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Demise of the Office Christmas Party


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December 1 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 1

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

December 2 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2

RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

Happy now?

December 3 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a nondrinking table .. you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

December 7 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for takehome in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters

Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and

pregnant women will get the table closest to the

restrooms. Did I miss anything?

December 8 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tapdance on your heads? Fire

regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earthbased Goddessworshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

December 9 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 9

RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

December 10 Memo

FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10

RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic omatoes. But you know, they have feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

December 14 Memo

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a

speedy recovery from her stress related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our

Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd

off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

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