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"I really feel like I am dying. It's happening, I can t


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Again, thank you all.

Sorry that last post was less that smooth, I was just so upset and tired.

I just found something I wrote earlier this week. It was written when I was having a crying fit after having dealt with him being difficult and my impatience. Just thought I would share.

Another go round...

Every time my instincts tell me that it's over... he gets better.

Every day the fabric of his face becomes more of a shrink-wrap on his skull.

Every time in his life that things have gone wrong... he bounces back. We have been through alcoholism, suicidal ideation, 5 hospitalizations for mania.... every time a doctor gave up on him... he made it.

Resilience is an understatement.

I have been at his side living this with him for 3 months now. The windows are all covered bc the light hurts his eyes... air conditioner is the only sign I have that it is summer.

I cannot express the anguish. I cannot explain the torment. He is lucid and completely alert. His tumor is growing up to his throat... and audible sound every time he swallows is a harsh reminder of that.

The amount of time he is awake decreases every day, so I sit and watch him sleep and watch this monster as it whittles away at my husband. Voracious and vicious.. it is insatiable.

My husband has found a formidable enemy.... one he has stared at... and this time he was the first to blink.

Just over a year ago we were discussing where to move, what we wanted as a couple. Our long talks about politics, ... the sad state of the world, the environment.... have gone from hours of pillow talk on lazy Sundays to breathy half-whispers of numbers to rank his pain.

The music has faded... the once nimble fingers that strummed a banjo with such impeccable precision lie wasting on the bed. The velvet voice that sang... has been silenced.

I am alone

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There's nothing I can say to make it better. I haven't been in your shoes with a spouse. I can only imagine that the pain would be debilitating and the fear of that aloneness enough to make me want to stop breathing...

If it helps with the aloneness any, know that we are here hurting with you and crying for you. Know that we care.

I'm sorry you have to be here, and sorry that such a vibrant, resilient spirit is slipping away.

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I think I can imagine what you're going through but then I realise I can only guess. I offer you all my strength and caring thoughts - wish I had something more to offer.

As disgusted as I am with your MIL's callousness, I am equally relieved that your husband has you there with him - I'm sure he gave up on his mom a long time ago, but he honestly feels you are his closest ally on this earth. She is not entitled to your wedding ring - that was a gift she gave to him and he, in turn, gave to you. Frankly, it sounds like the farther away she stays, the better for both you and your husband.

You are giving him the greatest gift a person can give another - love and respect when it matters most. You may not be able to remove the pain from his body, but it sounds like your loves removes the pain of his life from his mind and heart.

We are always here to listen.

Leslie

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I don't know what I could possibly say to comfort you. There are no words that can at this time.

Your story has touched my heart and it aches for you. I being a caregiver can relate to your feelings as my spouce is my life, and I cannot ever imagine him not being here.

I pray for him for peace and to go quiety without pain.

He will be leaving that sick body behind, but that wonderful soul that is your mate will always live on in your heart. Those memories will keep him alive and one day your souls will be reunited and that will be everlasting.

Prayers sent out to you both.

I am so sorry for all this pain.

Maryanne

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You write very beautifully about you and your husband as your husband approaches his death. From what you say of your husband, he does not strike me as the type who is hell bound. Anyway, I prefer to believe what St Francis of Assisi said. “All souls will be saved”.

I know when I die that I would want to be conscious and alert of everything. I guess that is what your husband is trying to do. If he can handle it, more power to him. I hope I can do it too.

I hope you find a way to give your husband some peace. Calling the chaplain in is a good idea.

My wife and I have been legally separated for 4 years. We never divorced. My cancer brought us closer together. We are talking about me moving back in with her. Your husband is blessed to have you there for him. Hang in there and keep writing.

I am not a churched person, but I believe in the power of prayer. I pray that you and your husband will be blessed in your final time together and that your husband’s pain will abate and that he will have a peaceful death.

Don M

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I will keep you in my prayers that you have the stregnth to deal with whatever God has in store during these next few weeks and months. It's ashamed you also must deal with such a calloused mother-in-law at a time when help and support could be such a blessing. But you are his support, you are who he obviously wants and desires to have by his side. He knows he can depend on you, he knows you not only care about here and now, but where he spends eternity. That alone speaks volumes of your love.

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I've thought of you all weekend and hope you are alright. Your posts brought me back to the time my dad was so ill and he slowly deteriorated before my eyes..sometimes, in a matter of minutes. One thing though, my time with him at the end of his journey is something I will treasure forever. I am a nurse also although not working in patient care and there were times that I truly understood the statement *ignorance is bliss*

Your love is such a wonderful gift for your husband.

God bless you both..as for your MIL, she can take a hike. I will gladly tell her, if you want me too!!!!

Gentle hugs and many prayers

Libby

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