How to help?

[sharonharr]

I don't know how to start. My brother was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer(non-smoker) with mets to the bone, liver and brain back in June of this year. It was a major blow to the family already having lost 2 other family members to cancer. It has been an up and down battle, we have had great scan results but have suffered complications with the chemo, radiation etc. What I am looking for is help on how to deal with the emotional side of this, I am scared my brother is giving up despite the positive scan results. Do you push or do you just believe that your loved one knows when enough is enough. I am not ready to give up but i also know that is not my decision. I just want to make sure that i do and give everything I can, I want him to have the best chance possible. I feel as if I am rambling but I need to know if anyone can help?

[Kasey]

Hello Sharon,

There are many people here to help you with answers to your questions. However, you must help us out first. We need to know your brother's profile. If you look underneath our names you see a dx with tx and all pertinent info. Please do that and then the help will come pouring in for you.

I am so sorry about your brother's dx. There are many here who have gone through various treatments. Do not lose hope.

Kasey

[shineladysue]

Hi Sharon,

As Kasey has said, the more we know about your brother's case the better for us to be able to help you. As you look around and read all the profiles here, you will see that there are many treatments and options available . The one thing I guess you can do is to make him aware that these options do exist. There's so much information here , as well as hope , and support. Looking forward to knowing you better.

Sue

[Don Wood]

Let your brother know how you feel, and then let him know you support whatever decision he makes. He needs both from you. Don

[Treebywater]

I'm so sorry that your brother is having to fight this fight.

What I would say given the information that you've given us is do as Sue said and make sure he knows that there are options available, and help him to sort through those options. Let him know that you stand by him no matter what. Be a person of hope when you are with him. Believe that he can beat this, and let him know that you believe that.

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't also be a sounding board when he needs to talk about how defeated, or weary, or tired, or angry, or depressed he feels. All of those feelings are going to come up and they are normal, and you want to be careful that you let him know that you recognize the validity of all of those... but still have hope.

Keep coming back here. There are lots of good people, with amazing insight and encouragement.

Hang in there, and know that we're here.

[Connie B]

I too am sorry to hear you had the need to find us, but as always, I am glad you did.

When you say his scan's are great, what do you mean by that? Is his cancer stable? Kasey is right when she asks for more info from you. The more info we have, the better we can help. Just a clearer picture please.

What problems is he having because of his treatments?

Does he have a wife, or other family that is also part of his caregiving team or you his only caregiver?

I'm also sorry to hear you have lost others in your family to cancer. Sadly enough, that's not uncommon. I know that only to well.

I also agree with what Don Wood said, about telling your brother how you feel and let your brother know you are supporting his decision. This really is his decision.

Good luck, and God Bless.

[Ladyintheglen]

Hello Sharon,

We do need more info. That being said....this is how I am handling this wretched disease with my husband. I have told him from the start that I will do all the research that he needs so that he can make an informed decision about treatments. He doesn't want to know all the details about his cancer so I carry the details. I've told him that if he wants to know something, ask me, but don't ask unless he wants to know the truth. I will not lie to him. I have also told him that this is his battle. I will be right beside him, but he needs to make the battle plan. I think this helps him to have some kind of control in a world that makes him feel that his body is out of control. He has a choice to fight or if he chooses he can retreat for a time to gain strength. I will support whatever battle plan he sets. That includes if the time comes that he feels enough is enough. I will do whatever I need to do to make sure he is not in pain. Our doctors are fully aware of this and do not like my temper tantrums. These are my promises. This is our way of battle. Yours may be different from everyone else. That's ok. This is very personal. Some days your brother will feel defeated. Encourage him and support him. It is a tightwire balance. Love him and let him talk out his feelings. I know I have rambled a little bit here (ok alot) but you are sounding a little lost. Read what the other members have to say ( they are brilliant) and use what will work for your situation. We are all unique. You can do this.

Cheryl

[Skye]

Hey Sharon,

He is very blessed to have you! I feel if I were in your situation, I would honor his wishes whatever they might be. If he wants to fight, be his best warrior. If his wishes are not to fight, as hard as it is, help him on the path he's chosen.

The closest I have been to this situation is with my MIL, she had ovarian cancer, went through 6 months of chemo.

Decided after that, she wanted no more. Docs gave her 6 months, without continued treatments.

We tried to talk her into more treatments, NO was her answer. It was her choice. Hard for us to sit there, hearing her say NO, to my FIL. She had her mind made up. We had to respect that, and we did.

She lived 3 weeks, her passing was peaceful with family beside her, May 31st, '03.

She is deeply missed.

Sharon, my thoughts and prayers are with you, your brother, and your family.

Many Blessings,

~skye~

[kamataca]

Welcome, Sharon!

I think the hardest thing for me in this journey has been learning to sit back and let my mom make her own decisions. She knew she had our support and love, but we had to let her make her own decisions. I had some agonizing weeks over this, and the posts to prove it.

She eventually decided to fight and do chemo--what I was hoping she'd do--after much deliberation. The good news is, it was her choice, and she felt empowered when she made it (rahter than just doing what 'the kids' wanted her to do).

This is a tough road to walk as a caregiver. He is so lucky to have him on his side. Best of luck, and keep us posted.

Kelly

[icbn]

I am scared my brother is giving up despite the positive scan results. Do you push or do you just believe that your loved one knows when enough is enough. I am not ready to give up but i also know that is not my decision.

Just speak your heart for you but do not try to speak for his heart. Listen to him and accept his feelings. Then Let him know yours, you want him to stay around...a whole lot. You don't want to miss him. You love him. You'll fight with him if that's what he chooses.

That's all I know.

Bill

[sharonharr]

Thank you all for your words of support and wisdom, and I agree you do need more info. This has been a challenge for me, my background is nursing, so it is easy to give help but difficult to ask for it. This is truly a great support site, please keep helping!!

Sharon

49 year old brother, non-smoker,

6/05: diagnosed with stage IV cancer with mets to the bone and liver.

began treatment with carbo and taxol

8/05; after 2 tx CT shows response, liver leisons indeterminable

9/6/05: brain MRI shows multiple brain leisons

begin 2 week brain radiation

9/26/05: CT scan, lung mass cleared, bone mets stable

10/01/05: restart carbo/taxol

10/12/05 brain leisons reduced

10/19/05 continue carbo/taxol

11/01/05 decide to give break from chemo, numbness in lower extremities, balance issues, steroids restarted.

11/12/05 pulmonary clot, hospitalized for 3 days, started on coumadin/heparin

11/18/05 continues with increased chest pain, CT scan shows no embolism, pain meds increased. will see md again on 11/21/05

[bunny]

sharon, there are people here with similar treatment experiences to your brother's. it sounds like you know the most important thing, already - that he needs first love and support from you for where he is with his disease, then help with decision making. you're a great sister.

xoxo

amie

[Maryanne]

Hi Sharon,

You are not rambling, you are scared. You are scared you are going to lose him that is understanable. You must abide by his decision whatever he decides to do.

You are doing everything a loving sister can do. You are there for him to give him love and support and you are doing everything right.

I will pray for him to make the right decision that will give him some peace.

We are always here for you, 24/7.

Keep us updated.

I am so sorry for all your family is going through.

Maryanne

[Ann]

Sharon, I am so very sorry that you are faced with this crisis in your life. Here, you will find a lot of information, support and guidance from some of the most wonderful people around. As much as we, the family members, want our loved ones to fight, we have to remember that the way they fight is their decision. Like others have said, I think you should definitely let your brother know that you want him to keep on fighting this disease. You should also listen to what his wishes are and definitely abide by them, should they differ from yours. I know this is sometimes very hard to do. Love and support are often the very most important things that our loved ones can get from us. I'm saying prayers for both you and your brother.