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life after death?


shelliemacs

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well to say the least, I am exhausted. I came home today after being in the hospital 49 straight hours with mom. She has been in 8 days now. got there Tuesday night and she was in allot of pain. I was not sure if it was from the crap hospital bed, the pneumonia, the collapsed lung, or the cancer. Either way she cried, very hard. My heart was ripped out of my chest. So I went to the nurse told her the pain was a 10 and that she had to get the dr. to give her something strong. 10 minutes later the first of many morphine shots arrived. Mom was asleep with in 10 minutes. She kept waking up and asking what time it was. Then I got really freaked out.

She started talking to her twin sister....who died 4 years ago. Conversations, long ones. her eyes were closed the whole time and I sat there and listened. I was scared. I kept thinking that when my aunt died 4 years ago, the last words she said were "moms here" my gram died 5 years before that. So I thought great they are here for her and she is gonna die any minute. I left the room many times in the last 49 hours to bawl openly in the family room. Moms room is the last room before the hospice rooms and guess what every single hospice room was full. This cancer is an awful awful disease and no one is immune from it.

then they came and took my mom to surgery to try to put a stint in her esophagus to harden it against the tumor and put the feeding tube in. She said "Maureen will you sit on my shoulder the whole time" Maureen is her twin who passed away. again I bawled. this morning when our priest came in to again bless mom. he said to her, Maureen is looking out after you. mom simply patted her shoulder, like aunt mo was still sitting there.

so is there life after death? does this mean my aunt is here for my mom? is she gonna save her life? Is mom just hallucination from the morphine? I dont know. mom does, but she is semi consious so I guess I will never know.

Now some people were upset with me over my being so angry with god and saying I didn't believe anymore. I got hurt by the fact that people judged me, I fealt they did anyway. But when faced with such overwhelming bad news, cancer is back, pneumonia on left and right lung, then left lung collapsed, then stint could not get by tumor, then feeding tube was difficult cause mom is so thin now. and mom is in agony all the time. Put yourself in my shoes and watch your best friend suffer and see how angry you all get.

not that it matters, but I did make ammends with god and apologize to him and started praying again, but not because of what anyone here said, I just did it because my mom would have wanted me to.

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Shelly, I frequently get angry and sometimes at God. I see nothing wrong with letting Him know how you feel. He's a big guy -- He can take it. I think people were just expressing their own beliefs, which get very tested in the kind of journey we are all on. I was mad at God this past weekend, and I told Him so -- also, like a child, I didn't go to church because I didn't feel like it. I am over it now, because God and the many great people He has put in my life love me anyway. So please don't be hard on yourself for expressing how you feel -- that is healthy in my book.

Morphine does make one hallucinate. Lucie is on morphine and we give her enough to manage the pain, but not too much to put her out of her head -- that is very tricky.

Having said that, I do believe in a hereafter and I do think God uses angels to guide us -- some we knew and some we don't know. Hang in there, Shelly. You are not alone in your anger, and we need to work it out in our way so we can continue being productive and supportive to the loved one with cancer. We are enduring a lot, and it takes a lot of love and support and taking care of ourselves, with God's help, so we can endure. Best to you. Don

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Shelly

I don't think anyone was judging you, I think they were just trying to find words to comfort you and try and see another viewpoint. We all know how you are suffering right now. YOur poor mom is really going through hell and she does not deserve it. May God help you both. Yes I do believe in an afterlife, if there was no afterlife why would we have to go through all this on this earth! Shelly, there has got to be something better for all of us on the other side. I believe part of it is the morphine but not all. Will be praying for your mom and also for you to give you strength to get through this

Bess B

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Shelly,

I am so glad to see your post. I have been thinking of you a lot. I hope you don't feel you were judged. I think everyone is expressing how they get through the difficult times. I certainly believe there is life after death. I still have visions/dreams of my grandma who passed away almost 10 years ago. I think it is a comfort. I continue to pray for your mom. Please let me know if you ever need to talk. I am thinking of you and wishing you the best.

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Shelly,

I have been thinking about you and am so glad that you have returned. I definitely believe in an afterlife. Your mom was most likely being comforted by her twin sister. Please know that we have you in our prayers each and every day. Prayer makes a difference.

Blessings to you,

Peg

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Shelly,

I can se why you can get angry with god or anybody else. I understand the pain and suffering. My dad moans about his pain and we have to give him morphine. My dad has not been making sense fo rth epast few days. I think it can be the morphine. Is there life after death? I hope so!

rayroy25

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NO ONE judged you - or had any right to.

Whether we admit it or not...we all get angry with God. It is human to ask why? It is human to be angry when it seems like prayers go unanswered.

I have no answers. I am just so glad you are back. (((HUGS)))

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Shellie, when I read your post I thought of a hymm we sing at church and looked up the verses it comes from:

Isaiah 14 and following:

But Zion said, "The Lord has forsaken me; my Lord has forgotten me."

...................Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you. See upon the palms of my hands I have written your name..........

.....and those who hope in me shall never be disappointed.

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Shellie, I hope you didn't misunderstand my reply to your post. It is normal to get angry with God. I honestly don't think God minds; is probably used to it. I just feel so bad when someone is hurting so badly that they loose a sense of comfort when they think of God. I know people that never believed in God, and they're great people. They live honest, good lives and if there is a heaven, they'll get there-whether or not they believe.

I was not angry with you for saying you no longer believe, I just wanted to try to give you some clarity as to why you would make that decision. I, personally, don't believe that a person is good or bad based on their religious beliefs-religion is a very personal thing.

I believe that your aunt was there to comfort your mother. My Grandmother did the same thing before she died, I was about 12 and at her bedside while she went through the process. She talked to people that had passed, even her mother, who had died many years before.

I was a certified nurses assistant, and my nursing instructor was a hospice nurse. She was a very kind and soft spoken woman. Someone had asked her how she dealt with having to work with people that usually would die. Her answer made me view death and the process in a bit of a different way. SHe said that it was very comforting and even an honor to be with people that were going through the process. She said that, often times, the person will speak to and see loved ones that have passed before them, and that it was of a comfort to the person-and to their family.

I just wanted you to know that I wasn't judging you...to be honest, your post kind of worried me. I think you have alot to give, you are obviously a very caring person-you feel things very deeply. Your mom is very lucky to have such a caring daughter, you are lucky to have eachother. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, and that your mother has to go through this.

I understand your anger, when my dad was diagnosed I kept thinking-my children won't remember him-they adore him so much-but when he dies, they are too little and they won't remember him. That made me angry. Then when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, I thought, what the hell is going on!!! I know life isn't fair, but give me a freakin' break!! How are we going to get through this. Dad is sick, how will it affect his battle, and how will his battle affect hers! The night before my moms surgery, I called her on the phone in her hospital room-I knew we wouldn't have time to really talk before her surgery and I wanted to talk to her alone. We had a great talk. I realized that we've had it pretty good. I told her that I'm so lucky to have her and my dad for parents, and that if this is a part of the deal, I wouldn't change a thing.

Then then next day, I went into the pre surgery room with my mom. While we were waiting for her dr's to take her into surgery a mother and father came in with their 3 year old daughter and their newborn baby in a incubator-the infant was also going into surgery. It was very sad. The parents kissed the baby and the little sister said shed see her later. And I thought, well-if there is some cosmic reason that a choice must somehow be made between my wonderful mother and this innocent new human being- I can accept that. My Mom has had a great life, and this baby deserves a chance for the same. Somehow, the perspective became even clearer. As a mother myself, I couldn't imagine loosing a child-it is unbearable to even think about it. My mom made it through the surgery, and so did the baby.

I guess my point is, that I have to keep reminding myself that I've had it pretty good for 35 years-and for some reason that thought comforts me. Not that I never get angry, it just dosn't last too long, like it used to. I hope that you find some way to help you through. I am glad that you came back here. I hope that you continue to do so. I hope that I didn't offend you, or hurt your feelings. If I did, please forgive me, I tend to get a bit wordy (as you can see). Please take care, Shelly, and we are all here for you. You have been here for me and I would like to return the kindness. Deb

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Shelly,

Yes, i do believe there is a life hereafter. I do believe that when my dad was dying, and he was not on morphine, that he knew my mom was right there with him, waiting that night, to take him with her. the tears are coming again, i need to buy stock in kleenex. Thirty years ago seems just like yesterday....

so glad you are back. you have a big heart and it has a right to hurt right now, - - i know mine does to.....

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Shelly-

Gosh, I am so glad you posted I was SO worried. Yes morphine can make you hallucinate. So maybe she is hallucinating, but I have twin boys, and boy their connections are strong, so maybe your mom still has a connection with her twin sister, even after death? OHHHHH that would be so COOL!

I also know that no one was judging you, my friend. I think that we ALL get so upset seeing someone go through pain like your going through. Heck my friend, I was yelling at GOD in the front of the hospital, and I didn't care. I still don't. God knows where our hearts are sweetie. I am sure that we were just expressing our concern for you, and preaching, ya know what i mean.

You hang in there hon....we're all here, not judgin, just loving.

Rana

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Shelly,

Anger is so normal, as I've been reading from so many here that feel the same way. I've been feeling very angry myself lately. I've been feeling like my husband has been cheated, that I've been cheated of the life we were suppose to have, that God was ignoring my heartfelt and earnest pleas, ignoring me totally. I feel that he is cruelly letting Keith suffer because he doesn't care to help us. I try hard not to get angry with God, but it is natural to do so.

Yesterday, Keith was feeling so sick, and having so much pain that he was in a foul mood. Nothing I did was right, he nit-picked everything I was doing, and everything I wasn't doing. Nothing I couldn't handle and basically ignore, but the point was that he was just downright irratible with me. Today, he apologized profusely for being crabby with me because he said he was just taking out his aggression on me because he knew that our bond of love was strong enough that I would understand where his anger was coming from and know that it wasn't really at or for me, but anger in general. Usually we take out our feelings on those closest to us even though they don't deserve it. Keith has me to vent to, but who does that leave me with? GOD

That is how I think God feels when we are angry with him. He understands where it is coming from, and has a strong enough bond of love with us to let it pass and let us vent our aggression and empty our hearts and burdens onto him. He does not hold grudges or feel hurt at all by our anger at him because he knows our hearts and is there to take us into his arms for comfort when we are done and want forgiveness.

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Two thoughts...

#1 Yes, I am certain there is life after death and that God sends us His angels, or sometimes our loved ones to help us deal with the transition. My grandmother who unexpectedly (to us anyway as she had no major illnesses other than a tendency to fall and injure her hip) died in her sleep at the age of 76 but kept a log of her last night here on earth. She had times written down from early evening on and who she'd visited with or seen for a moment, then at 3:40 am she just wrote "Love to you all" and went home to God. My great aunt also had an experience when she was young. She saw some deceased relatives as well as someone she described to either be a saint or an angel, but she was told it wasn't her time yet. She was very close to death but when she came out, she relayed that to the family when she was strong enough to communicate. That was back in the 1940s and she is in her late 80s now!

#2 Thank God He is our "heavenly father...or mother if you prefer" because we all know that a loving parent will take a child in their arms and love them just as much if not more even after the anger storms. I think there are many of us that He will expect these anger storms from as He knows us better than anyone. That whole unconditional parent love is about as close as we come to being able to love like God does. As we forgive and love ours to the nth degree, He forgives and loves us just the same. :)

You and your mom are in my prayers!

Karen

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Shellly..I have gotten angry at this darn disease and situation so much that I have lost count....you have a right to be angry and vent...I always wonder how God could bring this into our lives right now and how much pain can he give one family at one time. I just figure God understands my anger and loves me in spite of it...I am so glad you are back. You are terrific and you go right ahead and be whatever you need to be and when you need to be it...this is one rotten trip and we are all here without a map...I think you aunt came to comfort your Mom and there is definitely an afterlife. I want you to know that I respect you and your feelings, as well as any emotion you need to express...you take care and may God bless your Mom and you with peace...

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