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Home for now....a long rambling of a grieving wife....


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Hello friends,

Been a busy month for me...After Mike's funeral I went camping over the 4th of July weekend with our friends.

Then the following week I went to Michigan for a week...then home two and 1/2 days and left for Colorado for a week. We were staying at the YMCA camp of the Rockies - what a beautiful place. It was our youth group's national convention. About 1500 kids there...whew! Lots of commotion! Just what I needed.

Tomorrow I drive about 3.5 hours (non-stop) to our state capitol to see Patrick (our son) graduate from the police academy. They don't call it that anymore - I suppose the "movie" has tainted the title! LOL

I went shopping today and ran errands. I have Shelby (granddaughter number 1) over night again tonight. Little Princess doesn't like me to be alone so she is always saying she can sleep over night! LOL

The other night she told me that Grandpa had come to her in a dream and said that he was very happy in heaven, that he missed her and he loved her but that he wouldn't come back if he could. He said "I can't come back to you Shelby but someday you will come here".

Hhhmmmm - pretty heavy thinking for a five year old. It's heavy thinking but it sounds like something Mike would say. Then Shelby announced that she will "probably"(her favorite word is probably) have another dream of grandpa. I wouldn't be surprised.

Every time I get weepy eyed, Shelby comes and hugs me and says "Don't be sad Damma, Boppa is alive in heaven and he is VERY happy and he doesn't want you to be sad." What can you say to that?

Rachel's eyes (granddaughter #3) turned out pretty good...a little "over corrected" but they feel it's just swelling from the surgery and it will correct itself. Otherwise she is doing great...no major problems, just slow (very slow) development - but she's not skipping a stage and is now acting more like a 2 year old than ever before. Complete with leg kicking temper tantrums! She is a low maintenance child and will play with toys quietly for hours. Loves her books!

Blake (grandson #2) is growing up - not quite so much the "terrible twos"...but still can drive me straight up the wall with his screeching. He rarely misbehaves when it's just me and the kids...but if his mother is within hearing distance...he is a screaming - well - let's just say he is naughty and leave it at that! But when he is good - he is very good...and talks so well - he just cracks me up at his expressions and what he says!

Shelby continues to be my joy and my light. Her personality and mine click and we love to do the same things. She sings constantly, dances around and has the "joy of the Lord" already. Only thing bad is she is growing up way too fast! She has this amazing ability to know what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking and always says the right thing to comfort.

Katie (our daughter) is having a hard time with missing her dad. I've noticed I'm getting 50% more phone calls than before and realize I'm getting the calls she'd normally make to her dad. She is doing okay though....it's just a hard process for everyone.

Patrick has been so focused on his schooling and getting it over with...it's hard to say where his heart and mind have been. He seems softer, more reflective - especially with me and already seems to be "concerned" about his widowed mama. I might have a problem with him being "over protective" LOL.

The dog wanders around aimlessly (like she ever had an "aim" LOL) - lost, looking for something she cannot find. I don't sit and pet her by the hour like Mike use to do, nor will she climb into my lap like she did Mike....so I know she is missing him.

For me....when it hurts it hurts HORRIFICALLY. But most of the time - about 85% of the time - I'm more than okay - I'm really good. I'm at peace and I'm happy. But it's the other 15% of the time that will catch me unawares and I'll burst into tears. I've said it's more of a physically reaction to my grief than an emotional one. I never know when it will hit. I can talk about Mike, think about him, talk to him...not a tear. But then for no "known" reason - my heart will feel like it's being ripped out and the tears come, without thought, without sadness...they simply come like a flood.

Mike taught me how to live and how to die. Now he is teaching me how to move forward when I hear his voice (in my memory) saying "You can't re-live the past, you have to accept the present and you change anything but your future. Don't cry honey, please don't cry - I hate it when you cry because I can't make it better for you."

So - I cry anyway because I rarely did what Mike TOLD me to do! LOL But it does make me stronger...knowing how strong and brave he was and how much he loved me. And when I hug the kids or grandkids, I know I have a permanent piece of my Mikey with me - always.

Love and hugs,


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Shannon, I cannot imagine the pain you must feel, however you are showing your ability to be strong and supportive to everyone. This support you are offering everyone else will surely help in your support process as well.

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Shannon...so glad to hear that you are doing well. I know how you feel...especially that 15% of the time. The tears can just start for absolutely no reason and you can either cry for hours or five minutes...who knows what to expect? It seems that songs on the radio while I'm driving in the car seem to set me off really easy. My Dennis was quite a music lover and there was so much meaning in music for the two of us. Thank God you have your grandchildren to keep you occupied. My boys are all grown but there are no little ones yet. I look forward to that day and I can understand how they are a comfort to you now. My children, although adults now, had a really hard time losing their father. They are just now to the point where we can talk about a lot of the occurences durning his death. Please, email me anytime you would like to talk. I do understand...all too well!!!

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I am glad you are doing so good, I can understand how you are feeling, and it been almost 5 months since Mark passed and i still get like that

i will go weeks and then i will cry all weekend, or i will talk to some and

start crying and others i can talk and not a tear. I think it is when was youngest daughter goes and stays with someone and i am by myself i just let go, but then i will feel better it just something you have to do. You have a lot of people around you that does help, you are in my prayers.

Take care


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