SC7454 Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 Wow, nothing really prepares you for this...My mom is saying the most hurtful things and saying she just wants everyone to leave her alone. She's bringing up stuff from years ago that we said to each other and just being so mean. How do you deal? I thought I was a really strong person, but when someone you love is just ripping into you and then seems pleased when you are bawling your head off...it's hard to hold it together. Anyway, does anyone have any helpful hints for how to deal or cope without feeling like a piece of doo doo (sorry to say it that way, but that's what it's like). I wish there was a guideline that would say, 'this stage lasts X amount of days.' Geezz...!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 People do crazy things when they have cancer or have a loved one with cancer. And it is unpredictable what any response will be. Katie has given you some excellent advice. Hang in there. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 We add prayers. Katie, you are wise way way way beyong your years. Pat and Brian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 One suggestion: If it's abusive and mean, don't put up with it. Have a "Come to Jesus" meeting with her and be upfront in how you feel, etc., and tell her she has every right to be mad, but NOT every right to beat up the people that love her and are there for her. The job description is CAREGIVER, not PUNCHING BAG. Call her on it, it's unacceptable. If she can't behave, limit your visits to a length of time YOU can handle and be able to blow off the nasties (basically, leave before she gets all wound up). Good luck to you. A quick PS: If it is TOTALLY out of character for her, there may be something going on in her head - and it doesn't necessarily need to be the big "C" up there to cause her personality to change, there are "benign" critters that grow up there, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 Hi SC, I see she was just diagnoised on the 17th. And when I read her profile, she has been through so much in such a short time and she has been through so many tests. Now they put a port and Chemo, its is so overwheming. Too much for being newly diagnoised and scared she is going to die. I imagine this is so new and unexpected to her that she just cannot cope and doesn't want the pity stuff. Did she also give up smoking? If so that certainly would add to her anger and lashing out. Just give it time, that's all I can tell you. When she lashes out, ask her if there was something you did to upset her? Once she gets used to her diagnoises and starts treatment, hopefully she should come around. I am sorry you have to go through this. You want to help and you feel like you are being pushed away. Its your mom and has to be so hurtful and frustrating. Iam really sorry you are going through this. Hang in there and see how things go. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leslie221 Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 I have nothing to add to the good counsel already given. I just want to tell you I'm so sorry you're on the recieving end of behavior that hurts. Hang in there. Leslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 you're already gotten some great feedback. I just wanted to add myself to your list of supporters - it's dreadful, but in all liklihood it will pass. do stand up for yourself, with love of course. it really is the best thing for both of you. I believe anger hurts the holder as much as the receiver. xoxo bunny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gerbil runner Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 Definitely, if she's just quit smoking, major outbursts may occur. My mother went through them for 9 months after she quit smoking the first time in the 80's. She knew she was unreasonable, but could do nothing about it. It's why she started smoking again. Whether it's the smoking or just cancer-induced, depression often expresses itself as anger. Suggest she talk to her doctor - perhaps an anti-depressant could help. In the meantime, duck and cover. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larry Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 Really not sure if my thought's on this are correct or not but when some people get hurt or sick they lash out at everyone including god. I think with people like that it's like the old saying of dragging people down to there level. Since she's hurting she want's to see other's hurting..Really sorry your going through this as my wife's baby brother became the same way year's ago when he was suffering from cancer, he used to tell his mother EAT S..T and die regurlarly..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DebsSky Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 My Mom gets the same way at times. You just have to get "thicker skin" and have other people spend time with her, such as other siblings, relatives etc. That's what I did when she was like that, or if it got bad when I was there, I'd just go for a walk. Sorry you're having to deal with this as well as the cancer. Hang in there. Prayers for you and your Mom, Deb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDianneB Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 What Snowflake said. My 92 year old mother does that now and then, and doesn't have cancer. She has a few medical problems, but thinks she sees the end of her life coming. She's been mad at the world ever since my dad died and that was 30 years ago. Mortality isn't easy for some people to accept, and combine that with the drugs, the emotions, and no telling what other kinds of stress, it has to change a person in some way. My bet is that she's going through the same stages of dealing with her illness as people go through the stages of death -- from the anger, denial, etc., all the way to acceptance. They say it's important to go through all the steps, but not get stuck in one too long. I do hope she improves and that you all have a more peaceful and loving time of it soon. Di Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 What great advice you have gotten from this post. My experience as a caregiver taught me a lot about being tough. Cancer patients need someone to cast all of their hurt, anger and frustration on and if you're there with her a lot, you're the one. She knows you love her and also knows that you understand and will forgive her. As Katie said, she may be trying to make this all emotionally easier by trying to distance herself from you. Just hang tough, let her know how this is hurting you but don't take too much before talking to her about how you feel! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dani hobbs Posted September 3, 2005 Share Posted September 3, 2005 First, let me say that I lost my sister to extensive SCLC with liver met. in February 2005, and that I return to this board to see how thefriends I made (those with lc and their loved ones are doing) and to receive emotional support. With regard to your mom, I am a retired social worker so I know that anger is a symptom of clinical depression--which may or may not have existed before her diagnosis, and certainly was exacerbated by it. The SSRI-type antidepressants may help her--they don't make people feel like life is wonderful, but they do make the life they are living more tolerable, for them, and those around them, and they do not "dope" the person up---you might want to ask her doctor about that. Also, human behavior is extremely unpredictable, especially when such a frightening unknown as impending or possible end of life issues are at the forefront. Even as a former "professional", I reacted much differently than I ever thought I would to my sister's illness, and awful prognosis, than I ever thought I would---and so did she, and our entire family. Finally, anger sometimes helps people--my mother was a very angry, bitter person---yet, even though she had numerous life-threatening health problems, she lived into extreme old age, far exceeding in age, any of her family members, and I am thoroughly convinced that part of it was she was just too mean & angry to die. I truly wish peace and resolution, to you and your mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma's kid Posted September 3, 2005 Share Posted September 3, 2005 Everyone has given you excellent advice...just wanted to let you know to hang in there and hope this behavior passes quickly. We've noticed that my mom is beginning to get *testy* at times and very needy. There are so many stages they go through and as family members, care givers it's a lot to deal with...it's like everyone affected doesn't know what is coming next! Gentle hugs, Libby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessigriff Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 My mother was diagnosed with sclc in April of 2004. Just this past March she was diagnosed with Brain mets. She has 3 tumors that affect her mood, vision, and motor skills. She has become sooooo nasty to everyone. It is so hard to deal with your mom dying and to boot have this woman you love so much and who loves you so much be so angry. She just comes out of no where and knocks you down emotionally. My mom was always like my bestfriend but, now I can hardly stand to be around her because she is so hateful. It is really hard but her Dr. has told us that anything that she says now is not her it is her tumors. With that in mind it doesn't make it any easier but at least helps me get over it a little. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 You might want to contact her doctor and ask if she is receiving Decatron with her chemo. Decatron is a steriod that helps with nausea and it gives you a hunger in your belly to eat. What they dont tell you is that it makes some people very very angry and short tempered. Its kinda like road rage. You just blow up. I had all of this because of decatron and it is terrible. Talk to the doctor first and if she is on this, he will back off the amount or can give her something to balance this out. Hope it helps. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kel M Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 You have received some great feedback from fellow posters already. I agree with the others that your Mom may be having a difficult time coping and may be feeling so overwhelmed that she is lashing out. With time and your understanding this will likely dissipate. She may also be having a reaction to new medications. When my Mom was first diagnosed they immediately put her on multiple medications - with mixed results. The meds helped alleviate certain symptoms while causing other problems. I could tell you a story about how a clogged dishwasher turned into a massive conspiracy to kill the dishwasher (which was not funny at the time - but is quite hysterical now). When this and other episodes were over, she would have no recollection of the event but was clearly traumatized that she had hurt us. A quick trip to the Doctor helped to sort things through for us - the meds were causing bad interactions. I hope that things even out for your Mom and you, soon. Kel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dchurchi Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 I went through some of the same thing with my husband Alan. He spent alot of time in the hospital and everytime he was there it was because "I didn't want to deal with him anymore!!!" It was all my fault he was in the hospital and I was not doing enough to get him out. I too cried many many tears, but at the same time I knew the man blaming me for everything was not my "husband". Someone mentioned Decadron. Alan was on this steriod and had severe side effects one being he literally lost his mind and was in an organic psycosis. Not sure your mom is on it, but something to look into. Please try and stay strong, I know this is easier said then done, but it will pass. Remember to take care of yourself and do not let yourself be a punching bag. regardless of the situation it is not acceptable Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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