Cheer me UP!!

[Cindy RN]

MyMiddle daughter-Vicky 25-just pilled out of my driveway with all of her wordly belongings!!

She is moving in with her longtime boyfriend (I am not happy about that!) who lives an hour away from here. It is also the same town she works in.

I am just beside myself. I thought I would handle this better. I want to go to my room and scream and cry!! I can not tho because it would just upset the others here. So what do I do ---I sit and stare at the TV. Tears just start rolling and I go wipe them and act like I am fine!! I am not.

How have you others dealt with your children moving out??

She was the one who went with me thru the chemo and rad. treatments. The younger one was in school. Tom had to work. I don't think I knew how how much she meant to me-just having her here. I may be the most selfish person but ????????

Please pray I get thru this without crawling in a corner!!

Cindy

[trishnmiller]

Dear Cindy, Hold your baby Roxy close and know, in your heart, that at 25 years old it is time for your daughter to go feather her own nest. You are still a miracle!

Trish

[Geri]

I say, lick your wounds for a while, have a pity party. Let the tears flow and then be happy that you've brought up an independant young woman who was there for you when you needed her most and will be again IF the need arises.

Nobody rolled up the road behind her, she will be back to visit and probably before you think.

Mine visits far more often than I ever thought she would........she was real eager to be out on her own......so take heart, you raised her right.

Geri

[Addie]

Oh, Cindy....you will survive this...and not from a corner. But maybe not as soon as you'd wish, either.

My youngest was so easy to raise. Older son was very private and wouldn't communicate much. Younger son let all his thoughts hang out and was SO easy by comparison.

So...he goes off to college and finds his very first girlfriend at nearly age 20. He's still with her and she and her family have problems up the wazoo. Serious issues that have me concerned. Her brother is, even by HER admission...."weird".

Last August my son moved in with her. He's almost 27 and still with the same, first and only girlfriend who comes HERE and won't even come into the room unless my son is in there. Like my DH and I are ogres! (Don't I seem like a difficult person to get along with??? ) She is very socially inept....and even my son admits she is "high maintenance"...looking only to him or her parents and one or two girlfriends. Otherwise...people make her nervous, I guess

He's in the Chicago area. I see him once or twice a year if I'm lucky. Right now he's in grad school, so is pretty busy and is doing a summer internship in Ohio (so is not with her for the summer, altho she's kept him flying or driving home MORE than he's remained in Ohio on weekends! )

He knows my feelings....that I wish he'd dated around a bit. She manipulates him...and bright as he is...he doesn't see some of it. I'm hoping he'll eventually see enough of it, though.

I finally decided my relationship with him is what matters. If he marries her someday...he'll have made his own stew and I am powerless to stop it. I keep hoping he'll wise up....that living with her he might get a better sense of what marriage would be like.

I'm old fashioned enough I'd prefer that NONE of my kids lived with someone before marriage. I'm not an idiot or a total prude...and I had no expectations of "virgins until they marry". In this day and age, I don't think that's very practical. I hope that comment doesn't offend anyone...it's just the way I feel.

But...I still feel that marriage is more special....waking up that first morning together after the wedding...if a couple hasn't been living together.

And here I sit with BOTH my sons living with their girlfriends and my stepson (who was always an over-achiever ) moving in with someone for about the 6th or 7th time. I've lost track. Like I said...kids do things differently these days. <>

Try to let it go and let her make her own choices, even if they turn out to be mistakes. Truthfully...this relationship of my son's about broke my heart more than once....and expressing any of my distress with it only seemed to drive him further away.

Now, I just ask after her and tell him to say hello. Nothing much more...nothing much less.

She may move back in someday, Cindy! You never know. YOu didn't mention how you feel about him OR her living with him, specifically...and you don't need to. I just think it's hard seeing any child move out.

When my youngest comes to visit...invariably, the day he leaves again I get all weepy and messy. He's my "baby" and I know when he walks out that door...I might not see him again for close to a year.

Relationships change...but you know...a kid ALWAYS needs their mom in some way. Dad, too. But moms....it's a special relationship, I think...maybe because we're the ones who actually give birth.

Send her cards. Don't bomb her with phone calls...just send a few cards or notes in the mail...and see what happens. She might start calling you on a regular basis.

Make sure not to put any phones in any corners...so when she DOES call...you can be in the middle of a room...feeling okay about your relationship again.

Does any of this drivel help? I hope!??

Oh, and P.S. I figure this will give you a laugh...I've never told my son this...but my hubby and a couple of friends have heard me say that if my youngest marries this girl....I'm being buried with all my jewelry on and clutching the family sterling flatware in my hands!!

Hey....I may not mean it...but it makes me laugh to think it and it's better than being upset about where (and with whom) he's living these days...eh?

[gail]

When my only baby left for college last year I felt like I had been to a funeral. I put lots of pictures all over the house.

Pet the dog, as was already suggested. The dog will stay by your side.

And my favorite---get a massage

gail

[Treebywater]

I second that massage tip. Hmmm... can I get one too?

Self-medicate with ice cream and have a great big old ((((((HUG))))))).

You did a good job, Mom! She might be further away, but she's still your little girl, she still needs you. I promise.

[Lisa O]

I understand. Prayers coming your way.

[Debi]

You know what Cindy? Isn't it great that she CAN move out, that you are well enough that she doesn't feel like she HAS to stay? How cool is that????

THAT said, I know exactly how you feel! When my daughter left home I thought I would die, the LIGHT was gone from my home. I spent days crying. It's funny how our whole lives with our children is a continual process of letting go, but the act of doing that never gets any easier.

Anyway, no magic advice, just empathy. Oh, and you can always do what I did to get over the empty nest syndrome (your not alone, they even have a name for it!), have another child.

[cindi o'h]

Geez, Cindy.

I don't get it! My Mom couldn't wait for us to get out of the house. I got kicked out at 16. Others earlier than that. But, I would come back and bug her....see what's in the fridge you know...looking at nothing in particular with the door open a good 5 minutes before closing it...

Things are different now, I guess. Kids grow up later and seem more dependent on their parents. But, at 25, she is ready.

I would let the family know in words what you are feeling, if you can; even if it means disclosure of hurt and sadness. They know anyway. It would be good for everyone to see that you can communicate your feelings and emotions in words. Show some vulnerability. It is sometimes endearing. Moms hurt too. Sounds like you may need support from the rest of your family.

I am sorry you are hurting.

Cindi o'h

[Connie B]

Two pigs fell in the mud! HAHAHAHA!!!

Still not laughing??? Okay, I'll think of something else.

In the mean time, have yourself a GOOD CRY, I know I did for about 10 days, then all of a sudden, the flood waters stopped and everything was okay! My little girl still came home to poop! What more could a mother ask for!??!?!

I'm sure you did a good job of raising her. Now just sit back and watch. Your beautiful creation will just blossom my dear and you'll be so proud of her. Your just entering a new chapter my dear. It's not easy, but you really will be okay, and so will she.

((((((CINDY))))))))

Love & Hugs,

Con

[Snowflake]

Get in yer husband's truck, toss in a rope and a cattle prod. Go to her new place, tie her up with the rope and use the cattle prod on the boyfriend so he loads her in the truck, take her back home and duct tape her in a dining room chair until she promises to stay until YOU are ready for her to leave!

...and if you can't do that, hug the puppy, sit with the Kleenex close at hand and watch some sad old movie so when your tears are flowing, they think you're just flakey over some old romance than a very new rip in your heart.

...and Cindy, look at how much closer you are to being able to cook and eat breakfast totally nude with your husband again! (Uh, doesn't everybody without kids? LOL) Advice here is to not fry bacon...

Take care!

Becky

[Ann]

Cindy, after raising three sons, I can definitely relate to this one!!! when my oldest son packed up and went off to school, I thought I would absolutely die. He had been my touch stone and I didn't know what I would do without him! Although I still had two sons at home, I worried about him constantly but I always convinced myself that he was merely away at school and would be coming back home. Well, that didn't happen. After college, he got married and that was really a kicker, as I finally realized he was really gone. They moved to Nashville while he attended law school. The distance was really hard. I finally got used to the idea, just in time to have the other two grow up and leave. I had no idea what to do with my time. Cooking meals for two was a real trip, after cooking for three boys that ate like lumberjcaks! After they moved out, I would always have enough leftovers to feed the neighborhood. After a time, I learned to love the quiet. I loved having neat bedrooms and baths. I loved the lower electric bills, as now my washer and dryer didn't run 24 hours a day. My water bill was so much lower and there was actually enouth hot water for me to have a hot shower!!! Then, just as it was all getting comfortable, they started to move back in! Now, everyone has been back out for a while. Believe me...having them move out the second time is much easier.