It is sooooooooooooo hard without Mum

[Jana_W]

Hi everyone

I haven't really been around much since Mum died on the 4th August. I just started checking in this last week to see how everyone is doing, and am only just working my way through the list I need to read.

It is so hard to try to live a happy life without Mum in it. I have been having so many mixed emotions etc. It seems that what I mostly think of at the moment is Mum's cancer. I think about how she must have felt in those last few weeks and months when she truly must have realised her disease was progressing and things weren't looking great. The thing is, Mum just NEVER gave up hope that there was something out there that could possibly help her, and neither did we. I have been beating myself up black and blue at times wondering why I didn't insist she try Essiac Tea which we'd talked about and wondering if I could have found something that might have done the trick. I know that Dad did exhaustive research into all of this and Mum used alot of complementary and alternative therapies as well as mainstream treatments, so intellectually I do realise that this is not the case. It just all hurts so much. I hurt so much inside at the moment when I think about how Mama must have felt and it's so unfair that someone so wonderful and beautiful had to be put through that. I can't even understand the fact that I won't see Mum ever again. My family is not religious at all, so I do not have any vague thought of meeting up with Mum again one day. My baby is due to be born in just over two weeks, and how I wish Mum was still here with us for that. I have a CD of Mum playing the piano (she was a very very talented pianist) so I thought I would play that for the baby after he/she is born (if I am able to do it emotionally) and that might make me feel more like Mum is with us somehow.

Anyway, so much more I could go on about but I won't for now. Karen (my sister) is in much the same place as me I think. She had her birthday just last weekend, and it was her first birthday without Mum which was pretty awful for her. It is lucky we are very close as we struggle through this together.

I can't even begin to describe or imagine how this must be for Dad. We try to help him as much as we can, but we are so limited in that the only thing that can make him better is for Mum to still be here.

Sorry this is such a miserable post.

Love

Jana

xxxx

[Kel M]

Jana -

My heart goes out to you and your family. This is a terrible time for you and you are coping as well as can be expected given the circumstances.

Communicating the feelings you have is vitally important. So, don't feel bad about a miserable post! I've been writing some very dark stuff myself (mostly in a journal I started) and I happen to find it cathartic. I hope you do too and that it helps you in your journey of recovery.

Kel

[Jyoung20]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know thinkgs must be terribly hard for you right now. My prayers are with you.

Love,

Jamie

[cindi o'h]

hi Jana...

listen. I hear your pain. It is so sad to lose a good mother. You girls were so lucky to have her for your mum. If willing a person to live were possible, you willed two extra years onto her life! You girls were the best! Who could possibly ask for daughters to love anymore than you did your precious mum?

And as far as the religious thing is concerned. I am not terribly religious myself. But, let me tell you, I do believe in love. To me that is the highest and mightiest form of spirituality. So, don't cut yourself short! If you love and accept love, then you will see your mother again. I believe this for you!

love, Cindi o'h

[mamasbabygirl]

Oh Jana. My heart is aching for you. I do not want to even imagine what you are feeling. I do know for sure with all my heart that you and Karen were loving daughters to your mom and that your dad is very lucky to have you there with him through this. I will say a prayer for all of you that you can find some peace. I do believe in God and this was certainly his plan. One day we will all see and know his reasons. In the meantime, it is OK to feel the pain. She was your mom and although things will not be the same, you will eventually find a new normal. Baby steps honey..maybe you could plant a tree in her memory. I did that for my hubby Chad and it was my first step toward healing. I wish you peace and patience, this will take some time.

[Don Wood]

It is hard to lose a parent, no matter what age. Give it time. You have the mutual support of your family, and you have this extended family. You don't have to be alone. Don

[stand4hope]

Dear Jana,

I can relate to your post. My Don was the same way. He just knew he was going to beat back the cancer for a long time and fully intended to hold out until they found something else to beat it back some more.

Also, relating to your Mum's piano music a little, Don left me a voice mail message when he was in the hospital. We use SBC voice mail, and I plan to save it every two weeks or so, so I can always hear and remember what his voice sounds like, much like you can listen to the piano music and see and visualize your Mum playing it.

I'm sending all my love to you and Karen and all your family.

Love,

Peggy

[Leslie221]

(((Jana)))

It's just a hurt like no other, isn't it? I'm so sorry it's your turn to feel it. There's just no way around it; grief is something you have to work through.

You also have to make sense of combining the joy and excitement of a new baby coming with the misery and depletion that comes with losing a mum. Seems impossible to give due attention to both. A true roller coaster.

That CD of your mum playing piano is the most beautiful treasure. I can only look at old letters from my mom and try to imagine the sound of her voice. You can shut your eyes and listen to that CD and have your mum's presence whenever you need. And your child and grandchildren and all future generations will experience the beauty your mum shared through her music. THAT'S immortality as far as I can reckon. Whatever a soul may be, it is in a musician's music and an artist's art.

Yes, play that CD when your child is born and often ever after.

You're in my thoughts,

Leslie

[LynneH]

Jana,

It's such a hard time for you, your sister and your Dad. You know, I know that I loved Jim with all my heart and helped him fight this terrible disease to the best of my ability. But, I still have those moments, totally out of the blue, where I start thinking about all the things I didn't do for him, or should have researched further, etc. I don't know if we will ever be completely rid of those moments.

I am thrilled that you have the CD!!!! I spent last Friday night with a girlfriend that lost her brother to Lung cancer at age 46, in 1996. She played a video tape that her son had taken during the family's last Christmas together. She cried but she was reliving such wonderful memories at the same time. Cherish that CD and try to think of all of her wonderfullness as you listen to it. She would like that.

Take care,

Lynne

[bunny]

Jana, I just can't imagine how painful this is for you. the CD is such a beautiful gift, and the baby will be one, as well. I am not a religious person, but I believe in a loving force out there in the universe that, above all, wants me to be happy. so if it makes me happy to believe that, were something to happen to my mom, I would see her again, then that's what'll happen. I don't know if you find that comforting (or just weird ) but it has helped me.

and I am with cindi - love is real.

there aren't any wise words I can give you, just know that my heart breaks for you.

xoxo

amie