feeling a little better, something special to share

[lilyjohn]

I am feeling a little better today. It is a combination of several things that have picked me up a little. I'm still deeply grieving the loss of my friend and very worried about the pastor's wife who is really not doing well. She had a solid week of chemo and is home with white cells so low she can't have any visitors.

This time of year I have so many bad memories of Johnny's last days. Each date haunts me with those memories but today was the aniversary of a special day or I should say evening.

Johnny was a very talented man. He had a terrific voice and was able to write a good song about just about anything. Everyone who knew him when he was young thought that someday he would be a big name in Coountry music. For years he had not even listened to his music because his ex wife couldn't stand it and would give him such a hard time that he just gave it up.

While we were together I got him interested in country music again. He had heard a song by Travis Tritt one night on television and really liked him. I made up my mind that the first chance I had I would by him the CD.

That Sunday November 17th his youngest son was supposed to come for a visit. I was desperate to get to the store and get a few supplies. We were running out of everything encluding toilet paper. I couldn't leave him alone and there was no one to stay with him. We waited all day for them to show up and he was getting very upset because they were so late.

Finally about 4:30 in the evening they got to our home. I was really mad when the first words out of his mouth was an excuse to leave early. I huried to leave and do my shopping. I kissed Johnny goodby and then he stopped me. He gave me some extra money and told me to get a dozen roses. Six for him and six for me.

I was in Wall Mart shopping and just couldn't wait to get back to Johnny. I found everything we needed and the CD the last thing I picked up were the roses. On the way home I stopped at KFC and got us some fried chicken dinners. I was almost home when I heard sirens. I was terrified because on witnessing one of his anxiety attacks his son had told me that he wouldn't know how to handle one and would just call 911.

It seemed to take me forever to get through the traffic and home to Johnny. Everything was fine and his son left soon after I got home. We had our dinner and then I put the CD on.

We were sitting on our love seat holding hands and listening to the music. After about 4 songs played one came on that got his attention. He put the foot rest down and leaned forward. Then he had me turn the music up. With each line of the song he would squeese my hand and turn to me and say "that's you". The song is titled "I've seen everything".

I've seen everything

I've watched an acorn turn into an oak tree

I've felt the passion of a whippoorwill's call

I've seen a flower bloom in the dessert

But a woman so true loving me like you do now I've seen it all

I've seen the faces they chiseled in mountains

Marveled in wonder at stars when they fall

I've watched the sunset slip into the ocean

But a woman so true loving me like you do now I've seen it all

I feel so unworthy of all that you give me

I could die happy just knowing I am your man

I'm so undeserving I just stand here in awe

That a woman so true loves me like you do

Now I've seen it all

I feel so unworthy of all that you give me

I could die happy just knowing I am your man

'cause you find perfection where others see flaws

Yes a woman like you loving me like you do now I've seen it all

That was so typical Johnny. He was always saying that he didn't deserve me or the things I did for him. He had been treated so dirty for much of his life that he had no idea the value of his own worth. Despite all of the mistakes I had made and the things that I had missed that could have helped him there he was telling me those special words described me

Just 3 days later he entered the hospital and never came home. The memories of that night and that song are two things I will always treasure.

Remembering that this morning helped me get started. I actually kept waiting all day to hear that song on the radio even tho I have never heard it played anywhere except on that CD. Needless to say I was disappointed.

Then my boss called me. She is setting it up for me to have more time with my special lady. It seems that she will just not co operate with any of the other caregivers. Her son is concerned and wants us to spend more time with her. Sense she likes me and will work with me I will be going to her for more hours.

I got to her house today and she was much better than last Friday. We got her a nice long shower and I lotioned her face and legs and brushed her clean hair. She was in a great mood and glad to see me. I fixed her a big meal and she ate every bite. She has not been eating for the others. I found that the yeast infection that I worked so hard to clear up when I first started with her is back. I doctored it with some special medicine and am very glad that I will be there often enough to keep up with that. While I was working with her she repeated what she always says. She is 92 and she tells me that I am a good mother

I felt really good about her when I left and I had something else to feel good about. I have a couple of Saturdays comming up and some extra overnights. They won't solve all of my money problems but they sure will help. I guess I am paranoid because I keep wondering what will happen to take it away from me.

Any way I got home feeling better and when I walked it the door I had a real surprise. There was a very strong smell of roses in my house. I have no roses even blooming right now. It lasted for only a couple of seconds and I have told myself that I just imagined it but I know that is not true. I did smell those roses. Could that be Johnny telling me that he remembers too?

So tonight instead of sitting down here doing nothing I bathed Misty and then I cooked myself a good meal of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, greenbeans and stove top stuffing.

I don't know how long this will last but with all of those other dates lying ahead of me and so many people I care for suffering it was sure good to get a break. Maybe that will give me what I need to get through the next 14 days.

Thanks for putting up with me. I know that I am long winded or fast fingered, however you want to put it. Lillian

[Connie B]

Lillian,

Having and living with lung cancer is as you know sad enough, let alone all the other sadness your having to deal with with and after losing your Johnny.

I really want to encourage you to look into a Greif Support Group or talk to a pastor, or look into some grief counseling. Ther are some places that will offer help according to your income too.

You need some positives in your life, you need something that will make you feel happy, even if it's a couple hours a day.

I can't be the only person here that see's your headed into a state of depression that I don't think any of us here are capable of helping you get through this.

I'm very sorry you have all this heartache and sorrow in your life, but please consider getting some help too.

You might even want to look on the Internet for Grief Support Groups. I believe they have them and that could help.

Best wishes,

Connie

[Ann]

Lillian...as always, I am so very proud of you for picking yourself up by those boot strings of yours and getting back into this journey called life. I can't even imagine how very hard all of these things have been on you. Most of us, including me, would have already tucked out tails between our legs and run home. You have had a very tough life and losing Johnny just seemed to be the turning point. You stayed in an unhappy marriage for way too many years, just to please others. You know, you and I have talked so many times about how we can't seen any reason that God would have taken either Johnny or Dennis from us. Well, I think neither of us have found an answer but your case has definitely proven that God is real and loves us more that we can ever understand. Just think....after all those years, God allowed you and Johnny to be together. I can probably guess that having that happen was a real prayer answered for both of you. By giving you a second chance with Johnny, God also gave you a reason to be strong enough to leave a very bad relationship. Johnny gave you love, Lil but he also gave you so very much more. He opened doors for you that you might never had the courage to open by yourself. I am so glad you made those decisions. God was there beside you then and he's right there with you now. Just try and relax and let things fall into His hands for a while. I know you started writing a journal, as I did. Just flip back to three years ago and read your words. Then, fast forward to today and you will see how much stronger you are. Think of all the new friends you have made. Life still has its bumpy roads....but you and I are 4 wheel drives....we'll get down that road, come hell or high water! Lil...I don't think you're headed for depression....I think you're on your way out!!!

[nancy c]

Lil, I think you are doing great. Look at you...getting up everyday..working your tail off. You have good work ethics, and morals. I think you always think of others first. You are a wonderful, giving person. God puts us on this earth to accomplish what we can. Lil, you have done so much..and many times with so little. Sometimes, we have to put ourselves first...and I think that is hard for you. Sometimes, it's hard to take care of ourselves first...when we are so used to giving instead of receiving. You are a true angel. Take care of you. You deal with life's troubles daily and do a damn good job of it. I am proud of you. You will be repaid for all your kindness and love. God bless you, Nancy C

p.s Keep your head up

[lilyjohn]

First of all I want to thank all of you Katie,Ann, Nancy and Connie. It has been and is a rough time in my life but I have had them before and somehow I have managed to get through them.

Believe me Connie when I say that I have thought about all of the things you said many times in the past 3 years. I know that I grieve for Johnny all of the time and being seperated from my family especially this time of year is not easy.

Right now it is impossible for me to get any kind of counciling even if it were free. I just don't have the time. I work six or seven days a week and don't get home until nearly dark. I don't drive after dark because my eyesight won't allow it.

The two people who I would ordinarily talk to are actually part of my upset right now. My rock sense Johnny's death has been his niece Pam. She lost her mom last week and has a lot of her own to deal with. We try to help eachother but time and circumstances have taken their toll. The pastor and his wife are dealing with her cancer right now and things are not going well. I worry about them and would never bring up my heartache of those I have lost to cancer to either of them. It is just too close to their situation.

If I was ever to really go over the edge into the abiss it would have been right after Johnny died. I was alone in a place that I had only been for a few months. I had only been seperated from my family for a few months and it was the holiday season. I couldn't eat or sleep for months and had to make some very hard decisions. I was also fighting trying to get some justice for Johnny and running into roadblocks everywhere I turned. It would have been so easy to just give up but something kept me going. I know that it was Johnny's love.

For all of the years that we were seperated I never thought about him if I could help it. When memories of him came I pushed them away. It was just too painfull. Still somewhere deep in my heart I knew that he was out there somewhere and that he loved me. It was knowing that that gave me the strength to survive so many of the hardships and heartaches in my life.

Soon after his death when I found myself with the world pulled out from under me strange things started to happen. At first I thought that I was losing my mind in my grief. Then others started sharing some of those experiences with me. I could no longer deny them. That is when I first realized that like all of those years apart Johnny is still out there somewhere and he loves me. That gives me the strength to pull myself back from the edge time and time again.

Yes Katie my job at times can be a real emotional strain but it also gives so much back to me. I care a great deal for the people I care for. Helping them helps me. Sometimes that almost makes me feel guilty because they give me so much. I wish that I could afford to do what I do without pay but I can't. Instead I try to give a little extra hoping that will make up for all I get from them.

Life is far from perfect but each day I get something from my surroundings. I live in a very small and beautiful place. Last year fire swept through here and destroyed a lot but it did not take the beauty away. Each day as the sun rises over the mountains my heart rejoicies in the beauty of nature. I look for the changing seasons and in them I see the pattern of life. I know that despite everything I am blessed. With all of that, the people who have become my friends and all of you on this message board I have much to be thankful for. I know too that my family is well and happy and they love me. Add the knowledge that Johnny is never really far away and how could I not bounce back

So again I thank all of you. Your words mean more than you will ever know. God is good and life tho imperfect is much to special to miss out on. I intend to make the most of every minute.