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Post to our Standforhope Peggy...


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Hi Peggy,

I just wanted to post this to a reply you gave to Beth, it was a great reply, however it seem to indicate that maybe you were 2nd guessing yourself, as to respect Don's wishes or tell the doc. That is so hard to do. I could see the dilemma you are feeling, but....

I believe that it was just Don's time, period. You could not have changed the outcome because that is how it was suppose to be.

So Peggy, put that out of your head as first and foremost, of it is not your fault. Try and focus on, something else, maybe the addition. You have those special memories, don't mess it up with those other thoughts.

Also and more importantly, Don loves you so much for respecting his wishes, Because that is what he wanted and Don would not went you to be thinking, maybe you could have changed that. You did right, I would do the same thing without hesitation.

You are such a brave lady. I know losing Don is losing half yourself. The side where your heart is. But in time you will start to regain more, but never complete. But almost. Better than now.

Take care sweet lady, you and Mike are often in my thoughts.


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Dear Maryanne,

Thank you for thinking of me. I'm not having a problem with 2nd guessing or anything like that. I think I explained in my post that I while I wish I would have told the onc about the breathing problem, I know it wouldn't have changed anything.

The 3rd Alimta was given on a Friday and the following Tuesday is when they admitted him to the hospital for tests to determine the cause of the breathing problem. Even then, the Alimta was not the suspected problem - the onc thought it was from the pericardial effusion. When the echo cardiogram came back that the effusion was even a little smaller, the onc was going to release Don because Don seemed ok, and Don said he was ok. Don wasn't ok and I knew it, and I insisted they go ahead and at least do the CT scan. Even that day, his breathing got worse before the scan and the results. The results of course showed the alveoli damage and from there, it just got worse.

Since the reaction to the chemo was so rare, it wasn't even considered a cause until after the CT scan, so nothing I would have said that Friday before would have made any difference. I only told Beth that because I think in many other situations, when dealing with a difficult patient, telling what you know COULD make a difference. I think everyone has to make their own decisions on this depending on their relationship. Like our dear Fay A. and others have said, the patient is the one that should have the final say in their treatment. Even if I had said anything, my wonderful husband would have insisted they give him that chemo to try to kill the cancer. He was willing to gamble to try to win.

Again, thank you for thinking of me and thank you also Pammie and Jane for your sweet notes to me.

I love you all,


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I certainly understand what you're saying. The patient does have the final say so. The morning Mike died, as I was leaving for work,I told him he had to keep his oxygen on. He shook his head and said no. When I go over, and over again, that morning---there is nothing more I could have done. :cry: It was beyond my control. I just never dreamed he would have died that day. He must of knew it was coming, as before he died he asked his son to hold his hand. I so wish I could have been there with him. :cry: But, it was out of my control. It's over, done and I have to except this is the way it is.We do all we can, fight for them like crazy. But, in the end--it is God's final say. God bless, Nancy C

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For this small group of surviving spouses here, it stinks. But what keeps us going? For me, I say to myself, it is what it is and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do to change it.

We can not go back and rethink every decision we made or didn't make. That is torture. The old saying, that hindsight is always 20/20 is so true.

We survivors did not walk in our loved ones shoes. We can not understand their decisions. We should not beat ourselves up because we did everything based on love. Let us remember that.

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I've been saying Ginny's exact phrase lately, "it is what it is". Don't know that I am very accepting of it yet, but I'm working on it. Just when I think I've moved past the guilt of "what ifs", I break into giant sobs in the shower thinking of something that I should have told him that last week that he probably wanted to know but just couldn't verbalize......etc, etc...I realize afterwards that it was a passing moment.

I know that every one of us in this small group loved our husbands with all of our hearts and we really did take good care of them and they knew they were so loved. Someone told me recently that "I was lucky". Sometimes we don't feel so lucky, do we? But, in some ways, we really are. After all, it wouldn't hurt so bad if it hadn't been so good.

Okay, boots on, one more day to tackle.


(Peggy, happy to see you posting.)

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I guess the questioning of yourself with the what if's is a normal part of grieving. I have been also very guilty of this since Fred passed away.

I replay everything over in my head, and always come to the conclusion I should have been more insistant for a better answer about my questions with things that seemed wrong that day. :x Also I think did he have too much, too much chemo too much radiation. Is there a point where there is just too much. Would nothing more have been better? I know it was all in Gods hands from the start but I always have those demons in my head :oops: I know it will get easier as time goes by, or so they say.


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