DeanCarl Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Dear Family, Dean left a bit sooner than expected; I am posting his "wish" as there is no formal Memorial Serivce; his ashes will be at Ft. Rosecrans in a few weeks - with a bay side view of the ocean( a friend may be giving Dean's ashes and me a final motorcycle ride as Dean was a "Biker", too). I'm having one on one Individual Memorials in our home; remembering Dean from their perpective -how Dean touched their life = very healing for me; as we were a very private couple and Dean said: "Memorials are for the living" and I told him my plans for Memorials - have had 2 imprompto Memorials thus far and during the one with my Therapist (who became Dean's/my Therapist after "the fire" and he had wanted her here to help him "go"; she is one kool lady - happened to answer her office phone line, just after Dean passed) offered up the planting of a tree in our garden; in remembrance of Dean. I know Cancer is at a great financial cost as well as physical and emotional cost/termoil, too. (we were blessed to have some VA benefits and a more than wonderful VA MD who startd Hospice a year and 1/2 ago). I can only suggest donating in DeanCarl's name to lchelp to keep this wonderful healing place afloat. It was Dean's "lifeline"; and he was so grateful to give and recieve so much from lchelp. Here's "Dean's wish" (for such a simple/complex man: "Go to your favorite chair, restaurant, park or wherever you are most comfortable; with a beverage of your choice; and raise a Toast: "To a life well lived". Dean truly lived life with great passion; through whichever/whatever endeavors; his music, artwork or the newest "interests/projects" at the time and was always willing to lend an ear on lchelp. Dean lived life with Cancer: One day at a Time. Dean also believed in the following statement: Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming - WOW - WHAT A RIDE!!! Please Celebrate Dean's "Ride"....... And - Whoa what a "ride" I've been on for 7 days -I've been catapultued into a very busy life; trying to roll with the punches - One day at a time. It's been one week since my best friend and partner in life, of 21 years, DeanCarl crossed over to the Rainbow Bridge - greeting beloved friends from this board, along with his parents and with his Beagle puppie, Duke and my/our Belle Michelle cat. Dean's departure was much sooner than predicted (He did warn me that this wicked disease could take any and all twists and turns) - I had a "2 minute warning" that he was "going to go" - (we thought we had a 2+ week "plan") as he had just been put on Continuous Care at 4pm on Sept 6th and another relief Nurse was to come at Midnight to 8am; so I could get some rest. After a private phone call to my "been there friend", who has given great loving support in my understanding the process of Cancer along with other interests we have in common; I checked in on Dean; he had just had a bed bath and had been groaning a bit. I crawled into the hospital bed and told Dean that I'd update his daughter, next - but; Dean was very drugged and was "trying" to speak to me...no real "words"; but I understood that he had was done on this earth; I spoke to him calmly as I could and kissed him and stroked his head - hope that eased his brain. The Nurse then informed me that: "Dean was going to go in about 2 minutes". Dean left this earth at 8:24pm on Sept 6, 2005. He now resides at the Rainbow Bridge; out pain and at peace. We made a well thought out choice as to a 2 week "plan" the week before of pain management starting Sept 5th - heavily medicated to relief his pain during Week One and then suppose to have been Twilight sedation - taper off pain medication during Week 2 and take it from there. Dean had said that he "was impatient to be out of pain" - and Dean could be impatient at times. So; the Hospice "plan" didn't "fit" Dean's style. (And it's hard to "fit" Dean into any plan; as he was an "original"). There's a line in a new Country song (don't know the title or artist)that Dean pointed out to me: "If you want to hear God laugh; tell him your plans". That line "fits" right now. The rest of this letter is a "Gay update" as I had computer problems over the weekend; as I tried to Post "Dean's Wishes" as soon as possible. My dear love is on a journey without me; for now: I miss him; yet am hurled into life's business- one very busy week has passed (complete with a trip to the ER on Monday; as I had a glacoma scare - woke up yesteday at 4am with throbbing pain in my left eye - could barely read my MD's # by 6am to call the Triage Nurse line at my little Clinic in Alpine -saw a Nurse Praticioner by 9am; (found out my regular wonderful MD no longer works there) - she scared the hell out of me; saying: "If I don't get a glacoma test by today; I could be blind by tonight". So; I scrambled a bit as to a "decision"; my regular (now former) Optometrist couldn't get me in until Thurs; and I needed an Opthomologist, anyway and I don't mess around with my sight (I sew a lot and make gifts and sometimes sell (would rather give) tote bags and misc crafts, etc = "GayCreations") so I got a ride to the nearest ER, 2 towns over (20 or so miles) by 2pm. They called in a Specialist by 7pm who said my eyes were extremely dry - no glacoma in my eye that still was hurting; but he was very concerned about the other eye (could be start of glacoma) and he referred me back in a loop to a Opthomologist (Thurs appt) in Alpine. I also asked for a catscan to be done (results = no tumor; just cats at home); as I developed a Migraine in the ER; and with my Psychotropics I'm on; I took the opportunity to have my brain looked at. It was a very long day/week. Now my computer time is limited; (can't see very well with the ointment given and need to rest my eyes) but wanted to Post "Dean's Wishes" (had trouble logging on as "Gay" this weekend -Ry said this Post may come up "from Dean" and it might be nice for people to see his photo one last time - will send a "Happy mugshot of Dean" - taken 3 years ago; before the Cancer to Ry and - to maybe scan and upload it for me for his obituary (Thank you Ry and KatieB for all of your love and support and asking someone to Post the Rainbow Bridge - I am teaching myself "stuff" on the computer. (Hope I'm not asking too much of you at this time). Just logged on to find that there may be a Calendar in the making of Dean's artwork - wow!! Will contact Frogdog and see what needs to be done - as I'm not on 3DCommune much. Would love a calander made up. Enough for my eyes tonight. This afternoon, I took my 1st really rested nap in 23 months = 6 hours; really zonked out (and didn't set my alarm clock right for a short nap; as I told my friend I'd call her this eve); my body finally told me I needed a long nap. I'll be back to lchelp and hope to lend my support, especially to the Cargivers even though I'm not good in group dynamics; I am a good listener and could impart some of the "tricks and timesavers" in care of a loved one. But I neverlearned to "detach" - as I loved Dean so very much. Next up is finding a job in about 3 months; my field of choice is working with Alzhiemer's patients - wish me luck; yet must continue to find some time for myself and simply "breathe". Thanks for listening, Gay Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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