Donna Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 I don't know what to do..I have been crying all day long, every time I think of my brother I want him back, and i cannot believe he is gone for good..I have been crying constantly.I told me sister I would take my own life if i thought I could be with mark..I know that is not logical but it is how I feel. I don't want to talk to any one, or see any one..I want to be left alone..I know my thinking is wrong and I am trying to cope with this loss, but some how it is not happening. I know my brother would be very angry with me right now, and i am trying to get out of this depression..What should I do to make things easier? This time, I am totally lost and afraid to face the next day.. Donna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBeth Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Donna, I'm so sorry for all the pain you are going thru. I try to imagine how much I will some day miss my husband and how I will EVER get thru even one day and I have also had thoughts that I'd rather be with him than to stay behind and miss and mourn him. The things that get me thru and give me hope are my children. My boys will need me...and my sisters...and my brother...and Bill's daughter...and my parents...and my nephews. The list could go on and on. There are many people out there that need you and you know that it would not make Mark happy. Give yourself some time, maybe find someone that you trust and feel comfortable crying with and let them comfort you. You'll be in my prayers. Love, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunny Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 you're in my prayers too, honey. it's so new, of course it's excrutiatingly painful. xoxo bunny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patkid Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Honey, feel the feelings. They are real and justified. Now, know that we care. know that the feelings will ease............not go away, but ease. Abba (God as our Father) has you in his arms. He is cradling you. You may not feel it right away, but trust it and lean your head on him and hear his heartbeat, honest and true, honey, He is there with you and so are we. Let us hold some of the pain. We care and we need you, too. Love Pat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daggiesmom Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Your heart is broken right now. You feel crushed and alone but try and remember that Mark would want you to try and go on. He's backing you up now, just as you backed him up here on earth. You're needed by your family, even though it's very hard somedays to even move. It's good to cry, it releases alot of stress. Don't hold it back. Then after awhile, take a deep breath and try to move on. That's what I do. Hugs to you Donna. ((())) Joanie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Donna.. It hurts. I need to say that there is a whisp of concern for me in your post re: the not wanting to live thing... Do you have an MD you can talk to? You might need a short course of antidepressant or grief work. I would hate to see you become self destructive. I just hate that you are in so much pain. Don't forget to breathe! Breathe deeply and exhale hard and let the pain OUT!!! I mean it. It can get stuck if you're not doing this. Please check in often. You know how much we "get it" and care. Mark had to have been one heck of a man and brother. PM me. I want to hear about him. Cindi o'h Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LynneH Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Donna, I am so sorry that you are going through such horrible pain. Does it help to know that I have felt the EXACT same thoughts that you just expressed? Wanting to be with them, wanting to be left alone, wanting to just curl up and make the world and pain go away.....My soulmate and rock, Jim, has been gone 8+ months now. I will not tell you that I never have these feelings anymore, BUT the good news is that I don't have them as often. AND, if I think about it, I can smile and laugh when I think of something he would say or do. Did Mark have some things he would do or say that would tickle you or make you bellylaugh? Like Cindi, I would like to hear about some of those things. And sometimes I laugh, and then cry! But then I have released the valve and let the flood out so I can breathe for a while before it fills up again. I know we are all different, but please try to picture Mark's smile and laughter and know how happy he would be if he saw you smiling right now..... Please take care of yourself, Lynne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Donna...my heart really goes out to you today. I firsthand know the pain and loss you are feeling. Crying is often a good thing to do. It enables out body to release some of these emotions that we have all bottled up inside. Crying and talking were (and are) some of my best self-help therapies. Grief has so very many stages and cycles and just when we think we've gone through everything possible, another form of grief will hit us. I can remember the exact minute that I realized that I would never again see Dennis in this life. It was December 20, 2002, at about 8:30 in the morning. Dennis had been gone for five days, but for some reason, the thought that I would never see him again hadn't hit me. It was a dark, rainy day and all I could think about was suicide. I knew there was no way I could make it without him. I called my Hospice counselor to ask for help to just get through that day. She talked to me and made some suggestions about things that might help. One that really helped was writing letters to Dennis and keeping them in a journal. I did this every day. I told him about everything that went on in my life. It made me feel as if he was still there to share the little things with me. I still write in that journal when I have something important to tell him. On some days, I just pull the journals out and read them, This helps me to see how far I've come since the day I began writing. Donna, just remember that this is truly a ONE DAY AT A TIME journey. Still, I have days that really kick me down. Then, there are others when the pain seems so long ago. Talk about your brother a lot with a friend. As long as you think of him, he is still alive in your heart. I'll be saying lots of prayers for you. You can get through this! You have so much support here on this board. Please use us to help you!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted November 29, 2005 Author Share Posted November 29, 2005 We don't ofen think that others share the same pain and feeling of loss that we do..You guys have made me feel a whole lot better today, Thanks so much..It helps to hear how others deal with grief, it puts another light on what I can do to help myself..I don't want Mark's death to make me feel like a zombie, but that is physically how i am feeling..I can't sleep, eat, function.I am trying not to give in to these feelings. I know it will get easier as time goes on, but it is like a new world without my brother by my side..I will get through this, as long as I have great friends like all of you.. Many blessings and hugs to my dear friends here.. Donna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 When I lost my hubby, I journaled. I wrote some pretty crazy letters to God, my hubby, etc. The ink is running all over from my tears. It helps. So does counseling, believe it or not. Choose 1 day this week where you will focus on confronting this grief by writing or counseling or whatever. Just 1 day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Donna, I know only too well what your going through. (((DONNA))) The truth is, your at the very beginning of your grief, and it will some days be more overwhelming then others. Some days you'll cry and feel like your totally out of control, and maybe you are, but it's all part of the process my friend. It's painful and we hurt like NO OTHER HURT WE HAVE EVER FELT IN OUR LIFE!! Talk it out just like your doing here. Baby steps my dear. It's going to do what it's going to do and your just going through all the normal griving emotions. I would suggest a counselor as well, but I don't know if now is the right time. It's to soon to try and put all this into some kind of order, and all that your feeling and going through is very very normal. It HURTS and HOW I KNOW THAT FEELING! I have lost my dad, my mom, my sister and my precious son and many many many dear and wonerful friends. I now your pain. (((((DONNA)))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 (((Donna))), Please remember that we are here and you are not alone. You are with friends that care and understand. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better , but don't forget to reach out when you need to talk or need a hug. We care.. Love, Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 run, don't walk, to your family doctor and get some anti-depressant meds and a recommendation to a good clinical psychologist. I did about six years ago when I had the same feelings after several miscarriages and years of failed infertility treatment. I still take the meds - preventative - and I still see my shrink, the frequency of which depends on what is going on with my life. with my husband newly dead and my mom dying and my four year old crying for her daddy, it's back to weekly. it's the best thing I ever did for myself and quite possibly saved my life, if not saved it, made it considerably better. Please do this, Donna, because I really think it would help. God Bless, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted November 29, 2005 Share Posted November 29, 2005 Me too, Karen. I didn't think it was helping at the time. After my visits, I would think that didn't help, I still feel like crawling in a ball and dying..but then as things she said stuck in my mind, it helped, over time. Depending upon your style, there are grief counselors, like ministers or clinical psychologists who can prescribe meds. I just asked for 1 day...here's a hug for you in the meantime!XOXOXOXOXOXOXO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joseppie Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Donna, I know exactly how you are feeling! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyCW Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Donna, I'm sorry that we have something in common -- the loss of our wonderful brothers. I'm not on the boards very often now, so I don't "know" you, but I wanted to let you know there's another sister out here (several of us, in fact) who care about you. I agree that counseling would be a good thing. (Think about it -- How could it hurt?) And yes, you might need some medication to get you through the next few weeks, at least. Been there, done that, and still going for counseling to work through the grief, anger, constant sadness, and more. I'm glad you're here and can get support from people who understand, and I hope you'll seek some "in-person" support, too. I wish I could say it all gets better soon, but honestly I think we just learn coping strategies, and in time hopefully the good memories outweigh the bad. It sounds like your brother Mark, like my brother David, was a person people loved very much and learned a lot from and will never forget. I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I hope you will get some professional help, because I think at times like this, we really need it. It's just too much to handle without all the help we can get. Hugs to you, BeckyCW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Treebywater Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 ((((Donna)))) I hurt with you and for you. Sometimes it all just feels like too much, doesn't it? Grief is just so hard. So much harder than anyone ever makes it sound. I wish it was more socially acceptable to talk about it in our society so when we have to go through it (as we all do) we might have an idea of what to expect. Anyway. Thinking of you... love, Val Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted December 1, 2005 Author Share Posted December 1, 2005 Another day, more crying..I want to call him so much..This is not real!! When will this pain feel better..I never felt pain so bad in my heart..I feel like I will never be the same again..I love him so much, and miss him every minute of every day..He was my best friend!! I wish God would have taken me not him..He means so much to so many people..This life is so unfair..It is 3 weeks ago today, and the pain gets worse with every minute..I wish there was a way to hug him, and talk to him again..I apologize for making all of you upset..I keep praying for strength, but I get weaker.. So sorry... Donna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kasey Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Oh (((Donna))), Trust that there WILL be better days....not great perhaps....but better. Warm and tender hugs to you dear, Kasey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamasbabygirl Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Don't apologize Donna, your life has been changed forever. Coping strategy #1-get in your car, just you, and scream as loud as you can, as long as you can. Any others? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindi o'h Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Go ahead and cry. Don't wipe the tears unless they run past the bottom of your nose. Inbetween the bottom of your nose and your the angle of your chin is the area to wipe tears. Nothing above that. Snot.... now, that's a whole 'nother story. You have to make up your own rules on that one, but, I like to get that running a bit too before it comes off. Gotta cry.. it lets out the pain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollyanne Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Donna - It WILL get better. When my best friend (like a sister to me) was killed, I remember driving from the funeral and thinking "what are all these people doing just going out about their business? don't they know I just lost my best friend? that two small children just lost their mother?" It is so unfair. Why? That was two years ago, and a day doesn't go by that I don't think of something that I want to tell her --she used to tease me about getting so old (come on 35 at the time wasn't that old) and not being married or having children. Well, I got married right after her death and in about a week I am having a baby --- I want her to share every detail with me, and to be honest I think she is sharing them with me. I ask God to reveal her to me every once in a while..and He does. I know the pain is unbearable, but you will find strength to go on and you will find enjoyment in things again. Crying, screaming and staying busy all help somewhat -- get a sleeping pill if nights seem too bleak, find a grief counselor or group, try a church --- your brother FOUGHT this cancer and now you have to fight the grief. I have stayed away from this part of the board as I don't want to think about losing my mom...yet I am glad I read your post -- I will include you in my prayers tonight and tomorrow and the next day and the next day. You will find and experience happiness again; it may come in small doses at first, but YOU WILL. Given what you have said about your brother...he will want that for you. May God Bless you, Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Hi Donna, I lost my Brother too 1 1/2 yrs ago. It was devastating to say the least. I had 5 Brothers until he passed and he was the first of a family of 8 kids to go and was only 46. I was like a suragate Mother, Sister and best friend to him. He was my Brother and best friend. I had to go on anti deppresents and actually had to go on it right after he was dx and it helped me cope so much. I advise you to see you're DR and do the same. After his death my depression deepened and I lost myself and my family lost me in addition to losing him. Everyone was so worried. I sometimes asked myself "why are you trying to kill yourself?" as I stopped taking care of myself and just could not find my way back. TIME was the only thing that has brought me back to where I am today. The antideppresents helped but TIME was the key. I miss him terribly still but am able to be a part of my family again and I am able to talk about him and about how I am doing without crying. I smile, I laugh and I live. That is what he would have wanted for me! I have been changed through this process and I cant say it is for the better but it is a part of life. We start dying the day we are born. It is a normal cycle and no one knows when that will be, why or how it will happen. I have accepted the fact that he is gone but I sure know where you are at and I know the question I always asked my husband that had to stand by me and watch me cry for a year straight "What do I do with the sadness?" there were no answers that could take that away. You are going through a terrible grieving period just as I did. This board helped me so much and I thank you all for that. I wish I could help by taking some of your pain away but it is a process that you have to go through to find the other side. Mark loved you and still does just as you do him, just as my Brother and I did each other. He will always love you and there will come a day that it will be you're turn to meet you're maker and you're Brother will be there to greet you . Until then you are amoung the living and need to find ways to find you're life again. Please, Please get some help! I knew what I was going through wasent something I could handle myself and went to the DR as soon as I saw that I could not control my emotions. I am praying for you Donna and we are all here for you. God Bless you, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauriannessister Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Donna, I am so sorry for your loss. You lost your brother just a few weeks after I lost my sister. My cousin told me that when a disease like this takes someone we love, God keeps them in a special place so they have a chance to heal. I would recommend that you see your doctor as well. I am on Lexapro for depression, and when my sister died, I asked my doctor for something stronger. He gave me medication to help with my anxiety. It really helped me out a lot. I was able to stay calmer and focus on not having my sister in my life anymore. It might also help you to talk more frequently with your parents, and if he was married, his wife. Share the fond memories with each other. Share in sadness with each other. The important thing to remember is that you are not alone. Others are missing your brotehr too. And your brother is still with you in spirit, looking out for you. I know that I talk out loud to my sister. People might think I am crazy, but I see little signs that make me feel she is still looking out for me. Recently, it was even the song that she was teasing me about last Thanksgiving, Tim McGraw's Live Like you Were Dying. I was walking to my car after work, thinking about last year and how she told my mom I was listening to songs about dying (my argument was that the song is about living) and when I got into my car, that song was on the radio. I don't listen to a country station, so what are the chances? Good luck to you, Donna, and please do not let your grief consume you. I know how hard it is to not have a sibling here physically anymore, but I truely believe my sister would not want me to stop living. I think your brother would not want you to stop living as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Donna, I lost my brother in 1945 during the war, and I'm still missing him, I miss all those times he could have teach me about life as he was older than me, I miss all those answers to the questions you can ask a brother only. Dona, I asked the questions he never could answered and I got some answers they had to do and now I see that the answers were there all the time, just the questions were missing. I feel you pain and the pain of those that lost their brothers to this sickness and are still near the time of their loss, mine was sixty years ago and it still hurt. But life kept going and I was alive and I still could ask in my own way, what I wanted to know, now he is an old friend that I go to advice when the going gets rough. His birthday will be soon, his eighty four brithday. and like each year I will celebrate it with him. Donna, life leaves may scars, they heal on the surface but we know they are there as souvenir of what could have been. We were lucky to have them for the time we had, as we also could never had them. Let the tears clean you, not drown you. Hope for better days for you. Hugs J.C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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