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More Denny Crane Quotes


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Paul: Denny, the lawyer who got the T.R.O…

(Denny looks at him)

Paul: On the Caneb Construction project…

Denny: Ah, pay him out Paul. Give him a bottle of scotch and some money to buy some more bus bench ads.

Denny: Is it a score? Was I not there enough?

Donny: Were you not there enough? Dad, I haven’t seen you in 15 years.

Denny: I may not have had the time to give that most dad’s had, but I thought I was giving you something more important…money.

Denny: Sally that was not a pleasant meeting. Typically when associates are unhappy, I give them a hug.

Sally: I don’t want a hug Mr. Crane.

Denny: Okay. May I have one?

Dr. Lee: And who is the current President of the United States?

Denny: That would be Earnest Borgnine.

Denny: Hell if I had a nickel for every woman I’d promise to marry in exchange for sex…actually I do.

Gil Furnald: I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. It's not a sexual turn-on, it just feels right sometimes.

Denny: So, basically you're a sicko.

Gil Furnald: I'm not sick.

Denny: Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying?

Gil Furnald: My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay.

Denny: Well are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Denny: I'm an ex-marine. I was a trained sniper, or was it a pilot?

Denny: My balls hurt.

Alan: Let's have that be the one and only time you tell me that.

Denny: Lock and load. Where is everybody?

Paul: This is an administrative meeting Denny.

Denny: Oh! Then what the hell am I doing here?

Shirley: Remember the good ole days when you liked to know what was going on? When you could go from your office to the elevator without a roadmap?

Denny: Didn't need a roadmap to find my way around your body, did I Shirley?

Shirley: I wouldn't know. I was usually asleep.

Denny: I once had her... and Streisand… at the same time. Remember that?

Shirley: Hahhh, I do Denny. Ha ha. And not to burst your bubble but that was a female impersonator. Perhaps the penis might have been your cue.

Alan: First of all, the idea of giving representation to that thug…

Denny: Alan, c'mon we hate all our clients. It's good to hate, allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.

Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: What if somebody wanted to get frozen to avoid the draft?

Denny: Let him move to Canada, freeze his balls off.

(Judge James Billmeyer looks at him)

Denny: Denny Crane!

Denny: Not everything is about money, Shirley. Sometimes sex counts, too. It used to count with you. One minute you couldn't get enough of me, the next you lose interest. What happened, Shirley? I need to know.

Shirley: They invented color television.

Denny: You and me. In my office. Gimme 2 minutes.

Shirley: If you could last 3 I might consider it.

Denny:: My God, you're even more striking in person.

Kelly: Who is this man? And why is his face about to explode?

Alan: Kelly Nolan, this is Denny Crane. Success has caused his head to swell.

Denny: When a beautiful woman says, ‘get me off’, you ‘get her off’, Shirley, it’s as simple as that .

Denny: (to Kelly) I'll visit you in jail. Conjugal.

Denny: I'm sorry your honor. I have mad cow disease. I think you do too.

Alan: I just caught Tara laughing with another man.

Denny: Are you sure they weren't just... kissing or something?

Denny: I came out here to enjoy nature not the enviornment.

Environmentalist: Excuse me. Are you Denny Crane?

Denny: Yes I am and I am not your father.

Denny: I heard about Tara. I feel you're hurt.

Alan: What's most upsetting, Denny, is I don't hurt.

Denny: So I don't have to hug ya and tell ya I'm there for ya and all that crap.

Alan: We can skip it.

Congressman Jacobs: Raymond Jacobs, you handled my first divorce 15 years ago. My wife's name was Lois.

Denny: I remember.

Congressman Jacobs: Why wouldn't ya. You slept with her.

Denny: Only after the divorce was final.

Denny: I still am Denny Crane.

Denny: I wish I was never great . . . because I remember.

Denny: I can’t be sure, but in the middle I think I actually felt smoke coming out my *ss.

Denny: My New Year's resolution...is to appreciate my friends every day and catch more fish.

Denny: First of all, I haven't had sex with a camel since I was in the Army. And the camel never complained.

Denny: She’s always ogling me.

Shirley: Yes, putting reality aside…

Denny: I have nothing against marriage. I've done it five times.

Denny: I actually begin my dates by putting cash right on the table.

Alan: And that works?

Denny: With the hookers.

Denny: I'll take a friend over a wife every time.

Denny: (to Shirley) You'll have sex with me. C'mon, at least pet the musket.

Denny: I’ve often found that it’s the chubby girls who offend most easily.

Denny: Alan, I've loved you like ah...

Alan: Sister?

Denny: We're Americans. And to be critical in a time of war,... even the Democrats are smart enough to keep their mouths shut on this.

(Denny walks into costume party wearing the same flamingo costume as Alan.)

Denny: Tried it on. Looked good. Kept it on. Doesn't mean I forgive you.

Alan: Got it,...you look good in pink.

Denny: Not having sex with you.

Alan: Just the same.

Denny: (to Judge Harvey Cooper) You're a douche bag. I don't do well with douche bags.

Denny: It's fun being me. Is it fun being you?

Alan: Most of the time.

Denny: Then what else is there?

Alan: Indeed.

Denny: Hey kid, front and center. I bet you'd lick my shoes for a murder case, wouldn't you?

Garrett: Oh, I would, sir.

Denny: Because I like you, you don't have to lick them. Just dust them with your sleeve.

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