Shelly...where are you?

[natalie]

I haven't seen Shellymac post in a long time. Anyone have an update?

Shelly, I know that you were dealt with, yet again, some devastating news a few months ago and you seem to have disappeared since. I just want you to know that I'm thinking and praying for you and your sister and that we are here for you.

[shelliemacs]

My Friend,

jeez, this is my third attempt at writing a response. I keep erasing what I write because I hate how I sound, but here is the short of it...

I am mad, mad at doctors, mad at nurses, mad at Wonderful Mom, mad at my brave Dad, mad at my wonderful Father in Law, but mostly mad at Cancer.

It has changed me and not for the better. I am a sader, more cynical, more bitter and jaded person. Less optomistic, more of a realist. I either can't or don't want to come out of the depression that has overtaken me.

This time of year especially makes it worse. I am so jealous of people who can see their parents, or go Christmas Shopping with thier moms for silly stocking stuffers. Or call their dads and ask if they want another stupid tie for christmas as a joke. I can't see through the jealousy some times and I hate how I feel.

I find I can't respond much because I no longer share the hope and faith that is so needed here. I wish so badly I wasn't what I have become. I am only in my 30's and yet I am such an old soul inside.

I do read everyday. I share in the remissions, and hurt over the loss's. Its an ugly, neverending cycle, cancer filled world we here have fallen into and I fear there is no way out now.

The only good thing so far is that my sisters cancer appears to be in remission but at her double mastectomy incision sites, her skin isn't healing and she keeps getting Necrosis that are like open sores on her. She is having more surgery next week to try to cut away more of the dead/dying skin and hopefully close the wounds for good.

gosh, I didn't mean to unload like this, especially when all you were asking was "how am I".

I am alive, I am physicially healthy and I should be so grateful for that. I realize so many people have is so much worse than I do and I am wrong for how I feel, but I miss my parents so very much and It still hurts.

[Jyoung20]

Shelly,

I am so sorry you feel so lost. You have been through so much. Prayers coming for you and your sister.

GOD BLESS YOU!!!

Jamie

[bunny]

oh, hon. stop with the "shoulds". I'm so glad our friend went looking for you, and even happier you appeared. anyone would be having a hard time with the hand you've been dealt.

just know that you're cherished here. whatever we can do, we will. including prayer.

xoxo

bunny

[Maryanne]

Oh Shelly how can you say people have it worse then you? Yes, maybe the ones who are suffering with this disease. But you have been through an incredible amount of losses. Your mom, father, father in law (all to LC) and your sister at age 38 with Breast cancer. Who the hell would not be upset and depressed? My G-d I would probably feel the same as you.

But I hope you are getting help for your depression as there are drugs out there that can help you and professionls you can talk too. Or maybe there is a support group in your area that you can find. It really helps to talk to people who are going through what you are.

I feel so bad for what you are going through. I can't imagine the pain of going through all this in one family.

You have to try to dig yourself out of this hole that you dug. You can do this. You are a healthy young lady with a whole future ahead of you. I see that you are married, so you must do this for your husband and if you have children for them.

This is not healthy situation for you. Please get help.. I cannot stress that enough.

Don't hide from us as we love you as you are one of our members that was always there to help and support those in need. Let us help you now. You can vent and leave your frustrations out all you want here. Use our shoulders to lean and cry on.

Please please Shelly get help. There is help available to you, you just have to take the first step.

Thank you Natalie for posting and getting Shelly to come out of the shadows.

Shelly....please know that we care so much and please help yourself.

Maryanne

[natalie]

Oh Shelly...thank you for responding. I'm glad to hear from you.

I assumed you were angry because I would expect you to be. Don't apologize for unloading. I'm so glad you are getting it out. Maybe we can ask Katie and Rick to have a "vent, angry" Forum (j/k katie and rick). I sure would chime in too. I'm angry and cynical too and I haven't even had close to the amount of devastation that you have had. Maybe there is a bigger plan for you...maybe you need your time to grieve, be angry and cynical for a few years...and then find a reason behind it. You are a different person now than you were before...I know you grieve your old life. I think it's going to take a while to have that clarity of a purpose, but maybe you will be a better parent because of it, stronger marriage, have a clearer understanding of life, write a book about your experiences, grief counselor, motivational speaker or cancer activist. Your situation reminds me a lot of Caroline Kennedy's. You are a strong woman Shelly. You WILL get through this. Lean on that husband of yours. Maybe take a nature road trip together. Notice the color in the flowers, smell of some clean air...(I don't know, but in the movies it seems to help people feel more connected with heaven and their loved ones.) Please write your feelings and get it out. If you need to PM me your feelings, please do it. We are here for you anytime!

[Pamela]

I'm sorry for your pain. I don't want to sound glib or cynical, but you hurt because you love.

The only way to prevent the horrible pain, anger and depression you're feeling now is to harden your heart and refuse to love, forget how to care, stop wanting to make things better for others. But you aren't capable of doing that, no matter how hard you might try.

I have never met you and probably never will, but I respect you and admire you.

Sometimes I ask the question, "What would the world be like if everyone was just like me?" In your case, if everyone in the world was like you, it would be a kinder, more loving, safer place despite cancer. If you weren't around, what would cancer have been like for your mother, your father, your father-in-law and your sister? Worse, much worse.

Keep going, Shelly. You are a light in a dark place for people in this group, too.

Kind thoughts,

Pam

[Don Wood]

Shelly, so sorry you are in such a depression. I lost both parents when I was in my early 20's, and I wish I had known them for as long as you knew yours. I have been able to survive and live a life I think both of them would have been proud of == that is how I have honored them, and kept them alive in my life. I hope you soon will be able to make that journey as well. Best to you. Don

[Ann]

Shelly, it is so very great to hear from you. I can't even imagine being strong enough to get through everything you have been forced to deal with! I just want you to know that we all think about you so very often and miss hearing from you. I hope things begin looking a bit brighter for you. I know how depressing this time of the year can be. I lost Dennis just 10 days before Christmas and I so very much dread that time of year rolling around. My mom died on New Years Day and I lost my dad on Easter. So, you can see that I'm not a big fan of holidays, myself. I delinitely think it is a great idea to have a section for venting/yelling/screaming and pulling hair out...as long as it happens to be your own hair!!! I could really keep that forum hopping on many days! Just hang in here with us, Shelly and we'll all "cowboy up" together and make it through the holidays!

[berisa]

Shelly, yes you are right, to the extent we are total different, we are never the same as before. Our precious indeed was passed away. Nothing can compensate the loss, the emptiness in our heart, no one can ever replace them as they are too precious.

I am less optimistic than before, sometimes got confused about what life means, i have a little doubt of why God took my dad so early and how this was happened on him and us. I think I will never have the answer for the rest of my life. Sometimes I seem to understand why...everything is connected like cause and effect, understand this is life, this is the cycle. But I don't find anything that I can be happy with this fact. I became very paranoid that I am afraid that I have cancer!! Cancer does indeed affect me in a spooky way, it is like a poison that it lasts forever. Sometimes I rationally think, my dad smoked a lot, that's why he got cancer, it's normal right? Sometimes I think dad must be taking the cancer/disease for my young brother. God probably promised to Dad for this exchange that Dad paid for this price.

But sometimes, while I read the news about the longer life expectancy that people now have, I will think why dad not? I think I am angry with God, I know that even I know He is doing things that beyond our understanding. Like a angel against devil in my heart, always struggling!! Will I be punished by God then? I am waiting for the answer, I pray to God that asking him giving me answer in my life. I don't know to wait!!

I pray that you can know why also very soon. I think this is what we need! My thoughts are with you always my Friend!