Treebywater Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 It's the first day of fall. This day snuck up on me. The fullness of this last year has caused me to be confused about what season I was in or what day it was most of time. For some reason this realization hits me in a strange and difficult way. In some ways, it felt as though this summer would be eternal. It felt as though it would go on and on and on being summer, and being wrapped in caring for Mom, losing Mom, grieving Mom. That is not the case, and I find my heart full of grief because I just left the last season that I had with my Mom. Part of me feels that if I can't be with her physically, I at least want to be close to her chronologically. This is just another symbol that though it feels like everything should still be stopped and taking notice that my Mom is dead, life is going on. It is right that it should do so, I suppose. I am going on. I continue loving on Carolyn and watching her grow and conquer one milestone after another. I'm thinking of new directions for the future, and investigating how to go those ways. But today... I just want to stay here for a little bit. I don't want to get any farther from my Mom. I guess it doesn't matter. She is still gone today. I'm still not with her. If I was going to freeze time I should have done it a few months ago, or better yet, last summer before cancer had robbed my mother of her ability to do the normal tasks of living. But we didn't know how precious and fragile life was then. If I'd frozen time, I would have missed all of the good of this year as well. There would be no Carolyn. I would have been in Washington far away from my folks, and I wouldn't have had the time with them that I did. (And then there would be the perpetual morning sickness..... perish the thought!) I guess it is right that the seasons will keep on changing, but there is a sting in it today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 Val...you are truly priceless!!! What a wonderful post!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 Sweet, sweet, Val, I know EXACTLY what you mean about trying to be able to stay close chronologically - not moving into new seasons. BUT....I remain close to my very own Mother 20 years after her death with the onset of EVERY new season. With it brings memories so fresh....they are as but yesterday, and I must smile because my heart is warmed. I am so hoping the same happens for you, Val. Perhaps, after this first year of 'firsts' passes by. Our Mothers are ALWAYS with us, I do believe that. Mine is walking this LC journey with me lifting me up when I feel I cannot lift myself. Yours is there for you too. Much love to you and Miss Carolyn! Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancy c Posted September 22, 2005 Share Posted September 22, 2005 Val, I feel so bad for you--but your mother is always with you. No matter what season. Take care, Nancy C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted September 23, 2005 Share Posted September 23, 2005 you write beautifully Val. I hope that's part of your new direction. you just brought your mom right into fall with you. love and prayers continue. xoxo bunny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.