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I have something to say. I hope that I can find the right words to explain and do it without writing a book!

Most of you who have been here a long time know that when I first came here I was very angry. At times I still feel the anger.

After Johnny died I spent a year trying to get my footing. Trying to make sense of what had happened and what to do with my life. It was not an easy time. I felt like to have suffered so much loss and heartbreak that there had to be a reason. I thought that there was something major that God wanted me to do and I had to go through what I had to get there.

During that first year I found this board. Then not long after God brought me to this beautiful place that I now call home. The people here not only accepted me as part of the community but they accepted me as part of the community family. Those two things were very special gifts. I was to learn that there was much more.

Sense Johnny's death I have more friends than I ever have in my life. Friends that I met through him or because of him. I also learned things that I could not have learned had I not gone through the time of caring for him and the heartache of his death. Those things help me do my job. A job that I feel very blessed with. I work with some very special people. People who need someone to care and understand, to talk to them instead of at them. I am able to do that because of what I learned and the heartache that makes me want so desperately to do it.

I don't know why God has chosen me to do what I do. I don't know why it had to come about the way that it did. I just know that for some reason He wants me here right now doing what I do. He gave me what I would need to do it. I will never make a major difference in the world but maybe I can make a small difference in the lives of a few very dear people. Maybe that is what it is all about. Would I trade it all to have Johnny back? Without question but that is not an option. So I look at all of you and the work I do and all of my other friends both near and long distance as special gifts from both my Johnny and God. I truly am blessed.

For all of those who have offered me encouragement I send my heartfelt thanks. For those who have sent me PMs of encouragement I have not forgotten you. I will answer soon but right now my time is very limited. I will be leaving again at 7am in the morning and won't be home again until next Saturday. It will be a long week and I will miss all of you but I want you to know that you will all be in my thoughts and prayers. Best of love and hope to all of you. Lillian

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My family believes my brother Ron, was sent to us as an angel on earth. He was the most caring, giving, non-judgmental person I have ever met.We were devastated when we lost him. Lil, you are an angel. All you have been through, and you always look for the best in people and are willing to be there to help if you can. Thank God for people like you. God bless you, Nancy C

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Lil, I am so glad that you're a part of my life. You have taught me so very much about being strong and exhibiting courage. You have seen so many hard times in your life and have endured things that many of us could not endure. Your passion for life and your determination to follow your heart was able to lead you back to Johnny after so very many hears of being unhappy. Although the time you spent with Johnny was brief, I am sure that your time together was a part of God's plan. Not only do you often help many of us but your day-to-day work of helping others is something that is to be praised. As I have often told you, I am so proud of all the progress you have made since I first met you. Thanks for being you! We all have to help each other along this journey of life. Some of us walk very different paths but still we need each other for support!

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Hi Lillian,

You are an angel here on earth. Thank you for being so supportive of us and how you have enlightened us with all your posts.

Your Johnny is so proud of you. He knows what you are doing is so special and one day when you and Jonny are reunited it will be a blessed moment.

Take care and have a wonderful holiday.


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I was so tired on my way home this morning and because of a sleepless night I had a terrible headache. All I wanted was to get home. The weather looked so threatening that I prayed to get home with no problems. Then I got to the top of the grade that looks down on Whiskeytown Lake. Like always it took my breath away. I felt such peace and calm. This is my home and as hard as it is to live here and work in town I wouldn't have it any other way.

Then while my hands were warming up(there was no heat in here for a week and it was freezing) I came here to check my email and saw the responses from all of you. My eyes filled with tears. You have no idea how much your words mean to me.

Sometimes I am so sure that most of the people in this world are lost causes. There is just so much bad we see everyday but this past week I have met so many kind people. I know that there is more good than bad it just takes something to bring in out in most people.

I left here Monday morning at 7am. During the day I worked my other clients then at night went back to the home of one of my ladies who just got out of the hospital. She has really declined and needs to be watched very closely. Most of the night she sleeps but often stays up late and gets up early. Before she would sleep until ten every morning but not any more. So my sleep was never as sound as it would have been were I at home.

I logged 104 hours this past week but most of it was overnight. I did get to sleep but as I said not always restfull. Last night I didn't sleep at all. I went to bed at nine thirty and the last time I looked at the clock it was one am. Then I started to doze and had a split second dream in withch I saw this lady take a bad fall. After that I couldn't do more than doze and I was awake by 4:35.

On Tuesday I had a few hours in the morning so I went to the social security office and filed for my social security. I will get my first check in April and will have to slow down because if I don't I will have to pay back one dollar for every two that I make over the allowed amount. There is no way I am going to do that!

After leaving social security I went to Wall Mart and got some gift cards to send to my children and grandchildren. Then I went to a mailing place(not the post office)and mailed the cards to my kids and and my Christmas cards. I took a while for a good lunch and then went to my next job.

The rest of the week my schedule was full all day until Friday. On that day I had 4 hours so I did some grocery shopping and then went for a Christmas tree. I was looking but saw none that I could afford. Then the man asked what I was looking for. I told him that I wanted something for around $25. I told him that I would not be home much but I wanted a tree. He asked what I do and I told him. He told me to go with him and we would find me a tree. I thought he would take me to the cheapest ones but instead he asked me if I wanted to look at the silver tips. Those are the most expensive and I've always wanted one but knew that I couldn't afford one. He said well lets see.

He showed me a beautiful tree but it was marked $39 then he said he would give it to me for $30 no tax. I agreed and he put it in my trunk. Then he told me to go inside and give the girl $25 and told me to have a nice Christmas. I was so touched by his kindness.

One day during the week I went to one of my other ladies and I was so tired. She told me to set for awhile. She is very high maintanance and the one I always worry about so much.Then she told me that she doesn't want me to get sick because she loves me so much. How could I ever look at these people as just a job? They give so much to me. My other lady told me that any time I have to stay in town I have a home with her. I didn't even try to explain that it isn't allowed. I just thanked her.

Then one of my ladies who hired us was very upset because she got a letter saying that we could not accept gifts for Christmas. She said that she understood why they would say that but she had hired us and she had all of her senses. When I left she handed me back a bag that I had taken her some pralines in. Later when I looked inside I found a card with $20 inside!

Then there are my neighbors who look after me and my home when I am gone. Everyone is just so good to me. I truly am blessed with all of you.

Oh I almost forgot. On Thursday I was kind of down thinking about Ann and her aniversary and wondering what will happen to these ladies I care for. Then I looked out Claire's window and there he was! The robin I had seen last week was there. Then when I went to ge my dog at my nieces I passed a field and there was a donkey. Two of my signs from Johnny :!:

Well it has been a very long day and I need to get off of here soon and try to get some sleep. I didn't get home until ten this morning and sense then I washed 3 loads of clothes and put them away, made a cake for our pot luck we had here today. Changed the sheets on my bed and vacumed my house. I also made two batches of pralines, went to the pot luch and decorated my tree. Then I got bags of candy ready to take to church tomorrow.

Next week will be another long one. I'm not sure that I will have much time to come here. Monday I have my all day and all night job then work all day eveyday and do another overnight on Thursday. Friday night I will have to make my cake and pie to take to my sister in law's for Christmas dinner, do my laundry and pack my bags again. I will leave early Christmas eve to go spend Christmas with my sister in law and leave from her house on Monday morning to go to my all day and night job again.

So you see I do keep busy. Thank God all I have to do tomorrow is call my kids, go to church and make cookies. Hopefully I will get that done earlier.

Well there I went writing a book again and I was just coming here to say thank you all for being so kind. I hope that this week will be a good one for all of you and that you meet at least one person as nice as some of the people that I have met lately. God Bless you all and good night. Lillian

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What a blessing you are for all of us. I'm so glad that your eyes are open to the beauty and love that surrounds our everyday life. I have also found my calling and as you know it's such a feeling of relief. You become very passionate and relentless about achieving your goals. I feel God has a special job for everyone. Whether it is witnessing, preaching, helping others, healing or something else. I found this poem and instantly thought of you.


Remember when discouraged,

And your cares are many,

That if you love somebody,

Your life counts for plenty.

And is someone loves you,

And you one life can touch

With words or deeds of love,

Then your life counts for much.

If somebody loves you

And if you dare invest

Your love on just one life,

Then you're a grand success.

To love and to be loved

By one friend or small child,

And to know God loves you

Makes your life worthwhile.

Peter Tanksley



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