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More time at home, kind of


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Well today was my first day on my new shorter schedule. I was home by 4:30 and it sure was nice. I had so many things that I wanted to do that I kind of went around in circles doing a little bit here and a little there. I will have to learn how to budget my new found time at home.

My boss is really wonderful. She knows about my night driving restrictions and as soon as I mentioned the shorter days she went to work on my schedule and got me set up to get off early and make the maximum income that I can. She has agreed to give me one weekend a month to make up for the time that I will be losing each day. So I will get off early but I will be gone from Friday morning until Tuesday evening. After that I intend to take a couple of weekends off. I want to get my yard ready for winter.

I went shopping Saturday and went nuts. There are so many flower bulbs now. I want them all :!: I did buy quite a few but before I can plant them I have to make more beds. That is not an easy task here where I live. The dirt is sparce and there are rooks and bolders just below the surface. In some cases on the surface. To make a flower bed I have to put down edging and full it with dirt. Then I use the rocks to help keep it in place because you can't dig in the ground. There are just too many rocks. Never the less in less then two years I have haulded enough rocks and planted enough plants (thanks to my neighbors who are always giving me plants) to make about 60 feet of flower beds.

I have a very big yard so there is still a lot of room for more beds. Can't have a lawn so I picture a yard that is all flower beds with gravel paths. Someday :!:

I have started three holes for fruit trees in the spring. I live in California and I entend to have fruit trees :!: I removed a big boulder then start making the holes a little bigger each time I have a few minutes. I remove the rocks and dig out what dirt there is to use for my beds.

Once I get my yard straight I have tons of work to do in my house. I want to wash walls and paint and scrub my kitchen floor as well as clean closets. I know it will take me a while but I can't wait to get started on all of it. Then I can relax on my time off and work on my quilt that I had to put away or crochet or just read a book. It all sounds soooo good.

I guess it is good that I have been so busy. I am facing all of those anivrsary dates again and they can really get me down. Yesterday and today were two of them but at least I didn't get so bad that I couldn't function this time like I did the past two years. Maybe that is progress. I try not to think of the date but sometimes that is impossible. Fate just seems to conspire against me. Case in point.

Yesterday I was with a client all day and all night. She had a visit from her next door neighbor. Her last name is Fields just like Johnny's. Then I was looking at a magazine and saw an add for the lodge at Lake Quinault. The memories crashed over me like a tidal wave.

Three years ago yesterday. Could it really be that long? Johnny and I were going to pay his rent at the place where his trailer was still parked. On the way he asked me to go another way. He wanted to show me one of his favorite places. Lake Quinault. I remember it was raining that day. A light gentle rain. We parked and went into the lodge. We had already eaten so we just ordered coffee and dessert. Johnny ordered sherbert and I had cheescake and we each tired a little of the others.

He was so well that day. He never used the oxygen all day. We had the best time and when we left he had me pick up a brosure. He said that before Winter we would have to go back when it wasn't raining and spend a few nights there. He said it would be a romantic vacation for us and give me some rest for a change. We were so happy that day. All of his neighbors told us how well he looked. Some said they had known him for years and had never seen him looking so well.

On the way home we stopped to eat and by the time we left it was dark. The moon was up and it was a full moon. Johnny had me park in the parking lot so we could look at the moon for a while. We held hands and he said it was so romantic because we had never done that before. Such a perfect day. Then the next day our nightmare began and for me it has never ended.

Three years ago today sense the nurse made the remark that started the anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if anyone else had said what he did but he was the one who had given Johnny hope in the first place. He was the one who said attitude is 90% of the battle. Why couldn't he remember that his own attitude was just as important as Johnny's and kept his damn mouth shut?

Oh well I had better get off of this subject and get ready for bed. There are too many aniversary dates ahead. I can't afford to let them all get me down so much again. Johnny wouldn't want that.


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Hang in there Lillian. I know, only too well, how very hard these important dates can be. I think it's great that you're keeping yourself busy by doing some projects that you really love. I think planting bulbs is such a neat thing to do. You put them in the ground and it's almost like you completely forget about them being there. Then, when spring comes, you see their little heads peeking through the ground and the excitement begins as you wait to see blooms. I'm also glad to hear that your work days will be shorter, as that means you'll have more time to spend on the MB. You know, I love reading your posts! Just keep you chin up and hang tough through the tough days!!! I'll ask God to grant you Peace!!!

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Lil, I know what you mean. Today it is 3 months since Mike died. But, to me..it seems 3 years--the days are long as I try to make it thru them. I can't dwell on the weeks,months etc. Otherwise, I would spend all my time on that. Next month is my birthday month and Mike's. Me Oct 12th and Mike's Oct 29. We always celebrated big in October. I loved that month. This Oct will be so different, and certainly not as joyous. Take care, God bless,Nancy C

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