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My saga continues.....


kim

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He still hasn't ordered Mom's headstone!!! I'm really becoming quit upset about this! He has gotten his d@#** whirlpool tub and is working on putting it in. I know that he had his bathroom torn apart and was waiting to get it, but It really hurts that he can't, at least, go and order the stone. :( Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill; I mean he has never gotten a stone put on Shannon's grave.(child from first marriage that died at 2 yrs. old). At the time I KNOW he didn't have the money, but now he has the money to get both. How do I get him to see how important this is to me?! I want him to be happy, I really do, but how do I get him to give me this closure I feel I need?! If I asked him to let me pay for it, it would only insult him. I guess I'll just have to go up there and take him myself, but it is very hard to get up there with two kids in school, and I work 2 jobs, one is every Sat. and Sun.. What to do, what to do!! The men in my family pretty much think I should just leave him alone.( brother and husband) But, Cindy and I are really hurt about this.

I just hope he does it soon, I just don't know how much longer I can keep my mouth shut!

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I feel for you and I would also be hurt but some people just don't look at it the way we do I guess. To him he may not see the "urgency" (even if it had been years) it may just be too big of a decision or he may just want to forget about it for a while. I'm not trying to give him an excuse just maybe trying to imagine where he's coming from. That being said I would also want closure. I think if I were in the same situation this is what I would do. I don't know how far away you are but if you have to find someone in his area I would go to the cemetary or "headstone place" and pick out say two that I liked shape wise.. and get the price. I would take a phot of each and then bring them both to him. I would show them to him, explain to him what you would like on the stone and tell him the price. I would ask his opinion on the shape and the message, very sweetly, then make a decision. I would then tell him that you plan to order the stone by the end of the week. I would ask him if he would like to give you a check (cash credit card or come with you when you order it) to take to pay for the stone or you will purchase it yourself. then it is done. There is no reason he should be insulted... you asked his opinion, you talked about what to do and you gave him the OPTION of paying for it. If he is insulted he'll get over it long before the stone wears out-- if you know what I mean.

Some people are just eternal procrastinators, some just can't deal with issues like this and maybe to him it's just not that important. you can't make him do it but you can consult him and give him the opportunity to do it with you. In the end your mom will have her stone which is what's important to YOU. That's all that really matters in the long run.

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Dear Kim,

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. It's not nice!

Let me share with you what happened when my sister passed away.

She was remarried, and her kids (from her first marriage) were all grown up in there 20's. Well, long story short, my sister Bonnie's husband (who she had only been married to for 3 years before she passed away) never did put a headstone on her grave. It was very heartbreaking for my nephew and nieces and also to myself and my other sisters that he did nothing. Rather then wait for him to put the headstone on Bonnie's grave after we had asked him about it several times, we decided it was up to us to do so. So we did!

He had gotten all the life insurance money, and her house, and he never looked back at any of us after she passed away. It's very painful to go through those things.

After we put the headstone on her grave, we ALL felt better, and the suffering over the headstone went away.

God bless you and I hope things will work out for you. Sometime you just have to do what you just have to do!

Hugs,

Connie

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Kim,

It seems that the kids are the ones who need this form of closure - and although you ARE the kids, you are not children. Go together and get Mom's headstone ordered and put on the grave. If you want to mark the toddler's grave as well, do so.

Understand that everyone's closure comes from different things. My parents have buried two babies - two!, and neither little soul has a headstone. They definitely know and they definitely remember and they definitely have their "what ifs", but the souls of those babies are not tied to that patch of dirt.

If it is important to YOU to have a headstone for your mother, do it. The child not having a headstone should give you an idea of where your father's heart is. I'm sure he loved the little girl, but did not mark the grave. He carries that figurative headstone in his heart, as I'm sure he does for your mother. Give yourself and him a break, if it's that important to you, just DO IT.

Be kind to yourself and the others grieving the loss,

Becky

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Have you told him how it makes you feel? Sometimes communicating how you feel openly can make all the difference.

Maybe he doesn't know how much it means to you guys.

If you can't communicate with him, are too afraid to, or don't think it will help- you should get the headstone yourself.

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