Mom insisted on driving yesterday

[Mskim]

I was so frusterated. I knew she was having a day when I went to her house and she asked me not to act mad. Apparently I didn't have a happy enough look on my face and she was acting paranoid. I felt like telling her if this was how she was going to be today I'll go home and we can start again the next day but I held back, and tried not to notice how sensitive she was.

Anyway, we were going to the comissary grocery shopping (her idea) and she insited on driving. She was shaking and jerking and would drive slow and then fast and slam on her brakes. A few times I braced myself becasue she was drifting towards the curb. I was a bit scared. I suggested I drive home. By the time we left she was way worse and she again insisted on driving. This is with 2 of my kids in the car as well.

I felt like a guinea pig when I asked her why she insisted on driving she said she wanted to see if she could.

Here is my problem, if I take a hard line with her and insist on driving she get mad or cries. In some ways I feel she is manipulating me and knows it but on the other hand, maybe she doesn't know what she is doing. I have a hard time believing that.

What do I do? I know she is scared of becoming dependant and I have tried to convince her this is temporary but that doesn't matter to her.

I asked my husband and he said it's not like she will disown me, but I can see it coming up whenever we go somewhere and she wants to drive. I can only come up with some many excuses to take my car.

Sorry for the book. ;o)

Kim

[jean44]

Kim,

I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. I lost my Dad to lung cancer two years ago. He ended up with mets to his brain. The treatment had no positive results and he got worse. On the day he was diagnosed with the brain mets his doctor told him NOT to drive because of the possibility of seizures. It was a sad day for Dad but, fortunately, we did not have to force the issue. First and foremost you should have your children's safety as well as your own as your number one objective. I am sorry I don't have any answers for you but I know how hard the path you are on is to travel. Will keep your Mom, you, and your family in my prayers.

Jean

[SDianneB]

I used to have this same battle with my mother - in her late 80s and early 90s and still wanting to drive in the city! Ack!

We finally "solved" the issue by her having to move to an assisted living facility near Dallas, Texas where she wouldn't dare get behind the wheel to drive a car in that traffic.

But, whenever I'd go home, I'd let her drive a time or two just so I could watch her. She did pretty good in that little town where she lived, but it scared me senseless to think of her going into the city. On the one hand, I'd think that if she was going to die in an accident, so be it -- she'd at least go out doing what she wanted to do. But there are other people on the road, and she was putting them at risk as well as herself.

Now, my niece is having the same problem with her mother - my sister-in-law who we think is in early Alzheimer's. It isn't easy, but she says if she needs to, she'll go to court and have the car taken away from her mother.

Once when I was having PCI, I was stopped at a 4-way stop less than a block from my house. All of a sudden it was like I didn't know where I was. I felt really disoriented, then realized the street lights were out, and it was totally dark. DUH. But I was so tuned into being careful about driving, that it really scared me there for a minute.

Maybe if you just try and joke with her -- tell her you're there to drive Miss Daisy or something -- she'll take it better? Good luck to you, whatever you figure out to do. You have my sympathy -- and my best wishes that you can solve this in a way that is good for you all.

Di

[flwrjunke]

Kim,

I'm sorry to hear of your strugles in regards to your Mom wanting to driving. My Mom too "wanted to see if she could do it". I was luckly that I was able to talk her out of it. I told her that she needed to save her strength, since when she was tired she felt worse. I also told her that it gave me something to do and therefore I felt useful.

The key would be safety, hers, yours and the kids.

Patty

[mamasbabygirl]

Kim,

I am sorry you have to go through making these decisions, it all rings a bell with me, believe me!

I am pretty certain your mom will get it sonner rather than later, my mom did. Has the Dr. said not to drive?

I would certainly put my foot down if it involved my kids' safety. No questions. I would not go, period. I am not saying to take a hard ball stance and I know how touchy these things are with our moms. When I called my friend last night and told her about my mom not going to get checked out after a fall, she told me to just call the ambulance and get her transported to the ER. She may be mad, but she will get over it. It is so hard. We want them to be independent, but safe.

Hang in there, stand your ground and she'll come around.

[dchurchi]

Kim,

I deal with the same issue with my husband. He had mets to the brain followed by 10 WBR treatments and 16 additional treatments to the tumor itself. Both his medical and radiation oncologist told him the same thing, no driving. The other day he decided he wanted to "give it a try" went to the store and when backing out of the parking spot hit a pole and dented the entire passenger side of his truck. needless to say I was not very happy and let him know that if he hit a moving car and an attorney got hold of his medical records we would loose everything including our home. Well since then he has not even attempted or asked about driving, it was as if "God" gave him a little warning of what could happen.

I can not imagine how difficult it is on my husband being "trapped" at home all day and no longer being independant. He can not longer work and now can not drive. If need be you just might have to hide all the car keys from your mom, as you also need to worry about the saftey of others.

good luck to you and I will pray for your family.

Debbie

Husband Alan DX small cell lung cancer Jan 10th 2005

[ma's kid]

Kim,

Such a difficult situation for you both. Hopefully, now that she did drive she will realize it just isn't safe right now. Personally, as far as the kids being in the car...I would absolutely put my foot down and not allow it.

I think I would take a firm but gentle approach and frame it with lots of love and concern.

Maybe you can get her doc to say *no driving* for a while?

Hang in there, I know how trying and difficult this is for you.

Blessings

Libby

[eppie]

hide the keys....blame the mets. Say, Gee mom those keys must be somewhere,um, i dunno. be outta da house for the temper tantrum. Allow keys to be "found" when she is better.

I don't know if I would be brave enough to follow this advice. I don't think you'd let her drive your kids in the car drunk, would you? Well, friends don't let friends or parents drive with brain mets either.

God bless you and your family. May god in his mercy return your mom whole and in good health soon. Please forgive me for putting my .02 in. I mean no harm only safety.

Eppie

[autumnborn]

My sister called me to complain that our father wanted to drive himself to the doctor. She said it wasn't a good idea because his eyesight had gotten worse lately. I didn't think about it until I went to visit about a month later. There was Dad at the kitchen table reading a large print Reader's Digest with his glasses on and using a rather large magnifying glass to see the words. He must've made it to the dr.'s office by feel! He never drove again. Never asked for the keys

Hide the keys. If not for your mother, for the rest of the people on the road.

[Treebywater]

I know this must be so hard for you both. Your Mom wants to cling to her independence.... So much is out of her control already having this disease and this is just one more thing that she's losing... and you want to protect her, protect others, and especially protect your children.

I'm sure you are affirming her independence as much as possible. The roles get so confused when we go back to 'take care' of our parents don't they?

I'm wondering... is there someone kind of objective that could talk to her about it? Maybe even the doctor?

We're here. I know it's hard.

[shineladysue]

Hi Kim,

I know it must be heartbreaking and frustrating to see your mom this way . The problem is that most likely you can't reason with her. Whether her problem stems from the brain mets ,medication ,or both, the fact is your mom just isn't herself and she can't be reasoned with. Somehow, you need to have the doctor tell her she can't drive for now. Perhaps if she believes she can drive at some future time, she will be okay with it. BTW, I sent you that file on steroid psychosis. Hope you received it. Good Luck and God Bless you.

Love,

Sue

[Ann]

Kim, this must be so hear for you to deal with. I know that it is very hard for people to give up their driving. In a way, I think they must see it as losing their last real independence. Unfortunately, I think you will have to be the "bad guy" on this issue. If your mother was involved in an accident and harmed either herself or someone else, you would have a hard time forgiving yourself. I really liked the approach thet Deb used with Alan, by saying sn accident could cause them to lose everything if his medical records were examined. Maybe you could try that approach. Or maybe you could just tell her that although you and the children love her company, you can't go out with the unless she allows you to drive. I think this is going to be tough for you but I know you can do it! I'm sending lots of good vibes in your direction!

[KerryToo]

Kim -

I was in the exact same situation with my Mom. She was very stubborn about even discussing the issue of driving.

What I did was a little reverse psychology - I told her that the treatment, etc. had slowed her reactions and that I was afraid that "those other crazy, aggresive drivers" might cut her off and she would get hurt. The truth was that she was no longer able to drive safely, but by blaming it on someone else, she relented. What a relief!

And I second the comment that when it comes to having my kids in the car there is no way I would have allowed them to be endangered.

Wishing you the best,

KerryToo