Jump to content

A Daughter's Gripe


DeniseC

Recommended Posts

My mother was dx with lung cancer back in June, I find it very frustrating that when I tell people about her diagnosis the first question I am asked is "was she a smoker?" When I say yes I get the knowing nod, as if that explains why she got it. From what I have read smoking is not the only contributing factor to lung cancer. I am not condoning smoking but I sometimes feel as if people think that smoker's are more deserving of the disease. I feel like people don't ask women with breast cancer if they have breasts and then say ohhh well that explains it. Am I the only one who feels this way? :x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, Denise...you are certainly not alone! This is a topic that comes up on this board very often. Unfortunately, you have to develop a quick come back for the people that ask that question. Maybe, if we all try and educate the people that make these comments, the world will become much more knowledgeable about lung cancer!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

SOmeone on this board had said their favorite comeback (can't remember who :( ) and I use it all the time. When someone says "Did/does she smoke?" my reply is only when she is on fire. Some people look at me and are shocked at my answer they just don't know what more to say. Some laugh and I think some get alittle upset at my answer.

Heidi

Now who's ever line that was must come forward to get the credit :wink: I just love telling people that!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was asked that today, in fact.... and I tried something I'd never tried before (because the man was a man of God, and I figured he wouldn't beat me up or anything. ;)). I was just honest. I said--"The last question that anyone with LC or who has a family member suffering from it is the first one that always comes up. It's, "Did he/she smoke?""

"Why don't you like that question?"

"Well... It implies blame."

Now if you have a really awful person then they may go off on the blame game tangent. But reasonably nice and considerate people might stop and think the next time they here of an LC diagnosis.

((((hugs))))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There was a discussion about this just the other day on the NSCLC board.

My favorite response to any intrusive question is "why do you ask?" Then the person is going to have to explain why they felt the need to ask the question...puts them on the defensive, not you. You can then decide whether you want to spend your time educating the person or not.

In this case, the person may come back and make some comment about the relationship between smoking and LC, and you can ask back "do you mean that since my mom/dad smoked that they deserve cancer?" or you can explain how x% of people who never smoked develop LC, or how x% of people who do smoke never develop LC. It is up to you.

Sorry that you are going through this, but unfortunately it seems like most people do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unfortunately this is something that will come up in your life now. So many of us go thru this, and it is totally wrong. Look at the past posts for the last few days and you'll be "enlightened" about this subject. I hope your Mom will be feeling better soon. Remember, no matter what they have done/not done in the past, no one deserves Cancer. No one. We are here for you to talk, learn about this disease, support you when you're down, or for whatever else we can do to make this easier for you and your Mom. Keep your chin up!

Joanie

(3 1/2 year Small Cell Survivor)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My wife has been fighting for 2.5 years and a good friend of mine had the surgical removal of a tumour about a year ago. My wife and I smoked, Our friend did not smoke that is what i tell people. This disease does not discriminate and people need to know that. Did Dana Reeve smoke like Peter Jennings did? :?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's really a shame that some people have to place blame. Maybe, they think they won't get cancer if they blame it on one particular thing. I know it sounds silly but I am just trying to find a reason that people think that way. I pray that one day the stigma will be gone and instead of blame, we have empathy.

GOD BLESS!!

Jamie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hardly even get indignant anymore...I suppose I'm de-sensatized to the question. I use the "Why do you ask?" line a lot. It reminds me of the 80s, and people being diagnosed with AIDS. A friend was diagnosed w/ cervial cancer. She was afraid to tell people, b/c she was afraid people would ask her if she slept around.

People are so dang nosy. That, and they want to convince themselves that they aren't at risk.

:) Kelly

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Did she smoke, they want to know..

Try this one.

"yes. but, only after sex!" then watch their eyes pop out. :shock:

Then after you have them in shock, it might be easier to broach the subject about how hurtful it feels to have someone consider that the survivor somehow deserved this horrid disease because there was a transformation in some lung cells..etc...

People can be thoughtless.

Your Mom did not deserve this. No one does.

Cindi o'h

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do agree that when a lot of people ask the question "did she smoke" they are looking for a way to calm their own fears that they may be at risk. I have so many friends my age (late 30's) who may have smoked for 5,6,7 years and have stopped....as a result they somehow want to hear that they are "safe."...I think they WANT my mom to have been a heavy smoker....afterall if she smoked longer than they did...it somehow makes sense to them

NO ONE deserves this disease, smokers or non-smokers.

XOXOXOX,

Holly

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.