end of MY rope

[kimmek]

HI all, well the time has finally come where I have to admit I cannot do this any longer. I need help. I am finding myself angry with mom for no apparent reason. I want her to do more, to try an exercise, to do ANYTHING but sit in her recliner as she has for 17 months waiting to die. I actually said to her yesterday when she complained of back pain and i asked if she had taken a pain pill, to which she said oh no i always forget about those, and i accused her of liking the pain, because then she felt justified in being "sick". Mom has never been one to want to know anything about her condition and i have been just the opposite and cannot get anough knowledge. Lately it is the COPD we have been dealing with as the cancer is still NED, but with this there are just not many things I can do to help her, its up to her. I just cannot watch her do nothing anymore and it makes me madder than ****.

I know have I made her totally dependant on me by doing things she should have been doing for herself, but I wanted her to focus on getting better, but she doesnt do that, she focuses on nothing but bad things and worries to the point it is unhealthy. She has known for months and months I wanted to go see my daughter who is about 3 hours away, and she has always found a way to get me not to go, sometimes ending up in the hospital from worring about me being gone for a day(and not even over night). Finally this past weekend i had made up my mind i was going no matter what, she was going to try to go, but as always she was just to "sick" to make this trip, and i think she thought I would not go also. The morning of, she calls me up wanting copies of all her meds etc...so she would have them if she ended up in the hospital while i was gone. Why would she even think about going to the hospital? But it is like that everyday, she is obsessed with going for tests, to doctors anything where there might be a chance that someone will tell her she is sick and dying. I know she is not healthy, but at this point not a one of her doctors feel she is at the "end", but will be before long if she does not make some drastic changes in the way the thinks and the things she does or does not do.

It has been almost 2 years since I have worked, and i truly cannot go another month with a paycheck, Mom helps me in anyway she can, but the fact is I have to do something with my life other than spend everyday day all day with her. She calls an average of 10 times a day, sometimes for no reason, actually most times for no reason. Thanks goodness for mobile to mobile minutes!!! I do everything for her, clean her kitchen, laundry,change her sheets, everything and i dont mind but it cannot be my life any longer. I have a 14yr old daughter who needs me as well. I have been offered a job to start November 7th making more money than i ever thought about with benifits that go into effect that very day. this is with a cable company and i have experience in the cable industry and I am just so excited BUT what do I do about mom. She says she wants me to have this job more than i do, and i believe her, but i know she is not gonna let it happen. Just the tthought that there is 5weeks of training 8-5 monday thru friday is freaking her out. Who will take her to doctors etc...Well i have spent the better part of 2 weeks gettign her in to see every doctor she has (all 8 of them) and got clean bills from them all, so really that should not be a issue. After the training it will be shift work, and as long as its not 8-5 any shift should leave me time to take mom to doctors etc. I have asked my best friend and her brother to drive her should she need to go anywhere and i will take care of her house, etc after work or on the weekend i guess. Medicare will pay for help since she is housebound(her choice) and have a doctors prescription, but she doesnt want a stranger to help her, she doesnt want anyone to help her but me. I cannot do it I need help!!!!

I love my mom more than life itself and there is nothing I wouldnt do, but i have to think of myself and my family too. If mom were at the point that she truly did need fulltime care from me I would in noway even consider going to work, but that is not the case. I just know though that i will start this job and she will make herself sick with worry about not being able to call me every 5 minutes to make sure her latest feeling or ailment is not life threatening, and i will be forced to quit. I see it happen anytime I want to do anything even go over to my best friends and visit for a hour, she finds a way to make me feel bad about it. Like if I am out I should be at her house. Im sorry for venting, but i am going crazy here and i hate being ugly to my mom, but i want her to be more independant while she still has that chance, just take a little initiative here in her care. Does this make me a bad person?

Kim

[RandyW]

Do you know of anyone who could recomend a part-time caregiver? My parents had a person who came in to do things for them until they were well enough to gert about on their own for a while after hospitalizations, when I could not be there for them. Could you check withyour Cancer center or church possibly for trusted individuals who could help for possibly enough time durin gthe day to let you get out of the house? Moms friends possibly? These are thoughts and ideas that I had and Maybe they will help. This person would be able to et you get out of the house for a few hours a day,to do things that you need to do. I Hope this helps and will say aprayer for you. Good Luck

[Jyoung20]

Kim,

I am sorry your feeling the way you do now. Does discussing these issues with your mom help any. Does she truly understand how you are feeling. Do you think depression could be an issue with your mom. I have been on Lexapro since I was diagnosed. I'm sure it's helping with the anxiety and depression related to having cancer. Maybe, talk to her doc about that!

Hope this helps. Keep your head up!!

GOD BLESS!!

Jamie

[bunny]

yup, kimmie, I know how you feel. there's this moment where you have to hand over the reins and it's SO HARD. you know the right things to do, honey. you are smart, wonderful woman. you just have to have faith that your mom is taken care of (as in, god), and do whatever footwork you need to set it up so you can get back to your life! home health aids, etc., therer are tons of resources. just ask for help. you'll get it.

and CONGRATULATIONS on that job! that's great!!

I also agree with Jamie, your mom needs to look at her end of it/emotional state. there are oncological social workers out there that are terrific - I've spoken with a woman from Cancercare several times (by phone, no charge, she didn't even really ask my last name!) and they are very helpful. Jamie, my mom is also on Lexipro. there's just nothing wrong with either you, Kim, or your mom needing help!

and we're here, for whatever.

love and hungs, sweetie.

xoxo

amie

[Ann]

Kimmie, I don't at all envy the position you find yourself it. I know, from experience, what a toll a demanding parent can take on you. From many things you said, you could have been talking about my own mother. You know, there are times and situations that caregivers cannot give up their lives to take care of a family member. I'm sure your mom realizes this and really does want you to have your life but at the same time I'm sure she will miss your help and company. Is there anything your mom likes to do (hobbies) that you could get her involved in to help occupy her time while you're working? Maybe a call to some of her friends with an explanation of the problem would help. You know, scrapbooking is a wonderful thing for people to get involved with, even on a very simple scale. Just remember that you are not to fell guilty about whatever decision you must make to better your own life. I know that is very easy to say, but it is true. I'm so happy about the wonderful job with benefits! Go for it!!!

[Connie B]

Oh Kimmie, I read your post over and over and the only thing that keeps coming to mind for me is:

CONTROL, CONTROL, and MORE CONTROL!!

Your mom is in TOTAL CONTROL of you and your life!

I'm sure she loves you, and without a doubt your love for her shows through a very much, but honey you need to take a break and you need to get some of your life back!

I hope you will take that job. It sounds wonderful and something you are really looking forward to.

Mom WILL ADJUST! She may not like it, but she will make the best of a bad situation. (her thinking?!?!)

I know what it's like to have a mother who is in total control. I LOVED my mom with all my heart, and I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her, and she loved me more then life itself, but I had NO IDEA how much control she had over me for 90% of my life, and how much I let her have that control.

YOU NEED HELP with your MOM!

If she ends up in the hospital when your visiting your daughter, tell mom to make sure she calls you if she has to go in so you know what it going on.

Give her all her Reports and tell her you'll see her after your visit. At least you know while she's in the hospital she will be cared for. Is there SOMEONE else that can help? Friends, family, neighbor's ANYONE???

I think she has you on one HELL OF A GUILT TRIP! At least that' what it looks like to me. And by doing that, she is in total control!

This is NOT to say she is a bad mother by NO MEANS, but it's hard to live with ANYONE who is controlling be it mother, father, spouse, etc. IT's YOU that has to take back some control of your life. It's you that has to hand her the reports and get her settled in and walk out the door to see your daughter, and say, I'll see you when I get back mom. She'll be fine without you for a day or so I'm sure.

Have someone check on her now and then.

Having her sick only adds to her control and your guilt. You STILL have to take care of YOU FIRST!

Go take that job and lay some rules down with mom regarding your working. All this can be done in a kind loving manner. You can do it and we're here for you when you need an ear.

[kimmek]

You all are so right but Connie you got head on. My Mom had always wanted andhad complete control of my life. When she and my dad divorced 22 yrs ago, she made it her mission to care for me and my kids. ALthough she means well she is not happy unless she is in complete control of my life, its like she wants me to fail so that she can pick up the pieces and feel needed. And the role has changed, it is me taking control of her. But she still hangs on to everything she can. Like did you pay this or that? Im 43 yrs old I know the rent is due on the 1st, but she still feels the need to make sure i know this. I have been in charge of her checkbook for awhile now and she drives me crazy about it, but yet she wont do it herself.

She has no friends really, maybe one or 2 she talks to every 5 or 5 months from when she worked, she never had time for friends even when she was well, always just me and my kids. Never even went out on a date after her divorce. And would lay down and die if i mentioned a counselor or anything. I do good to get her to take Paxil. She is not depressed she says, i KNOW different, but what do you do? Her anxiety is totally out of control and it is so unlike me mom as she used to be the strongest woman i knew. She has already been worring about going to my brothers house for christmas, rather than tell him she cannot come she will stress about it until the day of. or make her self even more miserble and go anyway.

There is a brother and SIL near and her mom, but grandmom is in chicago till the first of the year. Thats it as far as help, and i do not think she would let a stranger in her home, maybe a nurse, but not anyone lesel, she would think they were robbing her if she was in the living room and they were changing her sheets or something.She obsesses about things like that, to the point she really believes them.

Oh well, I will just have to see what happens and pray for they best. In a way i think that this may be the very best thing for her. If she is forced to do more for herself then she will do more. Just gonna keep my toes crossed it all works out for us all.

Thanks for caring

Kim

[Connie B]

Okay Kim, is your mother's name Lorraine? That was my mom's name and holy crap your mom sounds a LOT like my mom was.

Well sadly enough I think you and I could talk and compare notes forever, but I won't bore all these wonderful people with my past life issues.

Your mom has no one because she made you her mission in life. Kinda what my mom did. I was divorced and my three older sisters weren't. I had two kids to raise and a house payment and car payment etc.etc. etc. Life wasn't always easy for me, but by golly I did okay providing for my kids and me and I worked very hard at doing that.

Well, my mom was the strongest person I knew as well, and then one day she became a person I never thought she would become, DEPENDENT UPON ME! TO this day, I have NO clue how that happened, and no it wasn't when she became sick. IT was years before that.

None the less, you have your work cut out for you, and it's not going to happen over night. As much as you may THINK you have control, I'm sorry to inform you, she's still got more control then you do! But, it's always easier to be the person on the outside looking in. We tend to see clearer then the one that is living it.

You can do this. It's just going to take time. I might add at this time it's not MOM who needs to see a counselor. I think you would be the one to benefit from that more then she would. Hang in there. It's very hard to take back control, but I'm living proof it can be done very nice and painless to you and to her.

[Don Wood]

Kim, sorry you find yourself in this situation. You need to take care of your own life, and I think taking the job will be good for you, your daughter and your mom. No one can control us unless we agree to it. You have to get over the "dutiful daughter" syndrome and do something for yourself and your daughter. You are a good daughter regardless of the guilt your mom tries to put on you. I hope you have the strength to "wean" your mother off you -- this relationship is not healthy for either of you. Take control of your life! Don

[Ry]

Take the job! If you don't do anything else....take the job. The rest will fall in place. Good luck!

[Connie B]

A Big DITTO what Ry said! TAKE THE JOB!!!!

[kimmek]

I am gonna take it!!! I have to for my own sanity. I have actually told myself all day today that yes, it will all work out, i have friends that offered to do anything i need including driving my mom to doctors or whatever. She will either accept this help or figure out how to do it on her own. Someone for me to talk with is the first thing I am going to look for with my new insurance thats goes in effect Monday!! I still cant believe that, full benefits from day one.

Connie, yes we will have to continue our conversation in a PM, i would love to compare notes, because i just knew I was the only one with a Mom like mine, none of my friends Moms grew up to be anything like mine.

Take care all and thanks

Kim

[Fay A.]

I'm reminded of the story where the little boy cried "Wolf" so often no one believed him when the Wolf was at the door....

Take the job, and buy a copy of the child's book about the boy and the wolf. Give the book to your Mom, along with a card that says, "I love you; I'll still spend time with you because I love you. But I cannot spend every single moment of every single day with you at this time."

[kamataca]

Kim,

First of all, you are awesome! You have so much going on in your life, and you always have such positive words for the rest of us.

It sounds to me like your mom's behaviors are NOT cancer-related. You need to give yourself a break and hop off the guilt trip. WE can love our flawed and human moms, but we do not have to let them control us.

I hope this gets better quickly for you. I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough to vent! I know I always feel better after a good rant. I hope this new job works out well for you.

Kelly

[mamasbabygirl]

Kim,

I also caregive for my MIL, who is a very helpless woman, always has been. She lives with us, so we receive all sorts of materials about caregiving. We got a piece this week talks about how important it is for caregivers to set limits with their loved ones, such as doing things they can do themselves.

I did want to add one thing-it seems that you are becoming angry with your mom because you feel guilty. I have had a counselor tell me that the anger just masks the guilt I felt for not giving into MIL's every whim and there is room for guilt when you are caregiving.

I think that the decision to take the job is a good one and kind of like a fact of life. You have to take care of you and your kids financially. Try to think of it as a must-do, rather than an out of taking care of your mom. Things will fall into place, there will surely be some bumps along the way, but it will work out.

Hang in there..

[Teacake]

My sister and I had been our mother's "go-to" persons for just about everything; medical, gossip, errands, financial, getting dead animals out of the road, calling others to tell them things she wanted them to know, etc, etc, etc. I was a bit more available as I didn't have children. I then went through a divorce and just about lost control of myself. I flew the coop with the explanation to Mama that I couldn't be good for anybody else until I saw about myself. I had never put myself first before. Lo and behold, Mama perked right up and got a lot better.

Ry's post says it all. Take the job and don't think twice about it. The rest will take care of itself. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!! You will probably find that you and your mother might actually enjoy each quality time together rather than just sick or anxious times.

[J.C.]

Kim,

I think that the job offer landed in your hands

as a life saver and moral saver, take it and

go from there.

It is not the amount of time given to a very

demanding person that count as much as time

given when it is really needed.

Your mother will have to learn the difference

and will get better by it.

You will find that working will help you so

much to get from under the weight of obligations

that your mother puts on you.

Best to you and your mother.

Hugs

J.C.

[jorja]

Hi Kimmie,

I know exactly how you feel. No matter what you need to take that job. The "guilt" trip is the worst and mom's have a special way of making you feel that way. It drives me nuts! You have your own daughter to look after. Your mom has to learn that you still love her even if you start living your own life! and don't let her make you feel any different!!!

My heart goes out to ya..

love,

jorja

[Leslie221]

Kim,

Sounds like you're getting on the right track - taking the job - and maybe you already feel a little relief because of that.

I know, though, how hard it is to break free of the ties that bind you to a lifelong belief that you are responsible for your mom's happiness. And the healthier and more independent you get, emotionally, the harder your mom will try to hang on at first. Resist the impulse to return to the old way of doing things and feeling about yourself. Change is scary and controllers know exactly how to make your lip quiver and your knees buckle. ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER, ONE DAY AT A TIME and you'll get the life you want.

You may not be able to get your mom to a counselor, as you say. But, I've found over and over that going to a counselor yourself will do wonders for you and your ability to resist her control.

And, if you need another reason to change this situation, just think what an outstanding and valuable gift you'll give your own daughter - she'll use you for a healthy role model and have a happier, more successful life herself!

Here are some caregiver sites that may offer some support and advice, too! Wishing you all the strength in the world, Kim! You can make this change! It's never too late to change your life.

Leslie

Home-Aid Caregivers L L C

(903) 533-1300

Tyler, TX 75701

http://www.bymyside.com/caregiver/connect.jsp

http://familydoctor.org/719.xml

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/NWS/conte ... egiver.asp

[Maryanne]

Thinking of you Kim and I am so glad you are taking the job. It will take some getting use to on both your parts, but it will work out.

Good luck to you, and keep us posted on how things are working out.

Maryanne

[Miami Janet]

Hi Kim,

I can sympathize with you as I was caring for my Mom in my house for 1 year...while I wouldnt trade that time It was a big strain on my whole family financially and emotionally. Now she is in her own place but since she has gotten worse...in good part because like your Mom I think she just lays in bed and waits to die. This has made her super weak and she now requires 24 hour care. My brother and I cannot be there every minute so we hired someone..it costs a fortune but it was a big relief to go visit when it was convenient instead of rushing aroung. Mom had savings that she never spent on herself so no it helps a lot. Medicare also provides help but not all day. My Mom also didnt want anyone...I was scared to bring the women over but she has turned out to be great. Now Mom will only do things for the aide, nurse, Pt etc If I say ..lets do some exercise she says no.I dont think this helps you much as I am lucky my Mom has the money to pay these people because I dont, especially after not working to care for her last year. May be it will help to know we are in somewhat of the same boat...Janet

[Don M]

Hi Kim: I am glad also that you have decided to take the job. Everything else will fall in place as Mrs Ry said.

Don M

[lilyjohn]

I lived 2500 miles from my mom when she got sick. I went for a visit not knowing how bad she was and ended up staying for over 2 months. If my husband and I wanted to leave for a while either my mom or my dad would suddenly have a problem. I really felt guilty because I was so far away most of the time.

I cleaned and scrubed and did all of the things Mama hadn't been able to do for a long time. After a while I needed a break but like your mom does you I always got the guilt trip. If I stayed home they both slept all day but they wanted me there. One night we were at my brothers house and my dad called. He needed us home right away because Mama was coughing up blood. He made it sound like it was really flowing. We all rushed home my brother as well as us only to find that it was the same as it had been for over a month.

I think when a parent faces their mortality they want to hold on to those who they feel closest to. In the process they end up causing a strain in your relationship. You have to do what is right for you. As you have already said this job is probably the best thing for your mom as well. She needs to get up and get moving. If you do everything she has nothing to do but sit and think about dying. Let her do what she is capable of and lend a hand when you have time.

Being under anyones control is bad for both of you. Go for that job and don't worry about your mom she will adjust. She will have no choice and that may be just what she needs.

[Guest]

I beleive that we can receive blessings even from the bad things that happen us. Your mom's cancer and heath issues have just highlighted the problems your relationship has probably always had. Now is the opportunity to fix that, so you both can be full, complete happy independent people and find deeper love and respect for each other than before, without resentment and criticism. You will be teaching your daughter some great stuff if you go ahead and take that job and work out a truly balanced relationship with your mom. In my estimation you will all benefit from the experience even if the change starts out with a bit of painful ajustment(mostly on your mothers part). Onward and upward!