Jana_W Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Hi all I haven't posted in a while, but I have been reading how every one is going at least once a week or so. Not sure if people will remember, but I was 34 weeks pregnant when Mum died on August 4th this year. My beautiful baby girl, Veronika May, was born on the 27th September and she is such a joy. I have been missing my own Mum so much at the moment and can't seem to stop thinking about it and crying about it (obviously not ALL the time, but I do have a good sob at least twice a day). I thought, and hoped, that with the birth of Veronika perhaps the highs and lows would balance each other out a bit more. This hasn't happened. I just seem to fluctuate between the two extreme emotions, and the emotional rollercoaster that we've all been on since Mum was diagnosed two years ago, continues. I have also been feeling terrible at being less support to my Dad. Before Veronika was born, I was able to see Dad about five times a week but this has been reduced to a couple of times a week as I adjust to being a new Mum and having new commitments, and I am also going to be without transport when my husband goes back to work. I am finding the whole idea of never seeing Mum again very overwhelming. I can only go so far as to accept that I won't be seeing her for a few months, and I can deal with that. But as soon as I try to comprehend that I am 34 years old and for the entire rest of my life I won't have her in it, and she will never meet my daughter, I just end up all confused and unable to really understand it. Does anyone know what I mean????? It all just seems so unfair. And I miss her so much. Jana xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I am sure your mom is watching....congratulations on the new baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nonni Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Oh Jana...I am soo sorry....time heals honey....concentrate on your new baby and the joy she will bring to you...Don't you worry...your Mom is right there with you...smiling at the both of you and free from pain....hugs....Pam S. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I hadn't thought of it in those terms... but I am doing the same thing. I can conceive of not being with Mom, and not seeing her for now... and for next week.... and into next month... But never again? I find myself forgetting that she's really gone until I look at her picture--especially from when she was near the end--and realize that the person in the picture isn't here anymore. And then I just feel so lost. I don't know Jana... I don't have anything to say that will really help, because right now nothing is really helping me. But... you know I'm here with you. I wish we didn't have to be here. But since we are I'm glad we can support each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kel M Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Jana, I can really appreciate what you're saying in this post. I lost Mom in May just after I turned thirty. 5 months later I still feel a little lost and more lonely than I ever thought possible. I try to get by living today - I can only handle my new reality in small doses - I cannot fathom not seeing her for the rest of my life. Do any of you dream of your Mom or loved one? I'm still in the nightmare stage - reliving her last minutes or strange goings on. They tend to wake me up for the day and can be overwhelming. I'm praying they will fade away... Wishing you all the best - making it through each day one day at a time. Kel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy RN Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 I am so sorry you are going thru this. My mom died when I was 37 of nsclc. I too, looked at it as not seeing her for several mos. I still do that. My younger sis was preg with her first one when mom died in July 1994, Audrey was born in Aug 1994. It was so hard on her. God bless your new one and just tell her stories of her grandma. that helps, Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Jana...first of all I would like say that I am so happy to read about your beautiful little daughter. I know how very proud you must be. At the same time, my heart is just breaking for you. I know how lost you must be without your mom right now. But, I'm sure your mom is watching out for you and that beautiful little daughter of yours. Please post a picture. We'd all love to see her. I'm so glad you have our dear, sweet Val to talk to. The two of you ahve gone through so much! ((((((((((((Jana)))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addie Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Jana... Congratulations on your baby daughter. What a wonderful event~!! But as soon as I try to comprehend that I am 34 years old and for the entire rest of my life I won't have her in it, and she will never meet my daughter, I just end up all confused and unable to really understand it. Does anyone know what I mean????? I know what you mean, but in my case it was my father who died just 8 days before I gave birth to my first son....Dad's first grandson. How he would have loved having grandsons...yet he never "met" either of them. I spoke of him often though. Still do...so my sons have a sense of who he was. And there are pictures of Dad and Mom around the house...as Mom died when the boys were only 11 and 7. I think it's especially hard when a woman has a baby, not to have her mother around...and in that regard, I was lucky, because I did have Mom here. But I can surely sympathize with what it is you feel. One thing I did when my dad died, was to write him a letter, telling him ALL about his first grandson. It was cathartic to write it. In fact, I think I actually stopped writing sort of "mid-paragraph"...never really completing the letter. I just wrote until I'd gotten enough out to ease the hurt. Maybe this would help you, if you were to write a letter to your mum. The cycle of life continues....and you have a new baby daughter to prove that...and to always remind you of the love you had for your mom. And that is a wonderful thing. Take comfort in your new wee one...as she is surely a gift to help you through the pain of loss. Time will help. Time and remembering all the wonderful things about your mum that you'll someday share with your daughter. Thinking of you Jana...and again, congratulations! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Jana, I wrote you a very long response before I left for work this morning and did the back up thing to copy a quote I wanted to send you and lost it all because I did not copy it before I hit the back button. . . sigh! Anyway, I didn't have time to rewrite it and don't now because I'm at work, but will write to you tonight or tomorrow. Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna G Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Congradulations on your new baby! I float to OB every once in a while. Just having a baby can affect your emotions with all the changes in your hormones. Most all my new Moms have what I call "Tender Heart Syndrome" , they can cry at the smallest thing plus they are so tired! Some Moms have real bad sadness and don't feel as if they can do anything and really nead help. I am so sorry that you not only have the hormones, sleeplessness but also real grief to deal with. Have you talked with your primary doctor about all this. My prayers go out for you. Please take care. Please know your Mother's love is always with you. Donna G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maryanne Posted October 14, 2005 Share Posted October 14, 2005 Hi Jana, I feel your pain that your mom had not met your baby girl. But I feel what Katie was told is good medicine for the mind. What if they did meet? I believe without a doubt, that even though you mom is not physically here, she does see her beautiful daughter and grandaugher. Your mom passed but her soul lives on through you and all those wonderful memories, which you will share with your daughter. Maybe you could write sort of a diary about your mom. Things you did together. Good memories, bad memories. The values your mom has taught you etc. You can even add pictures. Then as you daughter grows, you can give share it with her. This might be good therapy for you to release all those inner feelings in writing. I pray this gets better for you. Best of of luck on your new baby daughter , may she always stay healthy and grow into a beautiful young lady, who her grandmom would be so proud of, like her mom. Maryanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jana_W Posted October 15, 2005 Author Share Posted October 15, 2005 Thank you to all of you for your thoughts and caring words. Today is Mum's birthday and reading all of these posts before I go to bed tonight has helped make my heart feel somewhat lighter. Thank you again. My love to all of you. Jana xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artloft Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 I wake up in the middle of the night saying' Beth is no longer in this world and I will never see her again'' my stomach turns and I start having panic attacks... so I've decided for the time being to drive those thoughts away and not engage in them... I immediately grab one of my puppies and hug them until they make me laugh.... Then yesterday as I was driving I remembered something I had told myself exactly 20 yrs ago regarding death..it's funny because it came to me as I was driving, I remembered my theory of death.... death is a transformation from one form to another ...she is no longer in this form that we are so familiar with but she still with us .. they are never gone....through love they live inside of us forever..... hug your baby everytime a thought comes through, pretty soon I know you will see your mom's smile through your baby's eyes..... be patient with yourself... much love and peace to you..... alena Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 Dear Jana, I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I don't remember a thing I wrote to you last week, but I know I had received a quote in my email that morning that I wanted to send you. If I didn't delete it, I'll send it to you later. I remember that it was about grieving and how we must learn to control our thoughts instead of letting them control us. I know that's easier said than done, but in time, that is what we will learn to do. I think it is 1,000 times harder for a child to lose a parent when they are young, like yourself. My son is just having a horrible time dealing with his dad's death. I have a hard time identifying with my son, and also your grief, as I did not grieve like that over my parents. My situation was much different, though. My parents were older (70s) and I was older (50s). Also, both of my parents were quite ill for a very, very long, especially my mother, and her death was expected many years prior to when it happened. In addition, I loved my parents, but I didn't have a really close relationship with them, like you did with your Mum. I was closer with my dad than with my mom, but it came later in his life. I read something else recently, and it may have been a link from this site, but it talked about how the degree of grief is relative to the relationship you have with the person you lost. A person can have intense grief even for a close friend or a pet. Obviously, you had a very close relationship with your mum, and your pain, grief, sense of loss and time to heal are probably going to be longer and more difficult because of that. I remember when our first dog, Pug, died. We had her for about 6 years and we always took her to Don's parents' farm when we went to visit. She got a little too close to the road and got hit by a car. Don was not a crier EVER, but he cried over the loss of Pug and had a really hard time. Even worse, he felt guilty because he did not even shed a tear when his grandfather died, yet he was brokenhearted over the loss of Pug. You see, it's not the relation, it's the relationSHIP. Your relationship with your Mum, and many others here who have lost parents and had a hard time with it, was very special and very close. It's just going to take time, so don't beat yourself up over how you feel. Just try as hard as you can to keep your mind busy with other things - your new baby daughter, your husband, a hobby, a project. It's so important to keep your mind busy. You are still going to bounce around (believe me, I do a lot), but I have found that keeping my mind busy and staying focused on my goals, projects, other people, etc. really helps. I truly believe that it is about us controlling our thoughts and not letting them control us. It takes work, and it takes a strong desire to NOT be sad and NOT be depressed. More than anything, I don't want to be sad and depressed. I am bound and determined and have my heels dug in that I am not going to let sadness and depression rule my life. I pray with ALL my heart that you will be that determined. Focus on the wonderful life ahead for your daughter, her first tooth, her first word, her first day at school, her first bike ride, her first love, etc., etc. Wow, I'm sorry this is so long. People keep writing to me that I've been too quiet on the board, so I guess I just made up for it. You take care, honey, and write to me anytime you want. Tell Karen I said that goes for her, too. Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyS Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 Dear Jana, I am so sorry I missed your post; first of all, congratulations on your beautiful girl, secondly, I wish I could be there to give you a great big hug(()) I can't imagine what you might be going thru, but hearing your pain and sadness broke my heart and made me think of my mum, I just can't imagine her not in my life...I have sent a few pms to your sister Karen...please let her know I am thinking of you all and I just wish I could take away your pain Take care and don't hesitate to pm me if there is anything I can be of help with. Jenny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZRL2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl! I was 8 weeks pregnant when my mom died of sclc, and my son is 4 months now. In many ways his birth was a true blessing-he has brought so much joy to my father's life and to our family that I'm not sure how we would have survived the last year without my pregnancy and his arrival. On the other hand, it is extremely hard because every day I want to call her and ask her a baby question or tell her about something he did. Sometimes I just watch him and cry and cry because I know how much she would have loved him. Now that he is really smiling, sometimes I catch him staring at something (the wall usually) and he'll just start smiling. I say, "Are you smiling at Grandma? Is she being funny?" I like to think he can see her and I can't. Hang in there, PM me if you want to talk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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