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overload!!! later after I have calmed down a bit...update


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Poor Brian. He has begun to show blood in his sputum. Of course he is frightened by that. We see the onc on Thursday and he is supposed to get his next dose of CPT-11. So if it doesn't get more pronounced he wants to wait till then to tell the doc.

On top of that and feeling very weak and cruddy from last week's chemo and having diarrhea and occasional vomiting:

We got a call this AM. His 85 year old mother, who does very well and lives in an apartment in a Senior's high rise, called 911 and went to the ER. She has horrible pain in her back.

The ER could not wait to discharge her as she has chronic osteoarthritis and her visit was truly NOT an emergency. Brian and I talk to her everyday and she has been complaining of her back, but seemed fine. Turns out she is in agony and just could no longer stand it.

Well, I took her to the restroom at the hospital and noticed a horrible odor. My thinking is that she has a urinary tract infection and that is causing her pain. Of course she was discharged by then and now I am trying to get her doc to okay a uninalysis over the phone.

She is going to stay with us for a few days.........She is incontinent (this is new) and barely able to get around for the pain. She seems confused, a bit too.

Our home is a 2 story, with only the master on the first floor, so we are turning the great room into hers. Brian needs to be in his own bedroom/bathroom, but if things worsen we will move upstairs and fix the master for her...........

I am so overwhelmed.

Brian is an only child so ................

What we need is your prayer!!!! Please.

I do fine with taking care of things that need taking care of, but I have trouble keeping myself quiet about it. I need to do the right thing and be quiet. Please pray that I do better.

Poor Brian is so worried I have to behave as though this is all nothing and I am doing poorly.

I work full time in my home office (read here: basement), care for Brian, and do the things that go w/ family and home..............this is overload and I just need to be strong.

Brian's daughters will help, I know, but I am not even sleeping now and can't imagine worring that Ruby will try to get up in the night...........and fall ...............

Just pray and know that if I am not on as much as usual I still care and I still love you and I still need you.

Thanks for being here and for the prayers and support I know we will get.



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I am overwhelmed just reading what is on your plate!!! I cannot imagine living it. Holy buckets! When it rains, it pours.

Now. Regarding your mil. This is armchair Dr. Cindi talking. Incontinence and back pain sets off an alarm of cauda equina syndrome. Does she have any leg weakness? Any loss of bowel control?

Hang in there, Pat. So glad that you are here.

Cindi o'h

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Dear Pat,

Hope you are doing a little better! I think Brian's Mom does have a UTI. This is exactly what it does (incontinent & odor & confusion)to a person as my Grandmother had a horrible one. Be sure and watch her temperature because they can spike horribly with these infections. Perhaps the Dr. can just prescribe a good Sulpha Drug (pretty sure this is the type of antibiotic you will need for her) and it may take more than one round. S00000000, sorry that you are having to deal with so much of this alone! This is never easy and having two people not feeling well is a true test! You are in our thoughts and prayers please remember to take care of yourself as well.


Botley & Mother

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I cannot imagine and of course Brian is worried about you. I can't even commit to keeping my newborn nephew for a few hours for fear it will impose on my care for Bill. I'm so sorry there are no other siblings to assist. Is there any chance that an assisted living program on a temporary basis would be an option? I just can't imagine the stress you are under.

You know you have my prayers, I will reinforce them with more!

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All that you have on your plate would be overwhelming to anyone. You are only 1 person and can only do so much....... remember to take some time for yourself too.

I hope the doctor will consider that your mil may have some sort of infection and treat accordingly. Neither you or Brian need any extra stress right now.

Good luck on Thursday.


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Oh Pat, bless your heart! I am so sorry to hear that you have all this burden right now. I know poor Brian must be very worried about his dear mom. I have no idea how I would handle the load that you have been given to deal with. I'm sure you will pull this off wonderfully, as God will help you through this. I will certainly be saying lots of prayers.

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Pat/Brian - hope this gets figured out soon, so Brian can feel better. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.

While dealing with my own 92 year old mother recently, getting her into an assisted living facility and trying to get her leg pain (turned out to be a back problem) solved, I learned that some in the medical profession can be quite callous in their treatment of the elderly. They kept pushing my mother around from one place and one doc to another -- because they thought she'd die, and none of them wanted her death on their watch.

You also have the additional Medicare factor which puts the paperwork ahead of the patient all too often.

What saved us was that my niece is an RN, and was able to go with mother to her appointments and demand answers and action. She knew what to ask and what to report, and was able to get some help.

A good social worker at her facility or an ombudsman might be of help as well. You have enough of a load as it is -- see if there isn't some help out there for you, ok?

Take care.


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If the doc won't order what is needed over the phone then another trip to the ER is in order-ASAP- because a Kidney Infection is in fact an Emergency Situation that must be dealt with quickly (and I do mean Kidney, not UTI or bladder, even though they all seem to fall under the UTI heading these days).

I know you are overwhelmed. I am so sorry you are the only one these folks have to turn to. I wish I were able to help. But please believe me when I tell you that a Kidney Infection is a serious medical situation.

Prayers coming your way for healing and help and all that you folks need to be well.

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Well I can't add much to the good advice here except to push fluids to flush the bacteria out and cranberry juice will help too until you get a good antibiotic in her. Would she wear a Poise pad? If so that may be an option to the incontinence (its a pad not a diaper and may be easier for her to accept). The confusion is likely dehydration--so fluids will help that too.

Hopefully you can get her feeling well and back home soon. :wink: I feel for you-- I really do. You have my number...call if you want someone to listen. Good luck!


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Oh Pat, I surely do empathize. Although I am not the primary caregiver for my mom (thank heaven for my stepdad), John's mom lives with us. She moved in in May and what a ride!! She has incontinence, knee problems with limited mobility and dementia!

She cannot be left alone, so she goes to an adult daycare during the day while we work. John bathes her every morning. It does seem very hard to get any kind of help in the way of Medicare/Medicaid. We were set up to have a home health care nurse coming, but they no showed/no called their first 2 visits, so we fired them.

In the meantime, John's 4 other siblings have no interest in helping and they literally pis_ us off at every turn, like calling and griping about her money, all 800.00 of it per month, how we need to shop around for her diapers, how expensive her meds are, how her house is their inheritance! Her Dr. said that she could live for many more years bc she has nothing terminally wrong with her, so the house is staying put until she needs to sell it to fund medical necessities. They actually want him to sell it and give them the money! She is not dead for God's sake!

As far as respite care, one daughter takes her every five weeks for a weekend and it simply is not enough. Can your MIL be alone?

Lately, I have been feeling kind of resentful bc I want to be at my mom's some evenings, but I have to be here with MIL. I was taking her with me, but the last few times, she has leaked all over their floor and I think it stresses out my stepdad, so that option is out too now.

I pray for you my dear. It is almost too much bc you are Brian's primary caregiver. I am not sure how you can manage all of this. This concerns me...

I am going to PM you with some resources for caregivers..please take time for you somehow, or you will not be able to help Brian and his mom.

Hugs to you for your valiant effot. All my love and prayers!!

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Actually, Pat, your plate is not full, it's overflowing. As a primary caregiver, you have a three ring circus on your hands: (1) doing the things you normally do in life; (2) taking care of Brian and now his mother; (3) doing the things Brian normally does in life. As has been noted, you need to take care of your own well being as well -- someone to confide in on a routine basis, taking breaks for yourself, doing things you enjoy, etc. My prayers are certainly with you all. Don

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Oh ((((Pat)))),

How I wish DH and I could just hop on a plane and be there lickety split to take away some of your anxiety. So much we could do. It saddens me it just can't happen.

Everyone has given great advice. I would only add... can't Ruby get and appt. with her PCP soon and get evaluated? I am sure you already thought of that - if, in fact, that is an option.

They say...whoever they are.... that we get only what we can handle. Today I doubt that very much. I think you got my share too and I am sorry.

Please PM if you would want me to call or just to type out your frustrations. You KNOW prayers have been constantly sent to you from here in PA. More are on the way as I type.

((((Pat and Brian)))),


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Oh my...you do have a lot going on! Who could blame you for needing a little support for yourself.

Take a deep breath, do what you can the best you can. Be sure to take care of yourself while you are caring for everyone else.

I pray that everyone is feeling better soon.

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You poor thing, you must be so exhausted! Taking care of your husband is exhausting and emotional enough, and how you have his Mom to care for. Is there anyway you can take a leave of absence from your job for awhile? Most companies are very understanding of situations like these. That might at least lighten up some of the stress. Also, maybe you could try attending a support group for caregivers. I have started to take my Mom to one and it has been a good way for her to unload some of her burdens. It also is a good way for her to get out of the house for awhile. I have also started going over and sitting with my Dad for several hours, a couple times a week, so Mom can get out and visit friends or run errands without being worried about Dad. I really encourage you to seek help from friends, family, or professionals. You are an amazingly strong woman, but no one could handle all of this on their own. I will keep you in my prayers.


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Oh (((Pat))),

You have too much for one person to deal with. I would deal with the medical emergencies and concentrate on drumming up some help. You mentioned Brian's daughters will help, I would accept. Accept and reach out for any and all help that you can. Know that I am sending you prayers always...

Love and Prayers,


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Thanks, everyone!

I got Ruby to her doc today. she does not have an UTI!! I am so surprised. She checked clean on a urine dip and sent it for culture, but doc said it is clean.

Her back hurts so bad.

She has Darvecet and a muscle relaxer and is sleeping. She has 3 compression fractures and we know she has osteo arthritis. She has one of these big humps on her back. She has had a double mastectomy and other things. She is so tiny. I feel so badly for her............She is being a really good sport and Lori (Bri's older daughter) spent the afternoon her organizing her meds and calling about some home health care.

grandma will stay here till Thursday and Lori will come get her till she can go home with home health. so my original panic is eased and i feel like I will make it. My Textron work is suffering, but one can only do what one can do and then you just have to prioritize.

I love you guys for letting me vent

I am better

Grandma is resting

Brian is incredible and wonderful and loving.

I may go nuts but as long as I remember that God is in each of us and whatsoever we do for one another we do for HIM...............I am fine.

Just keep praying that I keep my mouth shut and know that I still care even if I don't post as much.

Love you


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This is too much for you to handle alone. Try as best as you can to get some help. Having two people in need of attention in one house, with only one person doing all the caretaking - well, that's just not enough. My prayers and all good thoughts are going your way. Please hug Brian for me and tell him Spunky is rootin' for a big comeback. ((()))


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