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My emotional day yesterday...still cant shake it


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Its been awhile since I have updated everyone on my father so here is a brief one.

He has now completed 4 weeks of radiation and 2 rounds of chemo. This last week was the week of having both treatments so it is really taking its toll. He feels like his skin is burning from underneath ( is this normal from radiation?) and he is really antsy. This week the hair loss started and by saturday night mom and dad decided to shave it all off! My daddy is so handsome.... even bald! Unfortunately he cant sleep and has been really really really sick.

The above breaks my heart, but I try and look at it like him being sick is just a way of ridding the body of the bad cancer cells.

Now here comes the emotional part....

My sister, nephew, and I went over for dinner yesterday. Dad was lying down and after about an hour of being there my mom went to the bedroom to get him to come out and visit. Well next thing you know my mom comes out of the bedroom bawling her eyes out. Apparently as she was leaving Dad reached over and grabbed her arm. He told her that he is "going" and that he loves her very much. He said he prays every night that she will be ok once he is gone. He told her that he is very scared and while saying all this he was crying.This was very hard to hear and right now its very hard to type it out...my eyes are all tearing up as I write this.

He finally came out ( after he dried his eyes so that my sister and I wouldnt see it...damned stubborn man, its ok to cry!) and joked about how he was sorry he didnt take the time to comb his hair. Everything seemed to be better, but once my sister and mom left the room to check on dinner he turned to me and made me promise to move in with my mom and take care of her. I told him he was talking nonsense but now I wish I didnt because if he is "going" then I want him to know everything is in order. I think I will sit down with him this week and listen to everything he wants to talk about that no one wants to hear.

Poor guy is shaking from being so weak. He cant keep anything down so he doesnt even try to eat now. Last round he was like this for two weeks and then got better the week before chemo. It sucks so much to see him like this...but its temporary right? God I hope so. I keep thinking about how this is exactly what my cousins went through...my auntie did radiation and chemo and we still lost her within a year. I know people are different, different cancers and different treatments but I am just so scared to lose my daddy.

I want to wake up from this nightmare.

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Yor Dad is going through something very normal....and that is the uncertainty of this disease. As long as his heart beats and he is breathing there is hope! There are survivors at every stage and you have come to a place where they exist! Connie B. was one of the first people that contacted me. She is an 8 year survivor of late stage cancer!( See her story in Inspiration Section!) I so needed to know someone had survived this dreaded disease when I met her!!!! There are also many many more survivors. Get your Dad to view the board or print off stories for him. He needs hope from you more than anything now.... And you know what? Even if you thinks this is really bad, adopt an attitude of a child right now. Children don't fear all of this stuff because of their innocence and naivety. Denial can be a "good thing". I read a great story once about a woman in who simply "forgot to die" because she was "too busy living!" (Chicken Soup for the Cancer Survivor's Soul)

The symptoms will get better. I just finished my last chemo and radation, and not without all your Dad's symptoms too including the tears. There are also steriods in the chemo your Dad is on, which causes hyperness, tiredness, and emotional rollacoaster...ness! Ha!

Best of luck and parayers be with you.


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I am sorry for the pain that you are feeling. Its not time to mourn the loss of your dad. Its time to spent every possible minute with him and give him support(I know you are). Save the mourning process for 10 or 20 years from now.... Always think positive..


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Having recently finished 6 weeks of radiation/chemo combo myself, I can honestly say that it really sucked! It started off ok, but by the 3rd/4th week, I too felt like I was burning on the inside. (A few times I saw proof of that when I vomited and blood from my charred esophogus came up too). I also felt like I smelled burnt -- it was nauseating and an absolutely horrible feeling. HOWEVER-- Something my doctor said stayed with me and I hope it helps your father. Your dad is feeling awful right now from the TREATMENT....not from the cancer. My doc also said that some people feel that the treatment is worse than the disease. (Some days I tended to agree with him as I was dragging myself out of bed to go vomit in the bathroom). Good news is that within a month of ending treatment, I returned to the land of the living, able to eat again like a normal person, return to work and almost feel NORMAL!!! PLEASE tell your father to hang in there, he's more than half way through -- HE CAN DO IT!!!


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