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"I really feel like I am dying. It's happening, I can t


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I have heard that statement 3 times today from my husband.

Showing decreased alertness, response time to questions can be up to 5 sec while he gets the breath together to say half a word or two and I play "guess the rest".

Been having lots of wonderful pillow talk. What he wants for me, where I should be stronger... more confident of myself.

Told me he wants to renew our vows if a priest will come to the house.

Asked me what he could get me as a "farewell" gift.

He wants me to write him a letter about our time together. About all of the good and bad. There was enough bad that we were apart for 16 months, divorced and remarried Apr 02 of this year.

He married me twice. Only beginning to realize my good fortune in having this man in my life. We started talking during our divorce and ended up him moving from out-of-state back here with me only 12 days after our divorce was final.

He has been angry and I have been burnout and frustrated for this last week or so, not been able to stop crying.

Yesterday was another death anniversary for me. 7 years ago, my then 30 yr old boyfriend died in his sleep as the result of obstructive sleep apnea, something I had begged him to be treated for. Just two weeks prior, he had come to visit me to propose to me. I told him no, for reasons I gave before. I was trying to help him believe in himself more... have always sort of thought he died of a broken heart. We were together for over 6 years.

Now that the anniversary of my Michael 7 yrs ago has started to fade, and my huband seems to be calmer since I have stopped crying. He did tell me that I am going to give myself a heart attack the way I am right now and he is scared *for* me.

So, the anger is gone, we have gotten along well today, took him out with the dog for a ride this morning in the bright sun.

He has been sleeping pretty much since then. Awakes for pain, and not much more..

I think he will slip into a uremic coma very soon... or whatever. For once... the science has left my mind and I struggle to be with him and talk to him just to absorb all that will be otherwise lost, forgotten about him.

I am losing my mentor. I am losing my best coach and supporter. I am losing the mind that makes mine think *harder* about things. I am losing my debate partner.

Said he knows he is going to hell, as well. Won't see a chaplain. Spirituality to him has always been more of a zen-like ideal, and I have never heard him reference neither Heaven or hell until today.

A most dear friend made a 2 day trip to come and see me now. It has helped tremendously. I feel sane now rather than just freaked out.

Now things are sobering. It's going to happen, and I have no idea, but I do have to deal with his mother tomorrow. It's a contest of who is being hurt the most to her.... not so much about losing a man as wonderful as her son.

To MY mother: thank you for being so wonderful. Teaching me what love really means. I realize now how lucky I was growing up.

Sort of numb at the moment. My angel beckons me to sleep. I am going to miss his doing that even...

I am OK... I just want to hold him like a baby and rock him and make him not afraid.

Just deeply introspective.

Thanks for listening.

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Lady.

It is in the wee hours of the morning these profound words of yours come to me.

I sit here with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. What you are going through is so huge.

I wish there were some way that I could give you comfort. Someway that I could comfort your husband.

Feeling relieved that you feel relieved having a good friend to give you respite.

Thank you so much again for sharing the intimacies of the exerience that is hallow.

Cindi o'h

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Prayers, dear.

Reassure him that heaven is for him, too.

None of us has to earn it. We can't. It is a gift and it is given to him!!

Maybe you CAN get a religious person into your home per his mention or renewing vows...........and he can be comforted on all fronts...........

I pray so.

Blessings.

Pat and Brian

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Having walked in your shoes almost three years ago, I know exactly the feelings you are experiencing right now. Some of your words made my tears flow! There is nothing any one of us can say that will ease your pain right now. I know that it's really hard to believe this is actually happening to you...and to the love of your life. Your post sounds as if he has accepted the fact that life is slipping from him and he has some issues to solve and things to accomplish while he is able. You must see to it that his wishes are met right now, regardless of how you feel about them. If you don't see that these things happen, you will definitely regret it when you are trying to heal. Love him, hold him, cherish him. Tell him everything you want him to know and don't hold back. When he sleeps, look at him and memorize every feature of his face. Talk to him about the good times and keep those memories in your heart. Do you have Hospice with you? If not, please consider getting their help. They are a great group of wonderful people that will offer you a great amount of support and information. Their presence really does make things a bit easier. I know it's hard to believe that anything or anybody could possibly make things easier...but they can help!

My husband had the same type of cancer as your husband. My husband had just turned 49 at diagnosis. Please remember that I am here for you, along with many others. This is definitely a road no one should travel on alone! I'm saying prayers through teary eyes.

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I was deeply moved by your words, and your open-ness, and the pain that came through so loud and clear. I'm so sorry that you are in the midst of such a painful situation. I wish you strength to get through it....you will be ok. Lean on us here, please...........many have words of encouragement that will help pull us through. You are in my thoughts today....and you'll be in my prayers too.

Warm Hugs,

Melinda

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Praying so much for you. The pain in your words is so evident. We're with you now and will be throughout.

I agree--if he is worried about after-life issues, see if there isn't someone who can ease his mind so that isn't unfinished business.

Hold him, be with him, and soak in every single moment with him. And know that we're holding you in love and care.

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I don't think the words exist to describe to you how I felt after reading your words. You touched my heart with your profound sadness. I only wish that I could make the pain go away. I can only wish for you what I would want for myself and that would be for God to be with you and give you the strength you need to carry you through this.

Love and Prayers,

Sue

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I wish that there was something magical I could say or do to help you out. I will certainly pray for strength for both you and your husband.

I would also encourage you to keep writing, whether you share it with us or not. Sometimes just getting the feelings down on paper can help. Obviously writing is a strength for you, so keep it up!

Good luck to you.

:) Kelly

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:( I can so relate to you. I am a R.N. also, and it killed me inside to have my husband be the "dying" patient. It rips a hole in your heart--no one can heal. You watch daily as things slowly stop functioning and he is slipping away..... I pray for you and him both. My heart is so heavy for you. You have a wonderful way with words--esp so darn early in the morning!!! :wink:

I don't have the words, or wisdom to guide you. I can tell you I think I know how you feel--because I have gone thru this. But each of us handles things differently. Kiss him,love him and tell him God is forgiving and he's going to heaven. I am crying right now for your pain, his pain and the pain all the cancer patients and families have to suffer. This is not fair--bless you dear wonderful lady. God bless,Nancy C

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Bless you and your husband !!!!! Heaven is only a prayer away. Get that chaplain in there and renew your vows and let him talk to you two about how to get to heaven. My heart aches hearing your story. He is so lucky to have you by his side as I know you are lucky to have him. I will be praying for you both.

Jamie

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there's nothing I can add of any value. you're 'humaness' in all of this is what moves me most, and I can tell from the posts above that you've expressed a truth here. I honor your openess, and prayer for peace of mind for both of you, however it comes.

xoxo

bunny

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I've thought about this post for an entire day.

There just aren't any words.

I just want you to know that I keep you both in my prayers and thoughts and wish for peace and comfort for you both.

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Thank you, from the deepest part of my soul. Each and everyone who has responded here has made me feel truly embraced.

Pat: thank you for the most elegant solution to cover 2 things at once: call the chaplain, have him do the renewal of vows and then just have him stay for coffee afterward and I could slip out of the room and they can talk about the spiritual aspects. Hoping for Mon or Tues.

Pain is agonizing. Tears rolling down his cheeks at times. He been very conservative in his agreeing to go up on the pain meds because he wants to stay alert.

Well, dinner with my husband's mother. Two days prior to her coming here, he asked her to make 2 of his favorite dishes.

She showed up with nothing in hand, no apology... second time it has happened in the last 6 weeks. How can you deny your own child the food he is craving as he fights such a grizzly and tenacious disease??

Started talking to him about his "service" after he is cremated. This woman started the convo re: his memorial service. And she asked for more of the items in this house.

She did not even wait for me to finish my meal before the old 'well, I hate to have to eat and run but...'

Today she asked him on the phone for my wedding band back. She *gave* it to me when we got married. It belonged to his great-grandmother. Just *how* much does she think she is going to "take over" about his belongings.

I am soo soo sick of seeing ppl circling like vultures. It makes me literally nauseous. Repulsive, indignant.

He is on considerably more morphine. The throat pain/pressure from the tumor continues to be of issue.

More to share... but have to run just now.

My deepest gratitude to all of you. Thank you for the prayers and support.

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Wow...are you sure your husband and my Dennis aren't brothers? This sounds like some of the episodes I went through when he was ill. How can mothers be so insensitive? I used to ask my in-laws just to sit with Dennis for a few minutes do I could go to the grocery and I would get turned down every time. Excuse often was they were afraid something would happen while I was gone. My best advice to you is to just keep focused on caring for and loving your DH. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job! Sorry to hear DH is in so much pain. I know how he wants to keep a clear head but please, encourage him to take the pain meds. Dennis would also cry. Knowing his pain tolerance lever, the pain must have been more that I could ever imagine. I talked to Dennis's doctor about the pain meds making him "fuzzy" and he said by all means not to let him suffer without the meds. So glad you got a chance to post. I have been keeping the two of you in my thoughts and prayers!

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I am so touched by the depth of your words and wish there was a way to help. I am also a nurse, sometimes it is so difficult having spent years taking care of patients and having your husband so ill and unable to change that. My thoughts and prayers are with you both

NancyT

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