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DeanCarl's "Wishes" via Gay


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Dear Family, Dean left a bit sooner than expected; I am posting his "wish" as there is no formal Memorial Serivce; his ashes will be at Ft. Rosecrans in a few weeks - with a bay side view of the ocean( a friend may be giving Dean's ashes and me a final motorcycle ride as Dean was a "Biker", too).

I'm having one on one Individual Memorials in our home; remembering Dean from their perpective -how Dean touched their life = very healing for me; as we were a very private couple and Dean said: "Memorials are for the living" and I told him my plans for Memorials - have had 2 imprompto Memorials thus far and during the one with my Therapist (who became Dean's/my Therapist after "the fire" and he had wanted her here to help him "go"; she is one kool lady - happened to answer her office phone line, just after Dean passed) offered up the planting of a tree in our garden; in remembrance of Dean. I know Cancer is at a great financial cost as well as physical and emotional cost/termoil, too. (we were blessed to have some VA benefits and a more than wonderful VA MD who startd Hospice a year and 1/2 ago). I can only suggest donating in DeanCarl's name to lchelp to keep this wonderful healing place afloat. It was Dean's "lifeline"; and he was so grateful to give and recieve so much from lchelp. Here's "Dean's wish" (for such a simple/complex man:

"Go to your favorite chair, restaurant, park or

wherever you are most comfortable; with a beverage

of your choice; and raise a Toast:

"To a life well lived".

Dean truly lived life with great passion; through whichever/whatever endeavors; his music, artwork or the newest "interests/projects" at the time and was always willing to lend an ear on lchelp. Dean lived life with Cancer: One day at a Time.

Dean also believed in the following statement:

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming - WOW - WHAT A RIDE!!!

Please Celebrate Dean's "Ride".......

And - Whoa what a "ride" I've been on for 7 days -I've been catapultued into a very busy life; trying to roll with the punches - One day at a time.

It's been one week since my best friend and partner in life, of 21 years, DeanCarl crossed over to the Rainbow Bridge - greeting beloved friends from this board, along with his parents and with his Beagle puppie, Duke and my/our Belle Michelle cat.

Dean's departure was much sooner than predicted (He did warn me that this wicked disease could take any and all twists and turns) - I had a "2 minute warning" that he was "going to go" - (we thought we had a 2+ week "plan") as he had just been put on Continuous Care at 4pm on Sept 6th and another relief Nurse was to come at Midnight to 8am; so I could get some rest. After a private phone call to my "been there friend", who has given great loving support in my understanding the process of Cancer along with other interests we have in common; I checked in on Dean; he had just had a bed bath and had been groaning a bit. I crawled into the hospital bed and told Dean that I'd update his daughter, next - but; Dean was very drugged and was "trying" to speak to me...no real "words"; but I understood that he had was done on this earth; I spoke to him calmly as I could and kissed him and stroked his head - hope that eased his brain. The Nurse then informed me that: "Dean was going to go in about 2 minutes". Dean left this earth at 8:24pm on Sept 6, 2005. He now resides at the Rainbow Bridge; out pain and at peace.

We made a well thought out choice as to a 2 week "plan" the week before of pain management starting Sept 5th - heavily medicated to relief his pain during Week One and then suppose to have been Twilight sedation - taper off pain medication during Week 2 and take it from there. Dean had said that he "was impatient to be out of pain" - and Dean could be impatient at times. So; the Hospice "plan" didn't "fit" Dean's style. (And it's hard to "fit" Dean into any plan; as he was an "original"). There's a line in a new Country song (don't know the title or artist)that Dean pointed out to me:

"If you want to hear God laugh; tell him your plans". That line "fits" right now. :)

The rest of this letter is a "Gay update" as I had computer problems over the weekend; as I tried to Post "Dean's Wishes" as soon as possible.

My dear love is on a journey without me; for now: I miss him; yet am hurled into life's business- one very busy week has passed (complete with a trip to the ER on Monday; as I had a glacoma scare - woke up yesteday at 4am with throbbing pain in my left eye - could barely read my MD's # by 6am to call the Triage Nurse line at my little Clinic in Alpine -saw a Nurse Praticioner by 9am; (found out my regular wonderful MD no longer works there) - she scared the hell out of me; saying: "If I don't get a glacoma test by today; I could be blind by tonight". So; I scrambled a bit as to a "decision"; my regular (now former) Optometrist couldn't get me in until Thurs; and I needed an Opthomologist, anyway and I don't mess around with my sight (I sew a lot and make gifts and sometimes sell (would rather give) tote bags and misc crafts, etc = "GayCreations") so I got a ride to the nearest ER, 2 towns over (20 or so miles) by 2pm. They called in a Specialist by 7pm who said my eyes were extremely dry - no glacoma in my eye that still was hurting; but he was very concerned about the other eye (could be start of glacoma) and he referred me back in a loop to a Opthomologist (Thurs appt) in Alpine. I also asked for a catscan to be done (results = no tumor; just cats at home); as I developed a Migraine in the ER; and with my Psychotropics I'm on; I took the opportunity to have my brain looked at. It was a very long day/week.

Now my computer time is limited; (can't see very well with the ointment given and need to rest my eyes) but wanted to Post "Dean's Wishes" (had trouble logging on as "Gay" this weekend -Ry said this Post may come up "from Dean" and it might be nice for people to see his photo one last time - will send a "Happy mugshot of Dean" - taken 3 years ago; before the Cancer to Ry and - to maybe scan and upload it for me for his obituary (Thank you Ry and KatieB for all of your love and support and asking someone to Post the Rainbow Bridge - I am teaching myself "stuff" on the computer. (Hope I'm not asking too much of you at this time).

Just logged on to find that there may be a Calendar in the making of Dean's artwork - wow!! Will contact Frogdog and see what needs to be done - as I'm not on 3DCommune much. Would love a calander made up.

Enough for my eyes tonight. This afternoon, I took my 1st really rested nap in 23 months = 6 hours; really zonked out (and didn't set my alarm clock right for a short nap; as I told my friend I'd call her this eve); my body finally told me I needed a long nap. I'll be back to lchelp and hope to lend my support, especially to the Cargivers even though I'm not good in group dynamics; I am a good listener and could impart some of the "tricks and timesavers" in care of a loved one. But I neverlearned to "detach" - as I loved Dean so very much. Next up is finding a job in about 3 months; my field of choice is working with Alzhiemer's patients - wish me luck; yet must continue to find some time for myself and simply "breathe". Thanks for listening, Gay

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Thank you so much for sharing. Dean was one very special man and I always looked forward to seeing his latest bit of wisdom that he shared.

I am glad you are planning on staying here with the rest of us. You too have some very special qualities and that is why Dean loves you so.

Much love,


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Gay, Dean was such an inspiration. I'm with Ry, sleep, sleep, sleep. After Jim died, I fell into such deep deep sleeps. I named them coma-sleeps. When you haven't had restful sleep in so many months, I guess your body is telling you that it is time to repair. Thanks for posting such a wonderful note.

To a Life Well Lived!

Sweet Dreams,


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although I can only imagine how sad this is for you, I loved reading your post. it was a true tribute to a beautiful soul, and reveiled yours, too, Gay. as a fellow traveler on a couple roads (Bill W.'s and the biker dudes') I feel blessed to have received even a smidgeon of what you and Dean brought to this world.

so thanks.



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Hi Gay,

I have been thinking of you and so glad you posted and seem to be holding your own.

That is a beautiful tribute to a beautiful man. You are doing everything he wanted and he is smiling down upon you from the "Rainbow Bridge"

What a very special person you are to work with Alzhiemer patients.

I love Dean's work and hope that one day there will be a calendar with his art work with proceeds going to Lung Cancer research. How special would that be for a tribute to him, by keeping his work alive and giving money to help our cause.

Take care Gay, I pray for your eyes to heal real soon.

Rest and may peace be with you.


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Dear Gay,

I came on board here in November, but only started reading much later.....about the time Dean was tapering off his own posts. However, after hearing so much about this amazing man, I have gone to past posts and have been reading. What a remarkable spirit! As you are also!

Thank you, Gay, for sharing with us this very personal glimpse into the life of Dean and Gay. I plan to pull up a comfy chair and reflect today.

My heart goes out to you as you continue on life's journey without Dean. Wishing you comfort and strength and wonderful memories of a wonderful human being.

My sincere condolences,


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Thank you Gay, for this beautiful post. I have to admit that my eyes are quite teary after reading it. Dean Carl has touched so very many lives during his journey here on earth. I can only imagine how beautiful the day will be when I, too, cross over the Rainbow Bridge and find my beloved Dennis and all of our little critters that have passed awaiting me. I will find a very special place and raise a toast to Dean Carl...a very special man! I'm thinking of you and sending hugs, prayers and good thoughts your way!

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Thank you, Gay. You know, you have a way with the written word as much as Dean did.

I am in a chair where I can often be found...my computer chair...so I just raised my bottle of water in Dean's honor...thereby fulfilling Dean's wish!

I hope that little by little, you'll get more past the pain of such a loss and instead, keep reminiscing the good times with Dean. He was a remarkable man...with a remarkable spirit.

Your plans for the motorcycle ride seem very appropriate. And the therapist sounds very kool, indeed.

We all hope you'll continue to visit with us here Gay, and let us know how you are doing.

Thoughts are with you.....

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Dear Gay,

Thank you for your beautiful update on your life and the beginning of Deans new path over the Rainbow Bridge.... You sound like such an incredibly strong woman.

I will raise a glass to Dean this evening. I had posted a few times before about Deans helping me with my son who had/has a problem with drugs. Today my son came to me and stated that he thinks he has reached a decision on what he would like to do with his life... he has decided he would be interested in being a counselor for being with drug abuse problems. He graduated from HS in June and has not showed any interest in furthering his education until today... I pray he continues on this path... I hope Dean is somehow still pushing him forward...

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What a beautiful post about your loving and sweet husband DeanCarl. He was/is a beautiful person/soul. I wish you peace and comfort as you continue on your journey without your beloved husband. I know he is resting in peace and pain free finally. Much love.

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Thank you for posting an update. We all have had you in our thoughts and prayers. It sounds like you have done exactly what Dean would have wanted you to do and I am sure he is proud of you. I am happy that you got a good nap and hope that you will continue to be able to sleep. I know your body is worn out and that your mind needs to repair with some rest.

Keep in touch. Dean was a wonderful person and I know that you must be very special as well or he would not have loved you so very much.


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I am shocked. I didn't know about Dean's passing until I read this just now. My heart is filled with sorrow at his loss but joy for having known such a great person. Your Dean was a real person. I know as I read your words that he is looking down and smiling because he is so proud of you. God Bless you Gay and I can think of no one who deserves a toast more than Dean.

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