to Yahweh. There is nothing I can "DO" to fix myself.

I simply have to use my AA experiences and "LET GO"

so, today,

I am letting go of this behavior, I am getting in and getting wet ~~~~~~~~ again.

Each of you is so important and so precious.

I am sorry for being selfish, and for missing the whole point of this whole journey.........IT IS NOT ABOUT ME.

I can not ensure that I won't fall again...........I can only promise that He will boost me up each time to begin again.

In His Grip,

Pat Osberg

[pecola]

WoW! That took guts, and I'm awed by your humility and honesty; but please don't be so hard on yourself, Pat. We are all human, and all of these heightened emotions thoughts and feelings are to be expected under the circumstances.

(((Pat)))

(((Brat)))

Gina

[terriep]

Oh, Pat, I do so love you! ((((Pat & Brian)))) What a genuinely heartfelt post - Prayers,

[MilliBr1]

(((Pat))) In all your I am's your forgetting one " I am human" I am sure many here have those same feelings. I know I have been guitly of many of these feelings. The good news is your see where you may need some improvement and are praying for the strength to change.

Now maybe we need to start a list of what you are to the people on this board. Since I've joined I noticed you always are there with support, kind words and prayers. Not to mention the love you feel for your husband.

Now don't be so hard on yourself, your feeling are normal. Sending hugs and prayers

[Kasey]

Dear (((Pat))),

I see nothing at all that needs an apology. If so, then I would be posting one myself. I practically could have written your post myself.

I sometimes find it difficult to trust.

I try to control things.

I TRY to be strong.

I try to be proactive.

I try to reason the "unfairness" of my situation

I get my feelings hurt too easily.

I get ANGRY.

I get SAD.

I AM scared.

I am overly sensitive.

I am jealous of healthy people.

I have wallowed in self pity.

So you see, Pat. You definitely are not alone. Please try to not be so hard yourself. I am trying the same here. We are only human after all. We do the best we can with what we got.

I do believe that everyone on this site is rooting for everyone else...be it by prayer, thoughts, posts, PM's, whatever. That is what lifts me up on difficult days - like today waiting to hear about 'new' lung masses on my x-ray.

I am hoping, praying strength for you (and myself - see, I am selfish too).

Trying so hard to send much strength, hope, and love through this post to you, Pat.

Kasey

[Addie]

You know what, Pat? Sometimes it IS about you!! And sometimes it's about me....and sometimes it's about somebody else here. That's how it goes!

There is nothing at all wrong with a little humility...but feeling sorry for ourselves sometimes, or looking to get OUR OWN needs met, or even feeling jealous that someone else gets good news when our own seems to be bad....are all evidence of our being human. We all have the same emotions....so feeling them, as I view it, is fine. Wallowing may NOT be such a good idea , but feeling them is certainly fine.

My friend Shelley often uses "letgoletgoletgo" in her emails to me. Let go, three times, all run together like that. It's become a catch phrase between us...and it applies more often than it doesn't, when one is dealing with cancer. Shelley is a survivor of melanoma....which, believe it or not, her dog found!! Sniffed a mole on her leg to the point that it sent Shel off to the doctor!

But I digress (and I do it a lot! )

You owe us no apologies and need no forgiveness from us. You're a big support around here even as you and Bri fight your own battle. We all falter a little here and there, trying to be brave in the face of what really, ultimately, is the unknown. It still doesn't mean we need to apologize.

I like you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, Pat!! Don't change a thing for me...okay? Just go hug the other half of the BratTeam and know you both are valued here.

[annjael]

You owe no apologies for humaness. I copied your "confession" because some of those things I am guilty of and I thank you for sharing it. I plan to post it where I can see it when I start feeling those feelings. Thank you for your honesty and humility.

Peace,

Annjael

[David P]

I agree with Addie, Pat.

There is room in all this for you. It might not have to be all about you, but there is room at the Inn for Pat. Don't be so hard on yourself.(and you'd have a hard time trying to convince all who have read your posts that it has been all about you - we know you better than that). Take care.

David P.

[Don Wood]

In other words, Pat, you're human just like the rest of us. As long as we realize we are human, and try to do better, we are okay. Blessings. Don

[cindi o'h]

well Pat,

The only reason for this disease that I can figure out, is to bring us closer to Him. And closer to Him through each other. Sounds to me like you are going in a good direction. Leggo. I like that.

lotsa smuffs!

Cindi o'h

[bunny]

oh, honey. to quote an over-played song, "did you ever know that you're my hero?"

Pat, you are handling an impossible set of circumstances with extraordinary grace. period. all those moments of doubt, jealousy, etc. are what make the moments without it so impressive and awe-inspiring and I know first hand that you have many of those 'enlightened' moments and, even better, you SHARE them.

I am being dragged from the courtroom to a meeting, but I could not let another minute go by without reminding you that there's a reason people like the dalai lama are revered - if we could all live with that measure of peace and acceptance, he'd be just another dude in a robe. "We seek spriritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

I will respond more in a PM. till then I send you

love,

amie

[SDianneB]

Golly, Pat. I was really wondering how you knew all those things about me. I'm with Kasey -- that's called "human." I found myself so engrossed over a week delay in resuming chemo due to elevated bilirubin, didn't touch base with my friend like I should have, and then found out her house burned. A total loss.

Now,just think of how many smacks I'd like to give myself for that? Sheesh.

You're a trooper. No apologies necessary at all from my POV.

Hang in there.

Di

[shineladysue]

((((Pat)))),

Apologize not Pat. You are one of the most unselfish people I have ever seen. As a loving, dedicated wife, this is your cancer Pat. You and Brian are in this together and you are human. Wish I could make this easier for you and everyone else on this board. This journey just isn't easy. We have to trust in God and help one another the best that we can. Sending you prayers and lots of hugs.

Love,

Sue

[Treebywater]

Oh Pat... I love you, lady.

Can I say "Me too" to all of your post?

Don't be so hard on yourself. This stuff hurts us all so badly (even those of us who don't feel it physically).

Know that you are loved as you are and where you are and on days where all of the above is true, we still love you just the same (and Abba does even more).

My aunt said something the other day that I keep telling myself... No feelings are bad. Only what we do with them.

And PS--I would have to add: And I eat too many cream puffs and MnMs instead of actually dealing with my feelings or actively helping the situation.

(((((Pat))))) (((((Brian)))))

[missyk]

((((Pat))))

There is not a day go by that i don't sit down and berate myself for some of the same things that you've confessed to. It IS being human. HE knows we struggle to walk the walk...it's part of our journey through life whether we are dealing with the beastie or not. You carry yourself with grace on these boards, offering help to those in need, advice to those seeking, and love to those who feel even just a bit down that day. What would we do without you? I don't even want to imagine.

Thank you for your heartfelt post. It reminded me yet again that in my world, it's not all about me, either.

All my love to Team Brat!! And prayers for Pat and Brian...and everyone else, too!

[ginnyde]

Pat,

After Earl died I went through so many woulda's, shoulda's coulda's I could have driven my self insane. It is all too true, thank God, that we are human and as human's we have faults. also thank God. In most cases we do the best we can for each situation and for each moment. BUT we can't always do our best for any number of reasons.

Your posts have always inspired me with your unselfishness, and your overwhelming kindness. Stop beating yourself up. Enjoy each and every minute you have with your dear Brian.

[rogfam]

I don't think I could add anything more to what these beautiful people have already said so wonderfully.

We're all human, all have those same feelings...

You have Him, and He will hold you up, He will fight this for you, He will give you peace and He will never leave you. We serve a great big GOD! And He loves you just as much as He loves your husband. He has great plans for you both!

I too am great at talking the talk, but guess what? IT can be very faith building! It's good to lift each other up, it lifts us up as well!

I'm praying for you!

Christy

[stand4hope]

Pat,

I had to grin when I read your post. If you will recall, I posted a while back about my meltdown. This meltdown, complete with sobbing tears, lasted for 3 days and was precluded by about a week of total selfishness for myself and my own suffering.

When I let this meltdown out in front of my husband, I point-blank said, right out loud, through sobbing tears, "Right now, what I'm going to tell you isn't about you - IT'S ABOUT ME!!" I then proceeded to let him know how his disease has made me feel, what it's done to me, my fears, etc., etc. Since then I have had a few counseling sessions with a pastor/counselor and know that it is ok for it to be about me, too.

He's still the focus. It's still got be done according to his choices, and he is still in charge, but I am a part of "WE" and I am 1/2 of the "ONE" that we became 37 years ago, so it's about me, too!

Like Addie said, sometimes it is about YOU! Even though our husbands are the ones with cancer, we have feelings, too. We are facing a completely different set of fears than they are facing, and they are real and valid.

I bet that just about every single thing you "confessed", we have all felt. It's as normal as sunshine in the middle of July.

If you are going to list the things you are guilty of, add this one to the list:

I am guilty of blessing others!

Love you!!

Peggy

[gail p-m]

I too am guilty of most of that, if not more. As I read your post, my thoughts were "Welcome to the human race."

Gail p-m

[Leslie221]

What has happened to make you feel so down on yourself, Pat? I went down your list of faults and was able to put a check mark by each one.

I don't think there is any person on this board who hasn't chosen to write something uplifting or positive when they didn't really feel it at the moment. I don't think anyone hasn't felt a little envious and thought, "Oh, why can't it be like that for me?" And I KNOW everyone here has moments when we want to tear up phone books in rage, hide under the covers in fear, cry like a baby and long for someone good and powerful to pick us up and hold us.

My husband has had a heck of a year ever since I nearly died in January. His younger sister had a horrible time with another kind of cancer and died last month. He stays strong for me, he was strong for his sister, he was strong for his mother. I thank him for it all the time, but I guess I get so wrapped up in myself that I don't realise how MUCH this whole things really wears him down.

A charitable group offered to fulfill a lifelong wish of mine and send the two of us on a dream vacation. I started feeling really guilty about accepting it (the group has to reassure me that if I live another 50 years, they'd only be happy for me, not want their money back!) But I kept feeling like I was "pushing my luck" or would "be punished" cancer-wise if I accepted this tremendous gift. Finally, Mark broke down in tears as said, "What about ME? I need this trip! I need something happy, too!" And then it hit me. This has been the worst time of his life, too. I guess we forget to acknowledge everything caretakers go through. I owe people like YOU an appology for that.

Mother Teresa (who I think came pretty close to really walking the walk) said, "If we judge others we don't have time to love them." That goes for ourselves, too.

If you don't like the way you've been doing things, you can always make changes. Appology not necessary but accepted if it helps you forgive yourself. Heck, I think everyone here still likes ya!

Leslie

[Maryanne]

Pat you are a wonderful person and have given so much encouragement to so many of us when we were scared and down. You were ALWAYS there to lift us up.

We all feel the way you do at different times in our life. Just because I post support doen't mean I go through my moments of dispair.

We are only human. You are a wonderful person who cares from the center of your being.

I am proud to know you!!

I thank you for being wonderful you.

Maryanne

[Fall54]

Dear Pat,

All that says to me is that you are human. Dont you think we all do those things and when the going gets tough on the home front we forget all our good advise to others?

You are a human being and I respect what you wrote but dont think you need to feel bad about any of it. Much love to you and Brian

God Bless You Both,

Jane

[J.C.]

Pat,

I'm also asking for your indulgence and

forgiveness because,

very often I want to post and the words

are clear in my mind but I can't write

them as the tears are too near.

I think of all the new drugs that are in

use for lc and I get weepy thinking of Mike,

but so happy they are there for those that

need them.

I still have trouble welcoming new members,

I'm so scare for them and the future.

I could add to this but for today that will

be enough.

You see Pat, I also have things to live with.

The best to you and Brian.

J.C.

[melaniem]

My sweet Pat,

Your words were once again beautiful and gracious and heartfelt. I agree with others that at times it's perfectly ok, normal to wallow!!! And, YES, sometimes it IS about YOU. That's not being selfish, I think it's being honest. You are the caretaker and sometimes, it's ok to admit, YOU need to be taken care of.

We all love you...

because of the cross...

melaniem

[Connie B]

Well,

I give this sinfulness to Yahweh.

Pat Osberg

Well Pat, I hope your confession made you feel better within yourself. What do they say? Confession is good for the soul?

NOW I have a stupid question for you. Who or What is: "Yahweh"? I'm pretty sure I am not the only one that is unclear on this!

Oh that's right, there is NO SUCH THING AS A STUPID QUESTION!