Stephi Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Hi ALl.. My name is Stephi, my husband Larry and I live in New Orleans. He was dx in April with large cell nsclc, originally at stage 1b and now at lllb. The tumor is located next to his heart and on the pulmonary artery. We will do more tests tomorrow to see if it has invaded either vessel/organ. They say he is inoperable because of the location of the tumor. He has been thru chemo/rad and just before we were suppose to have the ct, the hurricanes hit us, so we were away from home for almost 4 weeks. Even though we were fortunate our home only sustained slight damage, we still couldn't come home...now our Drs. and the hospital where he received treatment is closed. We went to another hospital for treatment and will have tests there tomorrow and see the Dr. on Thursday. My major problem is he is still smoking and is a very heavy drinker. We were seperated at the time of dx, but I took him to all his appts., and he changed his ways, I came back home. We have not had any fights to speak of except over the drinking. The new Drs. don't know about it, but I plan to tell them on Thursday. He always acts like I am a traitor for talking about it..he also knows he needs to quit or slow down alot. He has a high stress job, which is his main priority...still...the booze is 2nd. Our children don't help out much because they don't want to be around the drinking..and I don't blame them. He is on major pain meds..vicodin and morphine, and has alot of pain to his left hip..they are saying it is arthritis but he got it all of a sudden and it hasn't gotten better at all in a few months. Guess we will find out more about that with the PET scan. I considered not going with him tomorrow. I told him last week that he was on a path of destruction...and I wasn't going to walk it with him..If he wanted to receive treatment and help himself, I'd be there. I have been to every appt. with him, waited on him hand and foot...and now I'm trying to redo our home because of the storm. I have a serious heart problem, (5 heart attacks, and at one time was on transplant list) so this stress is not good for me either..he is taking all these meds, drinking on top of it and I have to deal with it all sober and drug free....I told him one time he wasn't gonna have to worry about cancer killing him because I was gonna do it first!!!!! (I know thats sick>>>)..was hoping someone could give me some advise??? He is also a Vietnam Vet with PTSD..this doesn't help either....ugh...he has had issues for years and I have tried to get him to see someone since this dx. Now I am at the point that if he doesn't he can do this alone...or I'll threaten that anyway. I always loved him ,but he turns into an abuser when he drinks, does and says stupid things..I vowed I'd not put up with it again..cancer is not going to change my mind.... thanks for listening and for any imput.. Blessings to all, Stephi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Hi Stephi, Sorry you had to find us, but glad you have. I am sorry about everything that is going on with your husband. You certainly are going through a very difficult time. If your husband has a drinking habit, it would be hard for him to quit that now. Especially, if he is on those strong meds. He probably just does not care. I don't know how old the children are, but they must be so scared to see him like that. He is very very lucky to have you with him. Hang in there and hopefully things will change for the better. Unfortunitely, you cannot make that decision for him. He is the only one who can do that. You can threaten to leave etc. but it has to be something that he desires to do. Whatever the outcome, do not blame yourself for anything. All you can do is be there for him. But you also need time for yourself and to be away from that situation when you feel you cannot cope. I think he needs a reality check and a will to live, especially for his family. I feel bad for the kids as they have to see him like that. Hang in there and remember we are here 24/7. You do not have to go through this alone. Keep us posted. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nancy B Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Stephi, sounds like you have got alot going on. Stay with us here and we will help you. Take care, Nancy B Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nushka Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I am sorry to hear that you have all of this to contend with. Your husband has to make the decision to quit drinking. I was married to a man with the same attitude for 23 years. The only way I could tolerate it any more was to leave. Of course he did not have cancer. You are between a rock and a hard place right now, but your health is very important as well. You have to take care of yourself. Is there anyway that you could ask him to leave and move into an apartment or something and still take him to appointments and check in on him from time to time? I would feel the same way as you do. I would feel quilty leaving him but something has to wake him up before it is too late. I can't presume to tell you what to do. All I can do is pray for you and tell you how I handled this years ago. Now my ex is married and he quit drinking right after our divorce. I have met a very loving wonderful man and we married. When I was dx he was there for me and it has made a world of difference. Explain that you love him and want to take care of him but that your own health can not tolerate living the way you are now. It might change him. He needs you now. It might be the thing that makes him want to quit. It is not going to be easy. The pain meds mixed with the drinking don't give him a chance for a clear mind. I have no right to talk to you this way and I hope I didn't offend you by doing so. I just care about you and wish you only the best. As for your husband, I will keep him in my prayers as well. Nina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jorja Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I really don't know what to say...just know that you will receive a lot of support here. love, jorja Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna G Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Is there a VA center- Hospital in New Orleans? or near? It could well be he copes with the post traumatic stress with the alcohol. Also, the military at that time even encouraged smoking, gave away cigarettes, sold them tax free at $.10 a pack! Cigarettes are very addicting. They say more so then Cocaine. It would be easier to quit drinking than the cigarettes. I just think that the VA knows what they did to those guys that served in Vietnam, perhaps they could treat all of him rather than just the cancer. Prayers going up for you for help and wisdom. Prayers for your husband that his body and mind can be healed. Donna G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyoung20 Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Stephi, I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this alone. You really need to consider your health conditions first. If you are at risk of having another heart attack, I would definately back off and re-evaluate. As far as your hubby is concerned, I know he is going through a lot. I smoked up until a month before I was diagnosed. Needless to say, I knew I was sick and it scared me. You cannot make anyone do anything they don't want to do. If he wants to stop,he will when he is ready. Maybe, he should consider AA. It is a wonderful organization. Have you ever read the book, Codependant No More. It might help you understand the reason you keep going taking it. I hope this helps. GOD BLESS YOU!!! Jamie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Stephi: I am sorry you have to deal with such a difficult situation. If your husband is abusive when he drinks, I think your first priority would be to remove yourself from the situation. You could still be supportive if you live in separate residences. Supposedly he would not attend his appointments while intoxicated. Perhaps you could talk to a professional and discuss intervention by family members and close friends. I wish the best for you and your husband. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Stephi, I am truly sorry to hear of all the problems you are facing. Having been hit by two hurricanes back-to-back here in Florida last year, I can really sympathize with the struggle you are going through to get your house back in order. You are to be admired for standing by Larry's side and trying to help him but you can only do what is within your limits. It sounds like you have health issues also, so you need take care of yourself. I am sending lots of hugs your way! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 What a horribly tough time. Again, remember that you are not alone. I'll keep you in my prayers. Keep us posted. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Stephi, my hometown is New Orleans. I have not lived there since 1960, but I still have family there. I think it is important that someone go with him for doctor visits, tests, etc. if he is going to get the best treatment. You have a very complicated situation and I can't sort it all out by just one post. Especially since you have heart problems (I had a quad bypass in 1997), it is important to take care of yourself and keep the stress as low as possible. It is really your call how much you are willing to put up with. Only you can know that. I wish you well. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 Dear Steph... Your post was heart wrenching and I feel badly for you. I can't tell you what to do, that is something only you can figure out for yourself. I have never walked in your shoes, I could tell you what "I think" I would do in your situation, but that is really not helpful. I will pray for your strength to make the right decision for yourself, not for your husband, not for your children, but for you Stephanie. You have to look no further than yourself for the answers to your questions... God Bless. Love Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted October 12, 2005 Share Posted October 12, 2005 We would like to offer prayers and support, Stephi. Pat and Brian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 Reading your post made me feel so sad. You have a way too much to deal with. Take it one step at a time. One thing that stands out is that you said the doctor's don't know about his drinking. Well, maybe they don't, i'm not a doctor, but I think with all the blood tests, other tests they do, that, in fact they DO know about his drinking and smoking. With all these tests they do , there's not much that can be hidden from them. Let's face it, doctors know alot between physical tests, emotional tests and general observation. They're trained to see these things. Hiding doesn't happen with a good doctor. Now, on the other side - why hide ANYTHING from your doctor. He's there to HELP you. A good doctor will look at Larry, figure out what is the best approach and then go that route. Let the doctor talk to him. With any luck and grace, the doctor will get through to him. Please know you're in my prayers through all of this. Life can be good and it CAN get better. Joanie ((())) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBeth Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 Dear Stephi, If ever you needed to find the right place, it is now...and you HAVE FOUND THE RIGHT PLACE. The dedicated, loving and wonderful people here at LCSC will get you thru this awful time in your life. Have faith and believe that you are strong enough. When you don't feel strong enough, let us be strong for you. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nonni Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 Oh gosh Steph...my heart aches for you....so so much to deal with at one time ...I will pray for you and your hb and kids....I am sure someone will come along and give you some advice...I just don't know what to say....I do know this...that you are a better woman than I am...cause I don't know if I could deal with an uncooperative and abusive hb...he does not realize how lucky he is to have you by his side..I hope and pray that he comes to his sense's ...not only for him...but for you too....Doesn't help any for that mess in N.O. either....glad you all survived I know this much thou....you have some health problems of your own and you MUST take care of yourself first....You are a brave woman and I'm sure the Good Lord will lead you in the right direction...meantime ...we will all pray....prayers are powerful...like someone said...when prayers go up...blessing come down... hugs...Pam S. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephi Posted October 13, 2005 Author Share Posted October 13, 2005 thanks so much for the kind words of comfort and understnading. We went to have tests today. We have not had "the talk" as yet, I was waiting until we saw the Dr. tomorrow and learned the results of tests. Afterwards, I will sit down with him and we will talk about what is ahead and what will be done about it... this living like nothing is wrong on his part just doesn't help. Life is too short in general, but when you know you have been handed something like lung cancer, you just need to love each day, and say the things you should've said before, but were "waiting" for the right time. There is a country western song that is popular now called: Live Like You were dying..everytime I hear it I think of how we should all take that advise. He went to the "bar" again tonight. I won't insist he stay away because his friends are there...and he needs to interact. But I will tell him he must cut way down on the drinking..I prefer him to quit, but that is a monumental task in good times. He has been told that surgery will not be p ossible while he is drinking like that, and during treatment he almost quit, but as someone said, he is using alcohol to "numb" life in general..going all the way back to Vietnam. We did for many years both go to the Vet Center here for treatment..I read a book called "Vietnam Wives" while we were seperated and felt as though I had written it..I have gotten many wives into treatment and alot of vets too...I used to give talks on PTSD and it's multigenerational effects, doing a few talk shows that got thru to some and thank God got them help. I have asked God to let me live to take care of my Mom, as I am an only child and my beloved Daddy died 8 years ago. My Mom is 75 with heart problems, but a tough old broad...lol actually a genteel southern lady..who doesn't miss a beat and has the biggest heart..she has helped me with Larry and even calls him at work to check on him..anyway when we got the cancer dx. I asked God to add Larry to the que..I needed to stay healthy in order to outlive him also. Please don't take this as being so caring and "selfless"...although I care immensely, I am also a control freak and need to stay to "take care of them" the way I think it should be done...I know, I am probably a candidate for the institution..I have to keep humor, and I still have hopes,dreams and believe in miracles..have a wonderful family and great friends, so I count myself very blessed. and now I have you all which I am also very thankful for... May you all be blessed..sending gentle hugs and prayers, Stephi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 The first rule in caregiving is: take care of the caregiver. It is a hard lesson, but it needs to be followed. I'm glad you realize you must take care of yourself first in order to help your husband and your mom. Be good to yourself. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted October 16, 2005 Share Posted October 16, 2005 Well at one time we may have been close to being neighbors. I lived in Houma for 32 years. You really do have a lot on your plate. I know how bad the storms were. My children still live in Houma and my son works out by the airport. I know that what we see on television does not tell the whole story. You are very fortunate that your house was not destroyed. Sounds like a lot of your good fortune ended with that! I know that you want to give all you can to the people you love. I also know how it feels to think that no one else can do it the way you do. Been there and done that. I learned the hard way that I needed help but by the time I learned Johnny didn't want anyone but me. It was hard. Your situation is made worse by the drinking. You do have to take care of yourself. Your husband needs to know that you can not help him if your health fails. I really don't think he is trying to hurt you. He is just trying to handle a lot of things himself. On top of Vietnam and the problems left from that he now has another demon to fight. Maybe he is just in denial. Has anyone explained to him that the drinking might keep the chemo from working? I know what some of the pills can cause on their own, add a few drinks his mind must be scrambled. Stay strong for yourself first. Demand that he show you respect. Let him know that you love him and want to do all you can to help but that you just can't do it if he is going to undermine everything that you do for him. Maybe that is what he is waiting for. You will certainly be in my thoughts and prayers. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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