I have been crying so much lately out of the blue

[Artloft]

as I am driving to work I start to remember the last few days. I am trying to fight the image or her frail body... in one week she looked as she had aged forty years..everyone in the hospital kept asking me if she was my grandmother and I would respond NO SHE'S ONLY 49!!! I know all of this I am feeling is part of grieving process but still it's been difficult. Are these memories from the last few days going to ever erase from my mind....... I keep driving them away by thinking of other funny moments but the images and memories seem to take over, when I go to the supermarket, to various places I would go to run errands for her... I have taken to not going out at all... specially the supermarket, I would go for her almost everyday...if I pass by the cheese or fruit section I start to cry ..right in the middle of the supermarket...imagine.... I never thought she would be gone so young and I can not beleive how much I miss her.... I guess one day I will stop crying, maybe I will run out of tears..... thanks for listening..alena

[Treebywater]

I don't know what it is about driving... it hits me then too.

And I have been replaying the last few days a lot myself... And I hate that. I want to think of Mom when she was healthy... but I keep seeing her in the hospital bed in her room not knowing who I was... and not able to communicate.

I want to say something comforting and helpful... but I don't know what I could say. Everything falls short for me.

I'm sorry you hurt. And I'm crying with you.

[Cindy RN]

Driving is hard-you are alone with your thoughts.

Put pics of her out when she was healthy. I read your post and realized I too am now 49. I am sure your mom would want you to remember her before the cancer. I know I would.

God bless

Cindy

[shelliemacs]

I replay my last moments with my mom and dad all the time. I told my mom I would be back in a few minutes and she died after I left the room. I stayed in my fathers hospice room for the 4 days it took him to cross over.

I was just saying to my co-worker yeturday, "how long did it take you to realize you can't call your mom anymore" now granted its been over 2 years for me already, but it still feels like yesturday.

time is all that will help. lots of time.

[Patkid]

We are so sorry for your pain and we are praying for you to find some peace in good memories.

It is so hard and so painful.

Love

Pat and Brian

[Ann]

I am so sorry for all pain you are dealing with right now. Grocery shopping was (and sometimes still is)very hard for me. It seems as I would always load up on things for Dennis that were right ath the front of the store...yogurt, pudding, jello. All of that hits me right when I hit the first aisle. Driving in the car always seems to set me off, too. Often, it's a song on the radio that triggers the tears. I think the car holds a lot of memories for me because Dennis and I spent so much time traveling to Orlando for his treatments. We live about 2 hours from MD Anderson in Orlando and there were times we would make that trip 3 times in one week. I hope life soon becomes easier for you and that you are able to reclaim only the good and happy memories.

[LynneH]

I am so sorry you are going through this pain. But perhaps it is helpful to know that a lot of us experience very similar moments. Perhaps we're "normal" and this is just the hard trip through the tunnel that we have to make to come out the other end?

Funny, both you and Ann mention the grocery store. It's been 6 months since Jim died and I didn't go to the grocery store for at least a month afterwards. Now, I go every 2-3 weeks when I HAVE to. I lived there before, usually shopping for his favorite foods, or for foods he could try to eat. I hate the grocery now. The car was a good place to cry where our loved ones didn't see us. Unfortunately, it still is a crying place for us.

Hang in there. Crying lets us get the loneliness, anger, fear, missing.......out of our bodies, even if for a short while. Just a crummy thing that "they" say we must do.

Take care,

Lynne

[Maryanne]

I am so sorry that you are going through this grief with the loss of your friend, Elizabeth whose life was cut short at a young age.

I pray for you to have some peace with this. It has been less than a month since she passed. Give yourself some time and know that it will get better.

You were a wonderful friend to take care of her and I know that she would not want to to grieve for her a long time. She would want you to move on with your life.

Hang in there, and know she is in a beautiful place full of beauty and peace.

It is always the hardest for the ones left behind.

May peace be with you.

Maryanne

[lilyjohn]

It is the things that we still have to do that are the hardest. For months I would cry everytime I went to the grocery store, Everytime I got in the car and everytime I went to Wall Mart or I would avoid those places. I would not go to McDonalds because Johnny loved to go there for a Big and Tasty and a Senior coffee.

When we lose someone we think it will be all of the big things in life that our loved one would have shared with us that will hurt the most. Then we learn in reality it is the everyday things that hold the most memories and are the hardest to deal with. It's been nearly 3 years for me and there are still times I cry doing those things. I can't see a full moon or listen to certain songs without the tears. Life does go on but it is not the life we knew or expected. Getting used to that is something that I wonder if we will ever really do.

You are in my thoughs and prayers. This new way of life is very new to you. I know how much it hurts.

I have been hearing a new song on the radio. I think it really says a lot. Part of it goes something like this "you were too young to die. It was like a story that was started and death ripped the pages away. I know no one can take your place and I can't tell you the hell that has put me through" Such truth in those words

[KC]

Alena,

I am so sorry for your loss, and so young too. It is very difficult to not replay those last days, nights, moments over and over again in your mind. It is normal. They will subside, I promise you. I did the same thing. It went on for a long time, I have to admit. I thought it would never end. There were days when I also felt like, "was my Dad really EVER here, or was it just a dream". There are so many emotions. It has been 1-1/2 years for me since he passed away. There have been times when I have been fine and then months where I would cry every day. You can't put a time period on grief. It just comes when it comes. But I do PROMISE you that those awful memories of the last days, months, pain will subside. They will. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but they will and you will be able to remember happier times. Of course there are times when those dark days creep back into your mind, but it is not nearly as often. I too felt like you did in the very beginning and I thought it would never end, although others told me it would. It does get better. You will be able to smile again when you think of the happy times. Give yourself some time and feel every emotion that you are entitled to feel. You have to live THROUGH it and by living through it you will begin to heal. I wish you comfort in the days ahead, Alena.

Much love,

Karen